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Kasey releases a huge breath and starts sobbing as if all she needed was permission from someone to go ahead and lose her shit. I hold her tightly for the next half hour as she alternates sobbing and hiccupping with deep breathing. When it seems to peter off, she takes a few minutes to be still in my arms before finally sitting up.
“Are you okay? Where are you going?” I ask, keeping my voice low and level.
“I just need some fresh air,” she sighs. She sounds beat, drained, as she stands and walks out of the bedroom. I give her a few beats before getting up and following her. I stop in the kitchen and retrieve a bottle of cold water from the fridge and venture out to the back deck where I find her sitting on the futon. I take a seat beside her and offer her the bottle. She gratefully takes it, twisting off the top and taking a few long glugs before sitting back and letting out a breath, looking spent.
“Wanna talk about it?” I ask gently, as I place a hand on her leg, not even thinking about it. She closes her eyes and steels herself before answering.
“I went to see Evan,” she confesses, her voice barely a murmur.
Fuck.
“And it went just a little worse than I expected,” she nods to herself.
I swear, if I ever meet this guy, he’s going to need a plastic surgeon to put his face back to normal.
“Talked to me like I’m a piece of shit, and he can’t be bothered to give even a thought to that wonderful little girl in there,” she gestures towards the house. “It just breaks my heart.”
I don’t have anything wise to say that will magically make this go away. I remind myself again, that all I can do is be here. I continue to listen as I rub my thumb across the bare skin of her thigh.
“My whole life I’ve felt unwanted, and it was the last thing I wanted for her. The very person who fathered her doesn’t want her, and it guts me.”
Okay, now I have something to say.
“He’s a son of a bitch, Kasey.” She nods, looking down at the white planked wood of the porch. “I mean it, the world is full of them, unfortunately, and there’s nothing you can do to reprogram them. He’s not worth the dirt beneath your shoe, let alone the chances you’ve offered him.”
“I feel so stupid and useless,” she muses out loud.
“Hey, you are smart and level headed, and you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”
“Psssh,” she scoffs, looking down again. “One conversation with my daughter’s ass of a father had me running for the alcohol.”
“And it would’ve been so easy to just drink it and let it take you away from all this. But instead, you did the harder thing. You called me,” I point out. “I know you think accepting help is a sign of weakness, but you couldn’t be more wrong, Kasey. It’s a sign of strength, and yours is immeasurable.”
In fact, it makes me want to take a long, hard look at myself and figure out why I can’t be as strong. This incredible woman does it on the daily for herself and her innocent child. I never faced my grief because it was too painful, hell, I was afraid of it. Just like Kasey was afraid to go confront her worthless ex, but she did it anyway on the slightest chance it could benefit her daughter. And because of it, she’s going to evolve as a strong and beautiful warrior that I don’t deserve.
Kasey sighs and relaxes her head on my shoulder.
“I’m so tired, Ben.”
“Do you ever think that if you eased up on yourself, you’d be less so?”
“I feel like being hard on myself is what keeps me in line. It’s like I’m afraid if I let go of the reins, I’ll go crashing into a ditch,” she lifts a shoulder.
“That actually makes sense,” I say into her hair. “Could you maybe be less hard on yourself then? Give yourself a break every now and then?”
“I don’t know,” she breathes out honestly, “but I’m tired of trying to refuse help and support from people.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I nod, “because I have something to fess up.” I don’t know why, but in this particular moment as she’s letting herself be vulnerable, I feel oddly comfortable doing the same with her. “Helping with Luna’s team and taking care of you when you need a little help… it seems to be making a part of me start to heal.”
“It makes me feel a little better knowing you’re getting something out of it.”
“It’s fulfilled my life, Kasey,” I whisper into the top of her head. “I spend time with you because you make me feel nothing but good things, like… brave… hopeful… safe… happy.”
She lifts her head to look up in my eyes. Hers are tired but clear, and reflecting the light of the stars. She lets a small smile tug at the side of her mouth. I’m not sure if it’s because she doesn’t believe me, or because she just doesn’t know what to say. I know she has a hard time believing these things about herself, and I don’t know how else to convince her, other than to just let her see it my eyes. So we gaze at each other for a moment, before she rests her head on me again, while I count the minutes until I can hold her in bed again.
We’re quiet for a little while longer, and as her head gets heavier on my shoulder, I suggest we go back inside so she can try and get some sleep. We get into the bed and resume our position with her head on my shoulder and my arms wrapped protectively around her, and she has no idea she’s making me feel just as safe I hope I’m making her feel.
“Will you tell me a little about Jamie?”
