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“Maybe you’re not as ready as what you think.” His words were soft, and a little sad still.
“Maybe I am. I mean, I probably know myself better than anyone, right?”
He swallowed. The sound seemed to echo in the hall, like his throat was tight and it was hard to get it to work.
“Maybe I’m just being afraid. But I like to think it’s more that I’m being noble. Is that arrogant?”
“I don’t think so, but I don’t think it’s necessary either.” She didn’t want to push them into doing something that he didn’t want to do, but she also didn’t want to not give this part of their marriage attention. Not only was it her strongest area, but a physicalrelationship between a man and woman was just as important as whatever kind of relationship he was talking about as a foundation. At least in her opinion. Of course, she wouldn’t argue that it should be the first thing, but once a couple was married, there was no reason not to develop that relationship too.
“Do what you want,” she said, surprised at how easily the words came out. She wanted Ezra to be the head of their home. That was the biblical mandate, that the man was the head. She wanted to do what God wanted. But, she also really wanted her way with this. She felt like it was important. “I will try not to talk you into this, but I don’t think there’s any need for you to sleep on the couch.”
His fingers tightened around hers, and she squeezed back.
“I can’t deny it’s tempting,” Ezra said, and there was a wobble in his voice. It wasn’t nearly as confident as it usually was, and she didn’t know how to fix it.
He didn’t move to come any closer, or to turn toward the bedroom. He just stood there, like he was thinking, or maybe like he couldn’t make a decision.
“This is one temptation you don’t have to try to resist. And, I’ve been thinking a lot about it today, looking forward to it.” Surely he had too?
“I decided that wasn’t going to happen tonight. I decided that I was going to sleep on the couch before I even woke up this morning. It was a decision I made when we agreed to get married yesterday.”
“Why?”
“Because. We barely know each other. And, I think... I think it will be more meaningful if we have a solid friendship.”
“And maybe sleeping together will help us get to know each other faster.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw as he stared at her. Finally he said, “I can’t think of any good argument. I just have a gut feeling. Don’t you feel it too?” He looked away, over her head at the back wall, almost as though he were trying to marshal his thoughts. “I mean,I feel pulled toward you. I told you I want to, it’s not a matter of me not wanting.” He looked down, his eyes a little wide like he was concerned that she might have taken his reluctance that way.
“I did wonder,” she murmured.
“Yeah. Don’t.” His free hand came up, and his fingers brushed softly over her hairline, down her cheek, and his eyes watched, almost as though he couldn’t believe his fingers were touching her. “You’re so soft. So...beautiful.”
She shook her head a little. “Not beautiful.”
“You are to me.” It was all Ezra said. It was like he wasn’t going to try to talk her into believing anyone else thought that, but she couldn’t deny that he would speak the truth to her.
She contemplated that as she looked up to him. There hadn’t been a lot of people who had called her beautiful in her life. At least not with some kind of ulterior motive. Most of the time, the men she’d been with, hadn’t needed to. There had been already an understanding about what was going to happen, and they didn’t need to be tender or gentle. The way Ezra was being as his fingers trailed down her neck and moved under her hair.
“I think I can spend a lot of time touching, and not need to do anything else. You...feel a lot different than I do.”
“I think that’s the point, isn’t it? I’m supposed to feel different.”
“Better. You feel better. Softer. More delicate. And yeah, I guess you’re right.That’s the attraction right there. You’re different. Better.”
“Not better. Because, I don’t really want you to feel soft, or delicate.” There was humor in her eyes as she looked up at him, but he didn’t really smile back.
“That’s a good thing. You’d be disappointed.”
It felt to her like he might have been saying more than his words would indicate. Like he wasn’t just talking about how he felt, but more. She didn’t know how to reassure him. And she had to admit it made her feel a little powerful, to think that someone who was as confident as Ezra, would be...insecure because of her.
“I’m not going to be disappointed. Promise.”
“Normally, if I’m not sure about something, I’d do some research on it. Look it up on the internet. But I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea to research ‘how to not disappoint your wife.’”
“And I told you, you don’t have to worry about it.”
“I’m afraid you might be wrong about that,” he said.
