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It did not.
“It’s not just that,” I admitted. “I should have listened to you, Xavi. You are different here. I don’t want to go, but I’m not sure what to do about it.”
He gave a great sigh. “Ces, it’s only been one day—”
“I know,” I interrupted. “I know it’s only been one day. Not even, really. And I know I need to be patient. But something happened the second you got that phone call.”
I wanted to tell him I could feel it in the air. For the last month, we’d been making something of a life together in London. It wasn’t perfect, and yes, Sofia and I were still something like tourists, but even when Xavier had to work or deal with something in his real life, I always knew that we came first to him. He was protective of us to a fault and talked us up to everyone he met. I felt like we were the jewels of his life.
But here, we just faded away, hidden in the rest of the grandeur.
I opened my mouth to tell him all of it but found I couldn’t.
“There is something about this place that totally changes you,” was all I could manage. “You’re just…it’s not the same as in London.” I sank down onto the bed, trying to understand where I was going with this. “For one, those people. Your stepmother, your neighbors. You’re so quiet around them. More distant. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you sit through a dinner you didn’t cook without swearing.”
“I have to get along with them, Ces.”
I nodded. “Okay. But why?”
I couldn’t help asking. The Xavier I knew was more stubborn than a rock wall. He told people to fuck off quicker than he could smile. I’d just seen him practically throw his own chef out of his restaurant for messing up soup, but here, he was a tamed tiger. You knew he was dying to break free of the cage, but instead, he was prowling the house, waiting to be let out.
I didn’t like it.
He didn’t seem to either, as he tugged on his collar.
“Well, for one, as horrible as they are, Georgina, Frederick, and Henry are the only family I really have left,” he said. “And honestly, I consider the Douglases a part of that as well. I was going to marry their daughter, after all.”
“I—oh,” I said. I hadn’t really thought about it like that. I supposed family was family, even if you didn’t really like them.
“For another,” he continued. “I was hoping Lord Ortham might be able to help manage the estate so I don’t have to stay here. Frederick is too young to take it over—he’s still in school—and God knows Georgina has done enough damage over the past two months. I need help, Ces, like I told you. I don’t think I can trust anyone else. I’ve known Imogene and her parents a long time. They wouldn’t do anything to screw things up.”
I considered this point. It never occurred to me that he had an ulterior motive when it came to inviting the Douglases to dinner. I’d been too busy fuming to think it through.
“Okay,” I said. “That makes sense. But Xavi, please tell me you didn’t hire a nanny without consulting me first. Like, what the hell was that?”
Xavier seemed to make a decision, walking further into the room while he undid his tie. “Well, no. I haven’t hired anyone. Yet.” Then he just looked confused. “Honestly, I thought you’d be happy about it.”
“You thought I’d be happy about someone making a unilateral choice regarding the care of my own kid?”
“Well, technically, she’s not just your kid anymore, is she?” The statement was only slightly cut with resentment, but it was present.
I wondered if he’d ever forgive me for that.
Xavier sighed as if he knew that line of reasoning wouldn’t end in anything good. “My point is, I was trying to do you a favor.”
I held back a few choice remarks, still slighted by his earlier comment. “Regardless, it’s not a decision you make without me. Ever.”
He worried his jaw a moment, then came to stand in front of me and shoved his hands in his pockets. From my vantage point, his legs looked impossibly long, and the undone tie and disheveled collar only added to his general appeal. Damn. It was really hard to stay mad at him when he looked like that, and the spark in his eye when he caught me noticing told me he knew it.
“I don’t understand why you’re upset,” he said. “You’ve been happy to let Elsie babysit whenever she wanted this summer. I don’t expect you to be Sofia’s babysitter one hundred percent of the time.”
“I’m her mother,” I countered, staring up at him. “I’d never be her babysitter.”
He sighed. “Ces, I know that. I also know—because you’ve told me—that you’ve given all of your time to her over the last four years. If you want to keep chasing after her all hours of the day, fine. I won’t stand in your way.”
“You say that as if I wanted to give up my entire future to raise our kid on my own.” I was reaching now, but I was annoyed. “I had dreams too at one point. I wanted to be a professor. I wanted to study great works of literature and teach them to a crowd full of willing adults, not do glitter art and times tables. I wanted to go places that I chose, not just by the grace and mercy of another.”
“Well, you don’t have to wait anymore, do you? You can do whatever you want, if that’s what this is about. You want me to sack the nanny, fine, I’ll do it. You want me to hire one, that’s fine too.”
