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“Why not?” she calmly challenges. “With everything you’ve been to me and Luna, the least I could do is be your vent.”
“No, not like that,” I retort. “I could have really hurt your progress.”
“Ben, if I can’t deal with real life… then I should just give up on sobriety right now,” she points out with a slight quiver to her voice.
“Fuck, you’re right,” I drop my head, feeling like a complete idiot. This woman is too damn wise for the pathetic mess of a man I am. I want to deserve her so badly. “I just feel so horrible for how I treated you. I know you’re so much stronger than to let an outburst from me get to you, but can I still feel badly about it?”
“Yeah,” she gives a small smile. “It shows you’re not only human, but a good one.”
“I have you to thank for that, Kasey,” I step into her, taking her face in my hands. “You mean so much to me, and I can’t tell you what having you in my life has done for me.”
She blinks and shakes her head at my proclamation.
“What could I have possibly-”
“Kase, look at me,” I growl firmly, holding her face steady so she can’t turn away. “Don’t you do that!” She doesn’t fight to escape my hold, but she closes her eyes while a tear escapes down her cheek. “You have been everything to me. You’ve shown me kindness, patience, humility, and have been the very definition of both strong and brave. You’ve made me see how pathetically weak I’ve been for way too fucking long, and you know what? It’s made me want to be better. It’s made me want to be a person again. To try having human relationships again…” I trail off, not knowing what else to say or how to explain how she makes me feel; how she inspires and motivates me.
My heart gives a flutter of hope when her eyes finally open and they’ve never looked clearer. Little do I know in this second, that that’s not a good sign for me.
“Ben, I’m so happy to hear all this, and I want all good things for you. You’re a much better person than you give yourself credit for.”
No. No…
I can see where this is going, and I don’t like it.
“But Luna and I? We can’t be your experiment.”
Fuck. She’s right, she’s absolutely right but…
“Kasey, you’re not-”
“Ben, you were in love to the point you married someone and then you tragically lost her, and I’m so sorry you went through that, so incredibly sorry, and I wish I could take that pain away. But I can’t be your stepping stone to see if you can love again. I just don’t have the reserves for the fall out that will happen when you decide you’re healed and that you can finally move on.”
“What if that’s not what this is? What if it’s the real thing, Kasey?” I softly challenge and she lets out a breath with a slight nod.
“I want so badly to believe that it’s not, but…” she steps away and I regretfully drop my hands, letting her. “I can’t afford to be wrong.” She wipes the tear away and straightens her back.
I want so badly to talk her into staying and doing everything in my arsenal to make her believe she is wrong, that I want what I have with her to be permanent, forever. But how can I prove it to her? I have no way. And she deserves proof.
“I have to go,” she whispers, and without waiting for a response, walks in the direction of her car.
Kasey
The next couple of weeks are one long, big task of focusing on life and business as usual. I go to work, I play with my daughter, and go to the occasional meeting. I also keep telling myself to take what Ben and I had for what it was: a nice time. A beautiful connection that will make for a wonderful memory I can visit whenever I want, but like with all the good ones, it wasn’t meant for me to keep. And I try desperately not to let it make me feel like my go-to sentiment: unwanted. Never needed.
Those thought fly at me constantly like demon bats from the underworld, and I swat them away all day long, all while telling myself it was the right choice; that it’s enough to have one man triggering me to spiral, let alone two.
Speaking of which, I’ve decided I need to nip at least one in the bud. I looked up the season schedule for Evan’s team and found out that they’re in town this week, for three games. Luna is going to Katy’s after practice today for dinner and some pool time, so I’ve reluctantly decided that after work today is the time to go rip off the band-aid so I can fully put it, and him, behind me.
I’m not expecting it to go well; in fact, I’m almost one hundred percent certain I’ll be rudely blown off. But I’ll take the blow in exchange for the closure and the satisfaction that I truly did everything I could for Luna to know her father.
“Oh my God, Kasey… look!” Lizzie’s voice snaps me out of my trance with a laughing smile as she gazes at her phone and waves me over.
“What?” I ask, as I lay the combs I just washed on a towel to dry and grab a paper towel for my hands.
“You have to see what your brother just posted!” she giggles, still laughing at the screen. “He’s with that hot guy, Leo…” she’s starting to stammer through her laughter, “that hot tattoo artist over in the UK…” her laughter only grows louder as she tries to speak, and I can venture a wild guess as to what I’m in for as I walk over to her as I finish drying my hands. Leo is a tattoo artist that they met overseas and whom they visit frequently whenever they’re over there for shows. “They’re pranking Chris!” she gasps out between more fits of laughter.
Oh God… this is either going to be epically good or epically bad. The guys in the band all love pranking the hell out of each other on the road. Throw a gregarious, equally mischievous tattoo artist in the mix, and let your imagination take you to limitless heights.
