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“I try not to look back.” Alaska felt like she needed to be honest.
“And I think that’s generally a good idea. We can’t go back, so what’s the point in looking back and wishing we were back there. But God commanded the Israelites to keep feast days so that they would remember His goodness, and His mercy, and the way He brought them out of Egypt. So, I definitely think looking back, and celebrating your victories, is something that God wants us to do. Especially when we’re looking at what God has done. Which, as impossible as everything looks sometimes, you know you can’t do it without Him.”
Alaska hadn’t considered that. God would help her. He could make the impossible possible. And that was why she didn’t have to worry about whether or not she’d ever learn everything. She didn’t have to worry about it. God would make sure it happened. Although, she assumed that God expected her to work as hard as she could. It wasn’t like He was just going to drop victories in her lap without her having to fight for them.
“Knock, knock!”
Alaska turned with surprise as Nelda walked into the kitchen.
“Good morning!” she said, her cheeks red, her eyes shining. She wore bright white sneakers with black leggings and a form-fitting T-shirt. She looked athletic and fit and like she had far more energy than Alaska could even dream of having.
Chapter 11
“Good morning,” Alaska and Bernadine both said.
“How’s the new bride on her wedding day?” Nelda asked, going over to the high chair and dropping a kiss on the top of Eugene’s head. Eugene tried to reach for her with his hands as cracker crumbs fell to the floor.
Alaska had not forgotten it was her wedding day, but she hadn’t really been dwelling on it either. Ezra had said that he wanted to go after the noon meal because he wanted to get some work done first. Since he wasn’t even taking a full day off work, she figured that she ought not to make such a big deal about it, even though part of her wanted to. It wasn’t every day that a person got married. Of course, she had some major regrets about the way she treated someone’s marriage, and...she wasn’t sure what to do about it.
“I guess I’m fine.”
“You guess?” Nelda asked, straightening up and running one finger down Eugene’s pudgy cheek.
“Sure. I mean, Ezra isn’t really making a big deal about it, so I haven’t been thinking about it too much either.”
“Well, you should probably make sure that it’s what you want to do. This is something that should be irreversible.”
“Right.” Divorce came all too easily for some people, but she didn’t want that to be something that she did. Of course, her track record wasn’t exactly great. And she couldn’t fix it, but she could... She had to talk to Ezra when he got in. There was something she definitely needed to do before they got married.
She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about it before this.
“We were hoping that it would be okay with you if Nelda took the children so that you and I could go and see Agathe together, without them.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” She turned to Nelda, surprised. She wasn’t used to not doing things with her children. That was part of the reason she’d given them to other people. Because having them with her made everything she did so much harder. And of course, trying to have a job and pay someone to watch her kids typically didn’t leave much money left over at all. It was almost impossible to get ahead while paying for child care.
“I don’t mind at all. I got up this morning with eager anticipation, because I thought I was going to get to spend the day with two cuties,” Nelda said, coming over and taking Alice into her arms. Alice was done with the bottle, and Nelda grabbed a tea towel, throwing it over her shoulder and putting the baby up, patting her back to burp her like an expert. If she had helped to raise twelve children, she would definitely be considered an expert in Alaska’s view.
“Well then, it’s okay with me. Thank you.” She couldn’t help but be surprised. She wasn’t used to people just coming in and volunteering to help her. The first that she had any idea that people could be so kind was with Travis and Ellen. They had accepted Alice and taken as good care of her as though she were their own child. Unlike Lucy, whom she’d given Eugene to and who had dropped him off with her dad and skipped town. And Lucy had been someone she had considered a friend.
“What’s the matter?” Bernadine said, bending over and trying to look in her eyes.
“I guess I’m just not used to people being nice to me,” she said, being as honest as she could.
“Oh, honey.” Bernadine took two steps and wrapped her arms around her. The feeling made Alaska want to cry. She wasn’t used to someone caring about her, wondering what was wrong, or wantingto hug her. She couldn’t remember any feeling of safety and warmth in her mother’s arms, and this felt even better.
She wrapped her arms around Bernadine and hugged her back, blinking back the tears that wanted to fall. She couldn’t help the past, but she could try to make something better of the future. Not just for herself, but for her children too.
“That’s what we’re here for. All of us, to support other people. I think we get really confused and think we’re just here for ourselves. We start to live for ourselves, care only about ourselves, and forget that’s not what the purpose of life is.”
“I’ve often wondered what the purpose of life was.” Alaska’s words were soft. She laid awake at night often, wondering what in the world she was living for. Sometimes things just felt so hopeless. And it didn’t seem like it was worth it to get up in the morning and keep striving, for what?
Then, after she turned her life over to Christ, she understood that she was supposed to be living for Jesus, but she still didn’t really understand what that meant.
“The Bible says that we’re here to glorify God and live to serve Him. If you look at Jesus’s life on earth, most of his life was about others and living for them. I think sometimes we get our focus on others rather than ourselves, and then we have an idea about life and its purpose. Because when we work to help others, then we have a reason for living.”
“Children give us a purpose. And that’s living for others. They demand so much of us, it’s almost impossible to live for yourself when you have babies around.” Bernadine went back to the stove and took the orzo bake out. It smelled so good. “I think we ought to try to take this while it’s hot. Are you ready to go?”
Alaska said, “Sure.”
