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I hadn’t even gotten a few words of reason out before he repeated himself.
‘Ged rid of it, or we’re done. And no, I won’t have any part of it, before you get any ideas.’
He took a look at my crushed expression and shook his head.
‘Look, I could use a little distraction, are you going to join me or what?’he asked next.
Was he joking?
The sad part is, he wasn’t. When my hand went hesitantly to my stomach, he actually scoffed and rolled his eyes, before walking away, leaving me pregnant, alone, and craving Oxy so bad I could practically taste it on my tongue.
I won’t go into the heartbreak and devastating loneliness I went through over the next few months. You can imagine it. But the withdrawals were torture, and having to fess up to my family was horrendous on my heart.
Evan dropped off the radar after that. He either kept a low profile because social media wasn’t his thing, or he really didn’t want to be found. I’d kept my eyes open for him here and there, not to chase him, but just in case I ever wanted to test the waters again. People change, and you never know when someone might have a change of heart and come around. I didn’t want him back, I got over him the minute Luna was born and I had a new love of my life. But for her to have a chance at having a daddy… I kept the door open for her. Obviously, I eventually gave up trying to find him - untilnow.
What the hell am I supposed to donow?
I have to get inside. I have to get in this meeting and talk it out. I called Michelle on the way and she agreed to meet me here and have a one-on-one when the meeting concludes.
I spend the next hour sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair, under ugly fluorescent lights while the smell of bad coffee lingers in the air. While it wouldn’t sound appealing to most, it’s the second safest place I feel in this world, next to at home with Luna. I tell my second ‘family’ what’s on my heart and as always, they listen with ears and eyes open, making me feel heard. And when it’s someone else’s turn to speak, I do the same, and am reminded that I’m not alone… something I’ve been reminded of countless times and will need to be reminded of countless more.
Afterwards, Michelle and I leave in separate cars to meet up at our usual place, a nearby Tim Hortons. On the way, I call Ben to check in. He’s too kind to tell me, but I know I must seem like the hottest mess he’s ever encountered.
Getting down on myself is a defense mechanism. If I can point out my inadequacies and be hard on myself before another person can say it, or think it, I seem to have this subconscious belief it will keep me from getting hurt. But something shifts when Ben firmly shuts me down.
“Kase, don’t start…” I hear his voice down the line, and while it’s oddly dominant for someone I’ve only known a month, it hits somewhere deep in the smallest and subtlest of ways, but in that moment, it feels like exactly what I need.
Like it didn’t work this time. Instead of me heading off any potential criticism, he put a stop to it before I could do my song and dance about always needing help, and the odd thing is, it calmed me down. It surprised me for sure, but that’s just it - it forced me to stop in my tracks and take a break from beating myself up. While the other people in my life try to delicately reassure me, this man was just plain not tolerating it.
My usual knee-jerk was to protest, and while I started to, I stopped myself. It wasn’t going to work on him, so instead, I told him what Luna needed, we hung up, and I went back to caring for myself so that I could come home and take care of my daughter.
Once inside, I order a decaf mocha latte as it’s in the evening, and the last thing I need is to get more amped up, not with my anxiety off the charts.
When Michelle and I get settled in a booth, we go through our usual breathing exercise, and even though she heard me at the meeting, she has me unload.
“Don’t do anything yet,” she advises me after twenty minutes of listening to me spew. “Remember, mistakes are made most often when emotions are running high.”
I nod along, listening as I rotate my coffee cup between my hands.
“I know it’s one of the hardest parts, but take time to process. Sort through your feelings, and when you’recalm…thatis the time to think about what to do.”
After giving Michelle my word that I won’t take any action yet, and that if I hit a rough patch, I’ll hit up a meeting or call her, day or night, I feel marginally better on the drive home, still not one-hundred percent, but ready to continue moving along with life.
When I let myself in the front door of my little house, the place is quiet, with no one in sight. I step softly, not wanting to call out so I don’t wake Luna. I go down the hallway and crack her door open just enough to see her sound asleep in her bed, not a care in the world. My heart squeezes once and then starts to melt at the sight, and I linger for a couple of seconds before shutting the door and going in search of Ben.
As I make my way through the kitchen and dining area, I see that my bistro lights are turned on outside.
My back deck is my oasis; my place of peace. I have it decorated with wicker furniture with maroon and purple padding and pillows, a fire pit table, and of course, the lights. I love coming out here in the evenings and having a cup of tea or decaf coffee, or a pint of ice cream, and enjoying the cozy atmosphere with fresh night air.
Sure enough, when I push the slider aside and step out, I find Ben sitting lazily in the glider with his feet up on the table, but he quickly puts them down and stands when I come further out on the deck, ever the gentleman.
“Hi,” I say, sheepishly.
“Hi,” he returns, his hands hanging down at his sides. “Are you alright?”
I nod tentatively. “How did your evening go?”
“Great. Luna ate a good dinner, we practiced in the driveway, we read Harry Potter and she passed out and… what?” he asks when he sees my eyes intensely holding his as I listen to everything he did for my child tonight; for me.
