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This man had hurt me more than anyone. He had proved to me over and over again that we weren’t right for each other.
That he wasn’t, just as he said, the man I wanted him to be.
Even if he was the man I loved.
What was I supposed to do with that?
“You can’t buy me a house,” I said at last, grasping for tangible things to manage. “I-I can’t talk about the rest. I just—I can’t. But there is no way I’m going to be able to go back to school with a three-month-old baby. It’s too much.”
“No, it’s not.” Xavier looked up from watching the river, like he really couldn’t believe that’s what I was choosing to focus on. “Women go back to work all the time after three months. You’re just scared, and you know it.”
“You’re damn right, I’m scared!” I broke out. “In ways you can’t possibly understand because you haven’t been around. For five years, my entire life has been about one little person. And I don’t care how much anyone loves their child. The truth is, you lose yourself as a new parent. Between midnight feedings, giving every extra cent to clothes and toys and diapers, being a slave to naps and finicky schedules, trying to decipher what kind of cry they are making at a particular moment, and not sleeping more than forty-five minutes at a time for potentially a year or more, you give up pretty much every semblance of independence you have foryears. So I can’t dream for myself right now, Xavi. Not when I’m about to lose that self all over again!”
“Except you won’t.” Xavier pushed off the railing and, before I could stop him, had captured my face between his large hands, forcing me to look up at him and see whatever earnest truth was in his dark eyes. “Listen to me. You will not lose yourself. I won’t allow it. I’ll be with you every step of the way. If you’re lost, I will find you. Ipromise.”
“Like you promised this summer?” I mumbled.
And there it was. The gap between us that he couldn’t quite bridge. Not with rings. Not with fancy houses. Not with promises to be my hero and love me always.
Words couldn’t cover it any more than empty promises of the future.
I honestly didn’t know what would.
I wanted desperately to look away, but Xavier had me trapped. His blue eyes reflected the darkening sky back at me, plumbing my depths with tools of sorrow.
“I didn’t even know you were lost until it was too late,” he said in a low voice. “And fucking hell, Francesca, I willneverstop regretting it.”
I shuddered. He couldn’t know how badly I had yearned for those words for more than a month now. When his eyes dropped to my lips, I licked them as if on command. Decision took him as he bent down and kissed me.
Home. I was home again. It didn’t matter that I’d run back to New York, the city of my birth, nearly six weeks earlier, intent on finding safety and refuge from the hurt the summer had caused. The reality was that for a central part of me, home was right here in this man’s arms, with those sure fingers molded around my jaw and neck, these soft yet firm lips seeking entry to mine, that tongue tasting every bit of me like I was the nectar of life itself.
I moaned into the kiss, opening to him, completely and fully aware of just how my very hormonal body was reacting.
Hormonal.
Pregnant.
OhGod, what was I doing?
“Xavier,” I gasped as he moved that wicked mouth across my jaw. “Xavi, please.”
“Fuck, my love, my love,” he murmured, stubbled chin causing goose bumps to pebble over my neck. “I need you, Ces, don’t you understand? I need you like a tree needs a drink after a long drought. I’m dying without you. I’ll die the rest of my life.”
His mouth found mine again, and I couldn’t quite stop my hands from slipping into the thickets of his black mane, pulling him closer, devouring him until, finally, my brain kicked in.
This wasn’t real. It was hormones. One kiss didn’t make everything he’d done disappear.
I broke the kiss, panting, then somehow managed to wrest my hands from his hair, set them on his chest, and push him away. “Xavi, we have to stop.”
His broad chest heaved as he stared at me, inky hair deliciously mussed, full lips even more swollen from the effect of our kiss. He looked somehow more edible than ever. I wanted nothing more than to consume him, body and soul.
“Why?” he demanded. “Why the fuck do we have to stop? You feel it. You love me. I know you do.”
I didn’t argue with him. By God, I couldn’t lie like that.
“It’s…complicated,” I said weakly.
Lord, I could barely think when he looked at me that way. Like I really was the oasis, and he had come wandering in from the desert.
