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I sighed. “Sorry, yeah. Would you please explain what you mean by that question, Doctor?”
Her thin lips spread in something that was almost like a smile. “Of course. Very good self-correction, there, Xavier. I didn’t even have to say anything that time. You’re learning.”
I nodded, ignoring the warmth in my chest at the faint praise. We’d established early on that I didn’t get much of that growing up—and that was one of the key things that attracted me to Francesca. Unlike my parents, she was the definition of warmth with Sofia. And when she turned that praise on me…fuck all. I was basically a pile of goo. A really happy mountain of melted Xavi.
“Time is relative to each person when it comes to emotional matters,” Dr. Hazelwood said. “The amount of time it takes for you to be ready for more may not equate to her healing time.”
“I know that,” I said. “Iknow that. But I just don’t understand why she’s denying everything between us.That’s what’s so fucking frustrating. She keeps saying we’re over, and anyone with two eyes can see we’re not!”
More deep breaths. More onsen images.
It was like offering a pair of gloves to a man in need of a parka. It helped a little. But only just that.
“I think we’ve already established that you don’t like being challenged,” Dr. Hazelwood said. “You were punished for challenging others most of your young life, and as a result, you see any challenges to your authority as undercutting your value as a person. Control is the only way you’ve learned to avoid being hurt, and so you wield it like a weapon, anticipating others’ attacks.”
I ground my teeth together but didn’t argue. That was the root of every tantrum I’d ever thrown right there and the main reason I’d continued seeing the doctor after she’d ripped me to shreds. Her ability to compact complicated patterns into a sentence or two was attractive to someone like me who valued efficiency.
In other words, someone who wasn’t particularly patient.
Dr. Hazelwood tipped her head to one side as she continued. “The problem is that true partnership includes those challenges. One might say they are necessary for its growth. The fact that Francesca is asserting her own needs with your presence in ways she didn’t previously could be viewed as part of that progress, if you let it. She’s self-actualizing, if you will, which means, despite appearing otherwise, her confidence around you is actually increasing. Giving herself the time she needs, while drawing clear boundaries around the ways she is comfortable with you interacting in her life, and the ways she is not. If you can accept those boundaries—accepther—she will eventually interpret that as unconditional respect and love.”
“Yes, but what about my needs?” I demanded.
“Such as?”
“Her.”
I pictured the onsen again, but this time Francesca was in it with me. And while, yeah, I wanted to kiss her, wanted to worship that body I loved so much, really what I ached for was her simple touch. The sweet giggle when I did something funny. The warmth in her bright green eyes when she looked at me with love.
My God, I missed her so much.
“Do you need her?” the doctor prodded. “Or do you want her?”
I shook my head. I knew where this was going. Dr. Hazelwood challenged that distinction on a regular basis, warning me that at times, my relationship with Francesca bordered on codependent, which would only enable my struggle for control.
But I couldn’t see it otherwise.
“It’s a need,” I said quietly. “Not because she props me up or makes me feel a certain way about myself. It’s because she’s my family. I need her just like I need to be around my daughter. Last Christmas, I walked into that party, and she was like a shining star, guiding me home when I hadn’t even known I was lost. And then she opened her door, and I saw my little girl, and…” I trailed off, finding it hard to speak as my voice cracked over the memory like an egg. “Look. For the first time in my life, I’ve got something to really live for, you know? I’ve got more than just a big kitchen and piles of money. And now that I’ve found it, I can’t let it go. It would kill me.”
“Those are very strong words,” Dr. Hazelwood said in a way that somehow managed not to be horribly judgmental. She had a knack for that too.
I swallowed. “Well, so are my feelings.”
She thought about that for a moment, then set down her pencil. “Then I suggest you own them. But don’t make her carry them for you.”
I frowned at my hands. “What does that mean?”
“It means it’s not her responsibility to bear the burden of your needs any more than you must bear the burdens of hers,” the doctor replied. “She has invited you to stay with her, which seems to me a positive step forward. But to be her partner is to acknowledge her boundaries and respect them until she moves them on her own. If you do need her, you might take her however she comes rather than trying to force her into something you want. Do you see the difference? We all need water. But we can consume it in any number of ways even if wewantit hot or in ice. Do you see?”
I grunted. I didn’t like it, but I understood. I closed my eyes and took myself back to the onsen again. Francesca was there, but this time, I winked her away.
Practically ripped my heart out to do it. But if what Dr. Hazelwood said was right, then Ces wasn’t responsible for calming my emotions. Not even in my imagination.
The doctor tapped her mouth again with her pencil as she watched me wrestle with her ideas. “I don’t generally quote religious texts in session, but I am reminded of that famous bit from the Bible that’s always read at weddings. Perhaps you might carry it with you to New York as a bit of a mantra.”
“Oh?” I asked suspiciously. I was far from a church-going man. “And what’s that?”
Dr. Hazelwood smiled. “‘Love is patient. Love is kind.’ I believe you can be so as well, Xavier. For yourself as well as your family.”
