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“Alex, I’ll try and talk to her.” Liv was pleading with him about something. “She is safer here.”
“I’m fucking losing her, Liv. She’s been in a trance for almost a fucking month! I have to do something! This doctor said he can help her at his clinic.” No! I wasn’t going anywhere!
“No!” I shouted. “I’m not going anywhere!”
“Nat!” The desperation in Alex’s voice as he rushed toward me crippled me. “Oh, baby! You had me so fucking worried.”
“I need time and space, Alex. I’m processing everything, okay?” I promised, touching his face. “I need to be in my own head for a little while. That’s all.” It was like an elastic band had snapped in my head, freeing me a little from all the darkness in my mind.
“Okay, baby.” Kissing my forehead, Alex sighed. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”
The next few weeks were quieter. Alex mostly left me alone in the daytime, but would hold me all night to help with my nightmares. I was talking now, but still needed time to work through everything in my mind. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me. At least I’d showered today; I hadn’t done that in a week or so. The bed had become my safe haven, and I didn’t want to leave it. The stitching in the sheets felt as if they were holding me in place. If I closed my eyes for long enough, I wouldn’t feel the pain as much.
“Nat?” Liv sat on the edge of my bed. “We’re all worried about you. Especially Alex. He thinks you’re shutting him out.” Was I? It was obvious I couldn’t be strong for the both of us right now, not when I was dealing with so much heartache. But I wasn’t purposely shutting him out. “Maybe if you talked to your parents? Your mum…”
“NO!” I snapped. “I’m not telling my parents! It’s bad enough watching the way you, Alex and Shane watch me. I can’t deal with the sadness in their eyes, too!”
“At least talk to Alex properly! Nat, it’s been six weeks! He’s going out of his mind! I saw him with a whiskey bottle last night.” My body froze! No! Please tell me he didn’t! “I don’t think he had any, but he was staring at it for hours!”
“I don’t know what you want me to do! Call Diego, Liv. He’ll know what to do.” I wasn’t strong enough for this right now. I had my own battle that was raging inside. How could I tell Alex what was going on in my mind, when I had no idea myself.
“Nat, Alex wants you. Diego can only do so much.”
“Enough, Liv!” I yelled, angry. “Please, just go! I can’t do this right now, okay?”
“Why are you shutting us all out? We’re trying to help you! You don’t have to be such a bitch! You really think wallowing in this bed is the right thing to do? You need to get up and do something!”
I saw red! How fucking dare she?! “Have you ever lost a child, Liv? Do you have any idea what that emptiness feels like? I can’t fucking breathe without feeling pain! The only time I’m not hurting is when I manage to fucking sleep! Wallowing in this bed is all I have right now! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!”
“Nat, I’m sorry, I…” I’d wounded her, but I couldn’t find it in myself to care. Liv began to back away from me with thick tears trickling down her face. My eyes fell on Alex, who was leaning on the door frame. Fuck! Had he heard all of that! “I’ll leave you guys alone.”
“How long have you been leaning there?” His beautiful face looked tortured.
“Long enough,” he sighed, pushing off the frame. He didn’t head toward me like I thought he would. Taking the curtain that led to our balcony in hand, he pulled it back slightly, looking into the distance. “I didn’t drink any whiskey last night.”
“Alex, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I…It’s been a difficult month.”
“Why are you shutting me out, Nat? Are you blaming me? Do you think it’s my fault we lost the baby?” What? How could he think that? “Fuck, if my past is the reason we… Fuck!” Alex couldn’t finish his train of thought. Wait? Was he blaming his drink and drug taking days for our loss? No, Alex! Don’t do that to yourself! “I’d understand if you wanted to leave, Nat, if I can’t give you what you want. Where the fuck do we even go from here?” That was all I needed for my brain to jump into action. He thought I wanted to leave him? God, no!
“Alex, I’d never want to leave you. I haven’t been keeping my distance because I blame you. I blame myself. My body couldn’t hold onto our baby. I’m the one who’s failed us, not you.” My words came out as a sob, my thoughts finally given voice. Alex was by my side in an instant, pulling me into his arms.
“Baby, no, none of this is your fault. Fuck, Nat! This is why you’ve been in a trance? You’ve been dealing with this feeling for weeks!?”
“Why did Little Bean have to leave us?” I sobbed into his chest. “It hurts so fucking much. I need it to stop!”
“I know, baby! I know. I’m here. Let it all out.” At Alex’s words, I clung to him as grief spilled out of me like a waterfall. All the deep sobs escaped my chest, and I cried until there was nothing left.
I woke up wrapped in Alex’s arms. Had he been holding me the entire time? Looking up at him, I saw he was already awake, watching me. “Please tell me you at least got some sleep?” I questioned.
“I had a little.” He shrugged, moving some stray hair off my face. “How do you feel this morning? Are you up for a little breakfast? I can bring it up here if it’s easier for you?” It was hard to not disappoint that face. I was a little hungry.
“Maybe a glass of juice and some fruit?”
“Coming right up,” he beamed, jumping off the bed to put his sweatpants on. Even in my state, it was difficult not to stare at his muscles and my favourite sword and wings tattoo on his back. Okay, second favourite since he’d got the one in honour of me. Giving me a loving smile, Alex left in search of food for me. I glanced at the time and knew Mary would be in the kitchen. I’d end up with more than just fruit, knowing her.
Fifteen minutes later, Alex came in carrying a tray. “Mary went a little over the top when I told her you had a bit of an appetite.” When he placed the tray on the bed, my mouth watered. Pancakes! Yeah, I could definitely eat a few of those! “It’s good to see you eat,” Alex mused, watching me take a mouthful of pancake.
“Did you want some?” I offered my fork to him. Alex shook his head, chuckling at me. “How long was I asleep for?”
