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“What about Axel?” Alex mused, looking at his phone. “If it’s a boy. It’s like a play on my name.”
“Axel Harbour? He sounds like a rocker already.” I giggled, as Alex pulled me into his arms. “I was thinking something more simple like Toby or Blake?”
“Blake Harbour…” Alex thought for a few seconds. “I like that! What if we have a girl, though?”
“Maisy,” I whispered. “I’ve always loved that name.”
“Maisy Harbour or Blake Harbour. Mmm…I love them.” Baby names were the easy part. In seven short months, Alex and I would be fitting our lives around a child! How did we even start to prepare for that?
Chapter Eight
When you see two lines on a pregnancy test, you don't question it. Those two lines become a pathway where you see your child's whole future before you’ve even met them. Endless images of holding your child's hand as you guide them through life, birthday celebrations, their first steps, their first word, the first day of school, watching them go out
into the big wide world without you. It all flashes before your eyes. The only way that can be taken from you is hearing four small words. Four words that crush you to the core. ‘There is no heartbeat.’
Alex and I sat looking blankly at the doctor. I couldn’t have heard him right. Everything was perfect at the last scan. I was sixteen weeks and past the danger zone. We were going public with our news next month!
“I’m sorry, what?” Alex’s voice cracked as he spoke.
“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Harbour, but there is no sign of a heartbeat,” the doctor repeated. “I can get a second opinion, but the only heartbeat I can detect is Mrs. Harbour’s.” I’d lost our baby. My body had failed us. I had failed. I crumpled into darkness, unsure if I’d ever surface again.
Time meant nothing to me anymore. I had no idea how many days I lay in bed, but I hadn’t started to bleed yet. If things didn’t progress within a couple of weeks, I’d have to go into hospital and have Little Bean induced. Little Bean…could I even call our baby that now? The stomach flutters had stopped, but I was still exhausted. Why was I still getting pregnancy symptoms? Liv had been keeping her distance after hearing the news, as had Alex, if I was being truthful. That was fine by me. This loss had happened in my body! I needed time alone to process it.
What had I done wrong? I still didn’t understand. Rubbing my stomach, tears began to trickle down my face. Oh, Little Bean, if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. Fuck, this hurt! How could you miss someone so deeply that you’d never even met?
“Nat?” Alex’s soft voice came from behind me. Wiping my eyes, I turned to face him. “Baby, you need to eat something. Maybe come out onto the balcony? The fresh air will do you some good.”
“I don’t want to.” Turning away from him, I cradled my stomach and closed my eyes as more tears filled ran down my cheeks.
“I don’t know what to do, Nat. You’re scaring me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” It was hard to ignore the desperate tone in his voice, but I had no words of comfort for him. I was lost in a painful abyss. Alex might have been holding onto me, but I couldn’t see a way out.
Little Bean was induced a couple of weeks later. It was a memory that I pushed into the back of mind. If I fixated on that horrific day, I feared I’d lose myself for good.
Once it had been determined what Little Bean had passed away from we were allowed to bury him. A boy. Alex and I learnt that I’d been carrying a boy. It was like losing him all over again, picturing his little face. It sent me into madness. A parent should never have to bury their child, yet here we were, saying goodbye to him. Images of his tiny casket starred in my regular nightmare. I’d never known darkness like it. I fell deeper and deeper, the heartache gripping me like nothing had before.
~WEEK ONE~
“You need to eat something.” It was Alex’s voice, but I could hardly hear him. “Nat, are you even listening?” I clutched my stomach and allowed the desolation to take me.
~WEEK TWO~
“Why won’t she talk?”
~WEEK THREE~
“What do we do?” I had no idea who was talking. “She had some soup earlier. Should I call the doctor?” No, just let me drown!
“She’s been sleeping for hours. I can’t stop watching her.” Alex’s voice was emotionless.
“What do I do?” Was Alex even talking to anyone?
~WEEK FOUR~
“It’s killing me to watch her this way. The doctors said it’s a form of PTSD from all the trauma.” Alex was talking to Liv after the doctor had visited. “He gave her some fluids and suggested therapy when she comes out of the trance. I wish she’d fucking talk to me! This is scaring the fucking shit out of me!” I’m trying to come back to you. Please give me time!
“I’ve failed her. What if this is all my fault?” Why was he torturing himself like this?
~WEEK FIVE~
