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“About nine hours. The sobbing seemed to really exhaust you.”
“I feel a lot better for it.” I wasn’t healed—that hole in my heart was still there—but I felt more in control of my emotions.
“Promise you won’t shut me out like that again? I’ve been a fucking mess this last month and a half. I thought I was losing you.” Alex shook his head as if to dispel the thought. “Whatever happens now, we’ll face together, okay?”
“I promise,” I breathed, reaching out to touch his face. Had it really been over a month since I’d felt his skin under my fingertips.
“I know that look, Straight Lace. No intercourse until you get the all clear from the doctor, remember?” Intercourse? Alex had never called it that! “What?”
“Intercourse?” I snorted.
“I have to use that word to make it sound less sexy, because right now all I want to do is bend you over and fuck the shit out of you!”
“Are you talking about anal?” I’d make more jokes like that to watch his face light up the way it just did.
“Watch it, Straight Lace. Once you get the all clear in a few weeks, there will be nothing stopping me claiming any part of you I want.” Shit! That predatory look was in his eyes again. I needed to behave!
“You can’t say shit like that to me and not expect me to combust.” I was breathless as I spoke because in that moment, I realised how much I've missed his touch. His eyes looked more alive. Shit, I’d really put him through it this last month. How could I have been so selfish? Suddenly, I was wishing the weeks away as quickly as he was. If anything made sense, it was when we were connected in an intimate way. All the madness would fade away for a little while. Piece by piece, Alex would put me back together.
Alex held my shaking knee in place while we waited for the doctor to call us in. We were getting the results about Little Bean today, and hopefully getting the all clear to start trying again. Not that Alex and I were anywhere near ready for that. Even if my body was ready, my mind was far from it.
“Mr. and Mrs. Harbour,” the doctor called, coming out of his office. My stomach lurched as Alex squeezed my hand. I hated hospitals, most people did, but knowing the last time we’d stepped foot in here was to birth a child that we never got to keep…it was almost too much to bear.
The smell of antiseptic flooded my senses as Alex and I took a seat at the doctor’s desk.
“Can we get on with it, Doctor?” Alex asked. “My wife isn’t comfortable here.”
“Oh, of course, Mr. Harbour.” The doctor turned his attention toward me. “I’ll be scanning you and doing an internal exam today, Mrs. Harbour. Is that okay?” Swallowing, I nodded. Let’s get this over with!
I was healing well according to the doctor. My bleeding had finally come to an end last week. It all tied in with the healing process. My hormones were still all over the place, but the doctor explained that was normal.
“The heart wasn’t forming properly. The foetus would never have gotten to full term. I’m very sorry for your loss.” Tears trickled down my face. Little Bean’s tiny heart had given up.
“How does that happen, Doctor? Was it something that could have been overlooked at our other scans?” Alex sat, tension radiating off him. “My drug use in the past, could that have caused it?”
“Mr. Harbour, little is known about miscarriage. Most are likely to be a chromosome issue. You and your wife are both young and healthy people. I have no doubt that you will have a healthy pregnancy at some point. Are you taking any substances at the moment?”
“Of course not!” Alex snapped, squaring his shoulders. “I’ve been clean for well over a year!”
“That’s good. If you and your wife would like any further tests, I can arrange that for you. Other than that, you’re all set to try again when you’re both ready.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” I breathed, standing up. I needed to get the hell out of here!
“Nat! Wait up!” Alex grabbed my hand, pulling me to face him. “Shane is meeting us out the back. I don’t want to chance anyone seeing us leave.” Oh, yeah, that made sense. “You were amazing in there.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I scoffed as he lifted my face to meet his gaze. “I’m barely holding on.”
“You can fall, baby. I’ll always catch you.” A single tear trickled down my face at his words. “Come on. Let’s get you home.” I couldn’t argue with that. The shelter of our LA mansion was all I needed right now.
Chapter Nine
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Diego was sitting by the edge of the pool at the mansion. Remi was busy at a fashion show in New York this week, so he’d come to visit. “I could have been there for both of you! I had no idea you were even trying!”
“Diego,” Alex called from his sun lounger. “Don’t take it out on, Nat. We both decided to keep it to ourselves! It’s not been fucking easy, believe me. Her body has gone through fucking hell!” We were on week thirteen after our late miscarriage. Alex had been incredibly patient with me the entire time. I went back to work a few weeks ago, and the routine definitely helped, but my mind was still in turmoil. Getting physical with Alex after what had happened was harder than I thought it would be. I simply wasn’t ready yet.
“I know, Bitch!” Diego called back at him. “I don’t like the thought of you two dealing with this alone! That’s all!” It felt good to finally tell Diego. It meant Alex had someone to talk to. He’d felt so out of control these last few months, and I’d been little help to him. “Grieving a tiny person! Fuck! I don’t know how anyone has the strength.”
“It’s amazing how strong you can be when you have no choice.” Looking over at Diego, I offered him my hand, which he took. “You’re here now. That’s all that matters. Alex and I needed to be strong enough before we told the people we care about. I only told my parents last week.”
