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“Can we stop somewhere?” she blurted out, before she lost her nerve. Not only did she have to have the nerve to go do what she needed to do, but she had to ask Ezra, and remind him of how terrible her past was. It could be the thing that made him decide that he didn’t want to be married to her after all.
“Uh, sure. Before or after we get married?” he asked, casually, and she didn’t feel pressure, even though she knew that they were never going to make the appointment that they’d made.
“Before.”
“All right. You sound like it’s pretty important to you.”
“It’s necessary, I think. For me, but for you too. And...someone else.”
“All right. I’m curious. Where do you want to go?”
“Sweet Water.” She gave him the address. It wasn’t a familiar one to her, although she knew it. But, it was where she needed to go today.
“I can get us to the street, then you just make sure I get to the right house.”
“All right.” She had driven by the house multiple times. Back when she was obsessed. To her shame.
Ezra didn’t say anything more, and maybe she fell in love with him just a little bit right then, when he didn’t press her, didn’t demand that she explain what she wanted, but simply did what she asked, even though she hadn’t told him why. For herself, she might not have been able to do what someone asked, without an explanation.
Spring in North Dakota was beautiful, with several different varieties of wild flowers blooming along the road, as they drove along, contrasting in such a pretty way with the green grass, and the bluesky, and the white puffy clouds that floated in lazy randomness. Every once in a while they passed a field where cattle grazed, and that completed the picture of the ideal country life. It was hard to believe that land had been brutally beaten by cold and snow and ice and wind all winter long. For six months at least. Now, it had emerged, breathtaking in its beauty, and seemingly carefree.
Maybe there were lessons there for her. Maybe everyone had seasons of going through trials and hardships, maybe those trials were necessary for a person to emerge, blooming more brightly than ever before.
She figured that was probably the case, and maybe this would be one of those things. This hard thing that she knew she had to do, maybe she would be better for it.
Ezra pulled down the road, she directed him to the house, an unassuming white ranch with brown shutters. There were no flowers in the yard, but there were several toys lying around, like the kids had been playing, and they’d gone straight in without putting their things away.
The way Alaska’s yard often looked.
“Do you need me to come in with you?” Ezra asked as he pulled to a stop in front of the closed garage door.
“No.” She drew the word out little as she thought about it. “I’d really love to have you beside me, but I do believe this is something I need to do on my own.”
She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to do it at all, and she wanted to cling to Ezra, but, while she did believe that a spouse was someone that God gave a person so they didn’t have to face life alone, so they had a companion through the hard times, she knew that having Ezra beside her would be intimidating to the person she needed to talk to.
She didn’t want it to look like she was ganging up on them, and she certainly didn’t want to look like she was lording it over them, or rubbing it in.
And she had to admit, part of it was she didn’t want Ezra to hear what she had to say. Except, she almost asked him if he’d come. After all, maybe heneededto hear.
“Actually,” she turned her head to look at him across the seat. “Would you mind coming, but not standing too close? I don’t want to intimidate her.”
He stared at her for a moment, as though rolling over in his mind what in the world she’d be talking about, but then he nodded. “If that’s what you want, that’s what I’ll do.”
She could hardly believe how easy it was. Shouldn’t he argue with her? Shouldn’t he give her a hard time? He definitely shouldn’t just go along. She’d never been with anyone who didn’t give her a hard time about pretty much everything she did. Who was willing to do things they didn’t want to do without arguing or fighting. It was a good example for her, because she wondered if she was that kind of person. The kind of person who was willing to do things she didn’t want to do without fussing about them.
She had to admit, she was a fusser.
It wasn’t a pretty admission.
But it wasn’t something she could think about right now. She jerked the handle of her door, and opened it, jumping out, closing it behind her.
Ezra met her at the front of the pickup.
“It’s up to you, but if we stay here for more than an hour or two, we’re not going to be able to get married today. The courthouse closes at five, and they won’t marry us after four.”
“I don’t think this will take long at all,” she said. Definitely not an hour. And for sure not two. She would be lucky if she didn’t get kicked out on her ear, but she didn’t say that to Ezra. Instead, she took a deep breath, and said a small prayer.
Lord, give me courage.
