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I just lied to my daughter.
After warring with myself on the drive home to regain my composure, I walked into my house and sure enough, the first thing on Luna’s mind was whether Ben was okay.
“He uh… wasn’t there,” I tell her distractedly, trying to seem casual and busy myself with opening the fridge and looking for something to make for dinner. It’s not a total lie. The Ben we know really wasn’t there. I pull some burger patties and hot dogs out of the fridge and finally chance a look up at her, and sure enough, my gaze is met with one of sad worry, and for a moment, I hate the guy who put that look in those wide brown eyes - just for a moment.
“I’m sure he’s fine, sweetie.” Another lie. I have no idea.
“Will he be at practice tomorrow?”
“I don’t know baby,” I blow out a breath of relief that she asked a question I can finally answer honestly. “I hope so,” I add as I take the meat outside to fire up the grill, thankful for the moment of respite to sort through things and give myself the usual pep talk whenever I get my heart stomped on.
Time to cut my losses, and go back to focusing on taking care of my daughter; staying sober; moving forward.
I don’t think I realize I’ve been holding my breath the entire drive to the gymnasium the next morning until I let it out in a whoosh when I see Ben, freshly showered and shaven, standing in the gym, waiting for the arriving young athletes.
He doesn’t look one hundred percent, but it’s a reassuring improvement from yesterday.
He offers me a gentle, tentative smile and it warms me just a little bit, before I inwardly shut it down. I can’t do this. I have to focus on picking up the pieces and holding them together as I push forward. I give him a slight nod as Luna goes running up to him, and use the distraction to turn and walk swiftly to my car without looking back.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ben
Today,I feel the way a patient with the full-blown flu does after some IV fluids. Not completely cured and normal again, but a damn huge improvement to how they felt beforehand. This morning, I wasn’t all the way there, but after Kasey threw it back at me, followed by Melanie verbally smacking me around, I’ve snapped out of it, mostly, and am back to functioning at least.
Luna running up to hug me gave me another dose of what seems to be the remedy. A new but familiar warmth took over my body when the bouncy little brunette threw her arms around my waist.
Then watching the kids as they got down to business with their drills after their day off got my blood flowing even more, chasing the toxins away.
But I still have a dull ache in my chest and a faint queasiness in my stomach, and I know why. I know the cause, just as well as I know the antidote. Seeing Kasey this morning, fresh-faced with no makeup and her hair in a messy bun, beautiful as ever, made a light flicker to life and ignite inside me. The only thing jading it was the reserved look on her face, followed by her retreating back as she left.
I need to make things right with her, but not only that, I need to move the fuck forward. I’m still not completely sure what my future looks like, but I know for damn sure I don’t want her to become part of my past.
As practice ends, I’m on pins and needles waiting for her to come and collect Luna. I’m not letting her go without telling her a few things.
She’s the last mom to walk in, which makes it perfect. Her eyes flit to mine for only a second before she seeks out her daughter and her friend.
“Brayden,” she calls, with a smile in place for the kids, “your mom called me and she’s running late, so you’re coming home with us for a bit, bud.”
“Yes!” Both kids yell in unison as they scramble to collect their things as I stride over to Kasey, determined to get her to acknowledge me.
“Can you stick around for a minute?” I ask hopefully. She crosses her arms and looks around the gym, reservation plain to see all over her face. “Please?” I tack on. She finally nods.
“Go on out to the car, guys. I’ll be right there.”
The kids oblige, racing each other to the door.
“Walk!” Kasey orders after them in a stern shout, and they immediately slow their pace but still shuffle quickly on their toes, obviously still trying to beat each other. She turns back to me and nervously chews on her lips, her eyes cast down to the floor. It’s hard for her to look at me, and as much as I hate it, I get it.
“Kasey, I’m sorry,” I plead. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that. You didn’t deserve it; not after everything you’ve been to me.”
She takes a deep sigh and looks at the ground and I can tell this isn’t going to be good. She’s stealing herself for what she has to say in response.
“It’s okay,” she holds a hand up in a calming gesture. “Ben, you’re human. You’ve kept so much bottled up for years and you got set off and had a naturally explosive reaction to it.”
Human. There’s a word I haven’t associated myself with in a while.
“But it shouldn’t have happened at you,” I gently argue.
