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It was the same look my mum would wear when I’d come home too late after curfew or get in trouble at school. Swear up and down it wasn’t my fault, that I had nothing to do with it. But she’d know in a second.
It was the same look Elsie had given me when I’d tried to convince myself to stay in London instead of coming to New York.
Same look Ces had nearly every bloody day, actually.
Women like that have got men by the balls from the beginning. The real question is whether you’re brave enough to let them take the lead. They usually know what’s best anyway.
I took ten deep breaths, flexing my hands open and closed, then visualized a calming place, just the way Dr. Hazelwood had taught me. Sometimes I needed to shove my face into an ice bath to calm down, but it was getting better. Right now, images of my favorite onsen in Japan were helping. So long as I didn’t imagine Francesca naked on my lap.
“I’m doing every fucking thing I can here,” I went on once my blood pressure had dropped to a normal level. “I took her rejection like a cuff to the cheek. Only came round when we had appointments or I had scheduled time with Sof. And now I’m moving into a bloody shoebox to be close to her because the woman’s too fucking stubborn to marry me like we both know she should.”
I expelled another long breath, then took a drink of water, wishing it were something harder. Even if it was ten a.m., talking about my feelings made me want to get pissed.
“Why do you think marrying you is in her best interest, if she does not?” the doctor asked. “Do you really believe you can decide that for her?”
I scowled. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It’s a bit paternalistic to assume she can’t articulate her own needs. Do you want a relationship where you are, in essence, acting like her father? Do you think that’s really what she needs? Or what’s best for either of you?”
Arrow, that one. Right through the heart.
“She loves me,” I said through my teeth. “I know she does. For one, she can’t stop looking at me. Every time I turn around, she’s right there, giving me them big green fuck-me eyes. Two months ago, I’d have had her on every surface of the apartment by now. She’d have called my name like I was Jesus Christ himself, and fell asleep in my arms, and felt better for it, too.”
“Pardon, but that rather sounds like lust, not love.”
“With me and Ces, they’re bloody close,” I retorted as I flopped back into the other Chesterfield chair and yanked at my tie. “Right now, she’s just punishing herself. And I’m supposed to say nothing? Do nothing?” I shook my head. “Fuck, if I so much as touch her shoulder, she scampers to the other side of the room like a scared kitten.”
“And why do you think she’s doing that?” Dr. Hazelwood scratched out a few notes as if I wasn’t glaring murder at her. “Can you think of any reasons why she might want to keep her distance right now?”
We’d been over this again and again for the past month and a half. I’d gotten into therapy mainly to figure out how to control my temper, but it was becoming clear to me that Francesca was, if not at the root of those issues, then certainly a trigger for them.
“She’s scared,” I admitted for what was probably the twentieth time since August. “She’s scared I’m going to hurt her again. Like I did before. Even though I swear to God, I did not kiss that woman.”
“Is it really about a kiss for her?”
I knew it wasn’t. Dr. Hazelwood knew it wasn’t. Ces said she believed that I didn’t kiss Imogene Douglas, and I believed her. It hadn’t come up once since we’d discussed it last.
But I’d broken her trust in a million other ways over the summer. Put a crack in the glass every fucking day until finally, the whole thing shattered. After going through nearly every interaction we’d had together, rehearsing them all right here in this office week after week, I was finally seeing what I’d done.
That’s why she was keeping her distance. It wasn’t just one kiss. It was too many other moments to count.
I sat forward and hung my head. “I’m not exactly a subtle man. She used to like when I was aggressive, but now I think maybe it makes her uncomfortable. But I don’t have time for her to realize I’m changing.”
“Don’t have time, or don’t have patience?”
I grimaced. See? Right fucking through me.
“Maybe it’s the latter,” I admitted. “Why wait when you can get what you want right away? Why waste the time, right?”
Dr. Hazelwood tapped her lips with her pencil. “Have you considered it’s not just your time that matters?”
Once again, straight into the gizzard.
I sat up in my chair. “Explain.”
Dr. Hazelwood said nothing, just fixed her steely gray eyes on me and waited.
Did I mention she also took me to task on day one for barking out orders? Yeah, our first session was a fun one.
