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She stepped closer, and ran her fingers lightly up his back over his T-shirt. “I guess you’ll just have to trust me on this. But I can tell you, it doesn’t matter what you do, or what you don’t do, or anything in between. Maybe it’s what you were saying. About having a connection outside of the physical. I already feel like...maybe we don’t know each other as well as we could, but that I can trust you. I think that’s probably the key. I feel like whatever happens, you’re going to put me ahead of yourself. It’s just the way you are. And... I think that’s what makes for good intimacy. When you have trust, and you know that the other person is not out to be selfish and greedy, but is about you. You’re more concerned about me. That... Already makes me feel cherished.”
His eyes narrowed a little, as though he were thinking about what she was saying. Maybe he’d never heard it put that way, or maybe he’d never really thought about it.
“I thought that’s what this was. I mean, I assumed it was supposed to be good for both of us, but I thought the point was the other person.”
“I’ve heard a lot of teaching, especially with women, that it has to be about you. That you have to make sure that it’s good for yourself, and I found that’s probably true when you’re with someone who doesn’t care about you. But, when you’re with the right person,” she smiled a little. “And I know I’m with the right person. Then that doesn’t matter. Because the point is not to make yourself feel good. The point is to share something with someone else, and make it beautiful together.”
He nodded, swallowing hard again. “I would agree with that.”
“And, it’s tempting for me to say that all men are the same, but I don’t think that’s true. Husbands are different than other men.” She bit her lip. She didn’t want to remind him of all the things that she’d done, but maybe because of those things, she knew that there was a difference now.
“You’ve never been married before.”
She shook her head.
“Then this is your first time with your husband.”
“Yeah. And it’s already been different.” Typically she didn’t have anyone who wanted to stand around and talk about things. They all wanted to get to the “good stuff.” But Ezra had been willing to talk about everything. Anything. All day long, even though he wasn’t good at it, he seemed to know it was something she needed. To work things out, to have them in the air between them, to put them out there so her brain could process them with his input.
“Because I’m slow?” he said, and for the first time there was a bit of a smile on his face
“I’m pretty sure, in this area at least, slow is good.”
“It’s kind of what I thought too.”
“So did I talk you out of going to the couch?” she asked, as her fingers found the small dip in his back where his backbone was, and she followed it down to the waistband of his jeans. The humor faded from his face.
“Are you sure?” he asked, like she hadn’t just spent the last ten minutes trying to convince him to do what she wanted, rather than what he said he was going to do.
“I’m sure. But I don’t want you to be upset with me if waiting is something that’s important to you.”
“I think it might be the smarter thing to do.” His mouth closed, and he pressed his lips together before he said, “but, maybe... Maybe a good night kiss wouldn’t be a bad idea.”
It was a small victory, but she smiled anyway. “I think that would be a really great idea.”
He nodded. “So, just kissing tonight. And, we’ll probably need a lot of practice on that, so...the rational part of my brain wants to put a time limit on kissing. Like we should schedule how many days we’ll kiss, but maybe that’s not a good idea.”
“No. Maybe things will just happen naturally.”
“I think so. But you’re okay with this?”
“I’m okay with so much more than kissing.” She just reminded him, so he wouldn’t forget, that if they only had a good night kiss tonight, it was because he decided, not her.
He smiled a little, a slow smile, humor and affection on his face as his hand let go of hers, and both of them went around her back, stroking down the way she’d traced down his. “I was a little worried about what you’ve done, and how you’ve done it, and then I just decided that it doesn’t matter. And we’re going to do this my way.”
Maybe it was the control freak coming out in him. Probably being the oldest of any number of siblings made a person a little more controlling than average, but she didn’t care.
“I want it to be your way. That was the point.” He lowered his head, and her breath caught. She hadn’t been joking when she said he’d already been different than any other man she’d ever been with. And while she regretted those memories, wished they weren’t there, it was also nice in a way that she wasn’t afraid.
Her hands went over his shoulders and wrapped around his neck, tugging gently, as he lowered his head.
Maybe her impatience made him smile, or maybe it was just her. But, she saw his lips were tilted up before she closed her eyes, and lifted her face to meet his.
She didn’t feel fireworks or any kind of crazy thing like that, but when his lips settled over hers, she definitely had a feeling of rightness, of perfection, of total contentment, and while the flame of desire was there, the feeling of being cherished, of being appreciated for who she was, the gentleness he showed, the sweet tenderness, made any other man she’d ever kissed fade away,leaving room for only Ezra, and how perhaps his kiss wasn’t the most skillful, but it was the most perfect.
Her lungs didn’t want to work as he pulled away, and she dug her fingers into his shoulders to keep her balance when he lifted his head.
“That didn’t really feel like good night to me,” Ezra said softly.
