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“So, I don’t really like hearing about Sondra. You were engaged for goodness sake. And you’re supposed to marry me. And you didn’t break up with her until yesterday. It kind of makes me feel like you want to hang on, and when you bring her up, it makes me feel like you're thinking about her. If you’re talking about her, and holding onto her, then I think that maybe you and I shouldn’t get married because you still have a thing for Sondra.”
“Trust me. I do not have a thing for Sondra. I never really did. I just...” He paused. He wanted to say that he just didn’t really care who he married. He wanted to get married. He wanted to start a family. He wanted to be like his parents, but pretty much any woman would do, except he could never really be happy spending time with Sondra.
Something told him that wouldn’t sound good to Alaska, and he was finding that it wasn’t completely true anymore. He wanted to spend time with Alaska, wanted to be around her. Wanted to talk to her. And that was a first.
“I know this is crazy, because we don’t know each other very well, but until I met you, I didn’t really care which woman I waswith. They all seemed pretty much the same.” There. Maybe he shouldn't have said that, but maybe it would help too. Because, there was a difference with her.
“Until me? Are you just saying that?”
“I think if there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I don’t just say things. I try really hard to mean what I say, and maybe that’s part of the reason why talking about relationships is so hard for me. I can’t just spout off pretty words that don’t mean anything. If there’s no meaning behind them, if I don’t mean it, then it’s hard for me to say.” He realized his hand was still on her arm, and he wanted to move it up and down, lightly touching her skin, maybe a little soothing, but he made himself be still.
“I always think of my brother, Caleb, as being charming. But I know that sometimes he says things that he doesn’t really mean just to make someone else feel good. To me that’s charming, but it’s not really right. Part of me rebels at the idea that you say things to someone just to make them smile. Not because you mean it. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah. I suppose it does. I guess I’ve been around people most of my life who say a lot of things that they don’t mean. Will say anything to get what they want, whether it’s true or not.”
“That’s definitely not me.”
“I appreciate that,” she said, lifting her brows and looking at him with sincerity in her gaze. “But I’m not used to it.”
“So maybe you’re not going to hear words that you expect to hear?”
“Yeah. Maybe I just need to get used to the fact that you’re not always going to say what I think you should be saying. And that’s a good thing.”
“That sounds like a deal to me. Maybe you can... Let me know if there’s something that I should be saying that I’m not?”
“That’s a little awkward. And mostly because if someone doesn’t say something, you don’t want to have to tell them to. For example, I feel like you should care about me, and ask me how I am, withoutme having to tell you that you’re supposed to ask me how I am. Otherwise, if I have to prompt you, it makes it seem like you’re doing it because you have to, rather than because you want to. Which still means that you don’t care, even though you asked. Does that make sense?”
“Or maybe you’re just reminding me, because as you said that, it made me realize that I didn’t really ask you how you were. And I do care. I want to know. How are you?”
She smiled, and he hadn’t really meant for it to be funny. It was true. He hadn’t really thought about how she was. Other than making sure that she was safe. But, for some reason, he wanted to know everything about her. The more time he spent with her, the more interesting she seemed to him.
“I’m fine.”
“I have enough sisters to know that fine means the opposite in that context.”
She laughed, as he had intended. It was just coincidence that not very long ago that his sisters were having a discussion about how people said they were fine when they really weren’t, and it was usually women.
“I can’t argue with that. That’s true. I’m fine is the standard answer, and if that’s all a person can think of to say, then they’re probably not fine.”
“Women. I think men probably are fine.”
She huffed out another laugh, and he moved his hand, running it up her arm to her shoulder, and then saying, “Is it okay touching you? I... I just want to.”
Chapter 15
“That’s... Weird. But nice.”
“Weird?” Ezra asked. “I don’t think that’s a good thing?”
“Yeah. I think that’s a good thing. I... Because it’s not the kind of thing a man usually talks to me about. Usually he just touches me, and I don’t really get any say in it.” Alaska shivered.
“You should. You should have all the say.”
“All of it?” Her brows furrowed. “Shouldn’t it be the two of us deciding together?”
“If that’s your way of asking me if I want you to touch me, the answer is yes.”
She laughed. “That wasn’t exactly what I was asking, but...that’s good to know.”
