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I try not to let my body react to the jolt her question sent through it.
“How come?” I ask into the side of her head and she raises a shoulder.
“Knowing her, loving her, losing her… all those things helped make you who you are. And I really… like that person. So it just makes me want to know more. Please?”
With how much she’s shared with me and let me in, I need to get over myself and give a little back. I release a sigh, and settle in to dig up what I’ve been avoiding for so long, knowing that with Kasey, I’m in good hands and she won’t let me slip into that dark place.
“We met in college. I was pre-med, she was majoring in education. She became a middle school teacher; history and math. She really enjoyed history. She loved apples so much it was ridiculous. She believed in shooting stars. When she was in a good mood she was sassy, and when she was in a bad mood, she could kill plants with just a look.”
I feel Kasey smile against my chest as I go on, rattling off random details about Jamie as they fly through my head, until we both drift off.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ben
I peelmy eyes open the next morning to find daylight coming through the windows. It’s not bright, bursting sunlight promising fresh starts and new beginnings, rather it’s just overcast. My eyes look down to find Kasey still beside me, dead to the world. The emotions and trauma of yesterday surely sucked everything out of her because she’s sleeping hard.
I take a few moments to fully wake up and decide if I should wake her up, make myself scarce before Luna wakes up, or stick around for either or both of them.
I finally get up and put my clothes back on, and venture to the kitchen to make some coffee. I sure as hell need it, and Kasey could wake up any minute wanting the same thing. Mug in hand, I head out to the back porch where Kasey and I sat only hours before, and stare out at the peaceful backyard and acknowledge the thoughts that come flooding into my mind about how nice this is; the leafy deciduous trees, the grass… none of what I’m looking at is like Bali, and I’m unbelievably not missing it. I could see myself staying right here for the rest of my life and being happy. I’m so close to being ready to move forward, and doing it with the people that are right in front of me, but there’s some kind of chink in the chain I have to fix first, and I just have to figure out how.
“Hi, Ben,” I hear Luna’s voice gently break me from my thoughts. I turn to see her walking out onto the porch, still in her pajamas and rubbing the sleep from one of her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“Well…” I try to think of how to answer with the honesty this kid deserves, without single handedly bulldozing her innocence. “Your mom just needed a little help last night-”
“She’s sick again?” she interrupts, her questioning expression holds an undertone of devastation that rips my heart out.
I slowly nod at the floor before looking her in the eye and adding, “Yeah, she’s not feeling good.”
Luna sighs and looks at the floor and mumbles. “I could tell when she picked me up last night. She would hardly talk but kept telling me she was okay. Why will she never tell me when she’s not okay?”
“She doesn’t want you to worry about her sweetie,” is all I can think to say. “It’s not a kid’s job to worry, you know? She doesn’t want you to have to.”
“But Ido,” she argues, starting to get emotional and I stand up and walk over to her. While she’s usually the one to dote on her mom, I get the feeling that Luna might be the one who could use some attention and spoiling today. And by the way Kasey’s sleeping, I feel like she could use the rest and regroup.
“I know kiddo, and it’s because you’re a good person, a good daughter,” I squat down in front of her. “And listen, I know when your mom isn’t doing well you like to be home and be near her, but what would you say to coming out with me for a while? We can get some breakfast and go wherever you want. Would that be okay?”
“’Kay,” Luna sighs and turns in the direction of her bedroom, presumably to get dressed. I find the notepad that’s stuck to the fridge with a magnet and jot a note to Kasey to let her know Luna’s with me, and to just take the day to rest but to call if she feels she needs me. Luna comes out a few minutes later in shorts and a hoodie, and I try not to let the amusement show on my face as I realize it’s the same way her mom dresses when she doesn’t feel like putting in any effort, and it’s adorable.
Luna gets her first ride in my new truck, and decides she wants Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast and I readily concede, willing to do anything to cheer her up. Kasey can kill me later.
We take our corrupt breakfast to a nearby park that has a duck pond, and I put the tailgate down while we eat in silence. Luna has yet to crack a smile, and she looks like her frosted, sprinkled donut might as well taste like Styrofoam. I can see this is going to take a little time to get her on the upswing.
“You’re not handling this like you usually do, kid. Are you doing okay?” I ask, trying to break the ice.
“Just… why does she have to be like this? Why can’t she just do something to make it stop?”
Luna’s forehead is creased so tightly and I can see she’s trying with everything in her not to cry. From what I understand, this is the first time Luna’s actually gotten upset over her mom’s addiction. With how much this resilient kid has been rolling with all the punches her whole life, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. She’s too young to understand Kasey’s struggles. It doesn’t make sense to her, but she’s been supportive and encouraging of her mom anyway. I’d say she’s more than allowed a little meltdown.
“Come here, kiddo.” I hold my arm open and she scooches over on the tailgate. I pull her in close and she finally let’s a sob escape. I wrap both arms around her and let her go for a while; letting her get it out of her system. When she takes a couple breaths, I sense that the worst is behind her.
“Can you remember a time you’ve been sick?” I ask Luna, thinking this may be the best way to explain it to her.
“I’ve gotten sick where I’ve thrown up a lot and had to stay in bed all day. It was so horrible and gross and I hated it.”
“Why didn’t you do something to make it stop?” I ask gently, and I’m met with silence and then a couple of stammers.
“W-well… I couldn’t. I… I was just sick and I couldn’t help it. I just had to wait for it to go away.”
