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She meant well yesterday when she got after Ben about not telling her he used to be a doctor. I can imagine that even with their unspoken agreement it came as a shock to her that what he went through was so intense that he gave up his career. You don’t go through all that training just to try it out for a while. I can’t help but send good thoughts into the atmosphere for the other person in this world to do such a grand service for Luna and me, hoping for him to find happiness of his own.
As I settle back into the couch, I feel something start to happen. The cold, stormy sensation starts in my chest and sends trembling fissures down through my gut. My heartrate picks up and I feel myself inwardly shake.
My daughter… My child almost died.
Why is it just now hitting me?
Because adrenaline is a powerful drug, and it’s starting to wear off.
If he hadn’t been there at that very second, I would be returning to this house alone right now.
The reality makes me break out in a cold sweat, and all of a sudden I would do anything to make this grim anxiety to go the fuck away.
Anything.
I want to calm down, I want to relax. I want to feel like my heart’s not going to turn into a cold, possessed demon that’s going to jump out of my chest and wreak havoc on my life. I want to drift into another realm of existence where I don’t feel this.
With a shaky hand, I set my mug down on the coffee table and reach into the back pocket of my jeans for my phone.
I scroll until I find the name Michelle and hit ‘send’.
“Hey! How was the wedding?” She cheerfully greets after the second ring.
“Actually, I’m having a moment,” I breathe into the phone. “I need a meeting,” I finish, swallowing hard.
“I can be at the usual place in ten minutes.” Her tone immediately gets serious, and I hear rustling and the jangling of keys on the other end.
Thank God.
“Okay,” I whisper, hanging up and standing to grab my purse and slip my shoes on.
“Mom?” I call as I open the front door.
“Yeah?” She asks, coming around the corner, folding one of her blouses.
“I need to step out for just a bit,” I inform her, trying to keep my face as straight as possible, but I can never fool her, no matter how little we see each other. A tender, understanding expression falls over her head.
“Of course,” she crosses the room to me, takes me by the arms and gives my cheek a kiss. She gives my arm a firm but loving squeeze, like she’s transferring strength to me. “Take all the time you need.”
I nod gratefully, before turning and closing the door behind me.
Chapter Eight
Ben
After five daysin Matt and Mel’s house, I think I feel slightly human again. After I got over the jet lag and got myself on the right time schedule, I ventured to the nearest grocery store for some food staples and got acquainted with my surroundings within the house.
I noticed a bedroom decorated with a little girl in mind and assumed they must have it for Luna when she stays over, which must be often, judging by the tossed state it’s in.
I haven’t looked into a flight back to Bali yet having just gotten my biological clock to align with EST, and I’m in no hurry to turn around and throw myself off again so quickly. More surprising to me is that I’m not handling being back in this country again as bad as I thought I would. Maybe so much time has gone by that it would be okay if I came back, as reluctant as I am to entertain that idea. Still, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop; for the memories and flashbacks to attack me, making me run away again like a frightened child. Until then, small steps will suffice. I’ll figure it out. Being here but being alone might be just the key to doing that.
Although, seeing Kasey again would be more than alright. Other than Melanie, I haven’t let anyone get close to me in years, but when she hugged me… I was overcome with such an entrancing sense of comfort. It felt peaceful, and so surprisingly good. Warm, soft, yet so strong, with an accompanying scent of roses. I wouldn’t have minded staying wrapped up in that hug a little longer, which surprises the hell out of me.
Having just made myself a sandwich, I stroll into the living room to check out the newlywed’s DVD collection. Seeing as how I’ve been living the last few years on a boat with the barest of essentials, there is a lot I haven’t seen.
By the evening time, I’m just getting up to stretch my muscles when I hear a couple of sets of footsteps on the front porch, followed by a key fumbling in the lock. Before any kind of reflexes can kick in, the door swings open to reveal Kasey with Luna in tow. She looks as surprised to see me as I do to see them; wide blue eyes and raised eyebrows staring in my direction.
“Ben!” she exclaims. “Hi…”
