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“So yeah, I’m just waiting for my old man to retire so that I can take over the shop and do things my way,” my date boasts. “In the meantime, I signed up with a modeling agency so I can see how that takes off. Guess we’ll see what happens first, you know what I mean? Want to see my headshots?”
“Um… sure,” I hesitantly humor him, hoping there aren’t too many. Vanity is a real turn off for me, but I’m still trying to keep an open mind here and not count down the minutes until I’m home on my couch with a pint in my hand - of ice cream, that is.
My date turns his phone screen towards me, and thank God, only shows me six shots in which he’s making pretty much the same cheesy facial expression before picking up his beer and proceeding to chug it as if he just crawled ten miles through the desert.Easy there, killer.
“Are you sure you don’t want a real drink?” he asks, as he slams the mug down and signals to the server for another.
Seriously?
“My ice teaisa real drink, so I’m good,” I quip at him, only slightly annoyed.
“Oh,” he rolls his eyes and shrugs a shoulder, “you know what I mean.”
Sure.I raise my eyebrows in mock humor.
“So,” he continues, “how come you’re still single?” He looks me up and down like I’m a perfect New York strip steak, grilled to his specifications.
It’s the first question he’s asked me in the forty minutes we’ve been here, and that’s what he goes with?
“Well,” I take a breath and look down as I twirl my fettucine on my fork, “I have a daughter, and I have pretty tight restrictions on who I introduce to her, and most guys don’t seem to have the patience to wait around for that long.” I don’t include that I’ve cut most of them loose after the first or second date because they don’t seem to know what the hell to do with their man card.
He chokes on a bite of one of his potatoes and brings his fist up to his mouth as he tries to cough it into the right pipe.
“Are you okay?” I ask, looking up in concern. “Do you need a drink?” I ask, nudging my iced tea towards him since the server hasn’t returned with a fresh beer yet. He gratefully takes a sip through the straw and coughs a couple more times before recovering.
“You have a kid?” he asks, as he gives his chest a thump.
“Well… yeah.” He should know that, it’s on my dating profile.
“I do not remember seeing that on your profile.”
Apparently he’s one of those that doesn’t read the bio and just looks at the pretty pictures.
“It’s on there,” I say absently, starting to check out. “So is that a deal breaker?”‘Cause if so, that’s cool.
“Oh! No,” he nervously chuckles, trying to save face, “not at all. It was just a surprise.”
“Hey, you’re not cool with it and that’s okay,” I hold my hands out and try to placate him, letting him off the hook. “I get it, and hey, it’s better we figure that out now, right?” Now this date can end.
“Well, okay, so it wasn’t on my list of ideals. But I’m still interested,” he gestures a hand at me and waves it up and down to indicate my body. “I mean, you’re a total MILF.”
Wow. Compliment of mylife. Oh pleeeeease propose next!
“Um, gee, thanks,” I respond with a steaming heap of sarcasm. “But look, I don’t think we’re clicking anyway, so we could just-”
“We could just take this back to my place,” he cuts in, moving a finger between the two of us, “and see if we click in other ways,” he finishes, wiggling his eyebrows.Oh be still, my throbbing vagina.
“I’ll pass,” I shoot him my most insincere smile as I start to take my wallet out of my purse and fish for some cash that will cover my portion of the tab.
“Oh come on,” he chides holding his hand out. “Okay, so a future might be out of the question, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun.”
“It does for me,” I don’t look up as I find a twenty and drop it on the table.
“Really, don’t go. I mean, you’re a single mother, and I bet it’s been a hot minute since you’ve gotten some. Let me help you out.” He puts on what I’m sure he believes is a sexy smolder, complete with hooded bedroom eyes and a half-smirk.
Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, he’s right, but that’s beside the point.
I try to school my expression to one of indifference, even though my temper is a raging inferno on the inside. I lightly knock my iced tea glass just enough for it to tip over in his direction and spill all over his lap.Oops.
