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This was my fault, though! My body had failed me again! How many times did I have to put Alex through this pain?
He had the pain of losing his child and watching me fall apart. What had we ever done to deserve this?
All we wanted was to be parents. When would our time come?
Chapter Eleven
One Year Later
When you lose one child, a piece of you dies. Miscarrying another four…that shit breaks you in two. I didn’t even know who I was any more. Alex and I were constantly fighting. So much that Liv had moved out of the mansion with Shane for a little while. I was ignoring my parents' phone calls. Diego was still trying to get through to me, but all I wanted was to be left alone. At least Alex had someone he could talk to. We'd been to countless hospital appointments, believing there had to be something wrong with my body. I could get pregnant easily enough. It was keeping the baby that I had an issue with. There had to be some small detail that had been overlooked. Maybe my blood was too thick, my womb might have issues, perhaps my hormones weren’t producing enough HCG. We checked my egg quality and Alex’s sperm count, too, praying our doctor would find something that he could fix!
That was the sickest joke of all, thinking I could be fixed. If the universe was trying to tell me something, it was that I'd always been destined to fail. There was nothing wrong with my body, I was simply unlucky! There was nothing that could be done that hadn’t already been tried. After five losses, it wasn’t easy to accept that it was just one of those things! Why did this keep happening to us?
“I can’t do this anymore, Nat!” Alex’s cold words tore me apart after our fifth miscarry. He didn’t want to try again? Was he done? “I can’t keep putting you through this. It’s fucking killing me! We’ve tried…five fucking times. I won’t get you pregnant again.”
“You can’t make that choice, Alex!” I yelled, tears falling thick and fast down my cheeks. “Can’t we at least talk about it?”
“No! My decision is fucking final! I’m going to talk to the doctor about getting sterilised!” NO! He couldn’t do this! This wasn’t just his decision to make! “You can hate me all you want, but I will not watch another piece of you die while you miscarry. This last one almost finished me! It’s fucking pulling us apart, goddammit! There are more options than you having a baby. We could always adopt. My sperm has already been frozen. We could look at a surrogate if you get your eggs harvested.” What the fuck was he saying? Did he really think I could watch another woman carry our child!?
“Why don’t you fucking go out and fuck someone else and get her pregnant? That’s practically what a surrogate does anyway!” I seethed, pushing at his chest. “You fucking asshole!”
“You know it’s nothing like that! Once you calm down, you’ll understand why I’m doing this.” Alex tried to touch my face, but I pulled away. At that moment, I hated him! The pain on his face didn’t even affect me. “I’m going to stay with Cody for a few days. Give you some space. Okay? Liv and Diego will come and check on you. I understand that you need time to process.” Alex could do whatever the hell he wanted. I didn’t give a shit. With one last longing glance at me, he left. Fuck!
I was as lost as Alice in Wonderland. The person I’d been didn’t exist anymore. I was irrevocably changed.
The tears that continued to trickle down my face were unexplainable. Hadn’t I cried enough these last few months? Why wasn’t I strong enough? Why did this have to happen to us again and again? This darkness was consuming me. I could feel it pulling me under again, but I couldn’t see a way out.
How could I save myself and my rock star when everything we had ever wanted was slipping through our hands?
Our Wonderland had been ripped apart, just like my heart.
I sat on the balcony looking up at the stars. I had no idea what time it was, but I knew it was late. Mary had dropped off some water and food earlier, and I’d been picking at it for a few hours.
How could Alex have made that choice for the both of us? Did I even know him? We’d been married for almost two years, and he felt like a stranger to me right now. If I wanted to put my body through trying for another baby, that was my fucking decision! I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t even talk to me about it.
Yes, having five miscarriages had taken its toll on us. What couple wouldn’t be affected by that? I’d been trying, though! I was still going to therapy, and I was on medication to control my depression! What was Alex doing? He was fucking giving up!
With his new album and book set to release next month, maybe he just needed a clear head? If he needed time, I could wait to try again. I’d almost become numb to the thought of having to pick myself back up after another miscarriage. It’s strange what you get used to when you have no choice.
Numb was a good word to describe me these days. I didn’t feel much, only longing and darkness. I blamed it on my medication, but deep down, I knew it was because my life was spiralling out of control.
I had a darkness very similar to Alex’s these days. I was beginning to see why he tried to drown it out with alcohol and drugs. Fuck, can you hear yourself? Get a fucking grip!
My phone buzzed. Shit! It was four in the morning! Looking at my screen, it appeared that Alex couldn’t sleep either.
ALEX: Don’t hate me, Nat. I can’t bear it! Watching you fall apart each time you lose one of our babies…it’s destroying me. I feel responsible because I’m the fucker that keeps getting you pregnant. It wasn't easy to make this decision when I knew it would break your heart. Please try to understand I’m doing this because I LOVE YOU!
Everything Alex said these days made me cry. This message was no different. It was hard to type, my vision was blurry from my tears. Finally, I managed to send a response.
Alex, you made this decision without even asking me. How did you expect me to react? If it’s difficult for you to watch, how do you think I feel? It happens in MY body! I’m not ready to give up this dream yet! All I’m asking is for another chance. If it ends the same as the others, we can talk about options, but don’t take this choice from me. Not like this. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive you if you do! I love you, too, but this decision has ripped me in two. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we can try again!
Knowing I was being brutally honest with him, I was a little worried at his response back.
ALEX: Baby, trust me, I know it’s all going on in YOUR body! That is what’s killing me. You’re slipping away from me with each baby we lose. Do you really think I want to jeopardise you? How many times are you going to put your body through this? 10? 100? There will be nothing left of you. I want to save you, Straight Lace! Please let me save you. I can’t fucking lose you!
Letting out a frustrated sigh, I slammed my phone on the table! Why couldn’t he understand? The stubborn, controlling asshole!
My neck was stiff, and when I opened my eyes, I realised why. I had fallen asleep on the sun lounger outside on the balcony. Rubbing my neck, I stretched from side to side, trying to release the tension. At least I’d gotten some sleep eventually. Looking over at my phone, I had a few messages. Liv was checking up on me. Diego had messaged to tell me he was coming over today. Alex must have told him that he was staying with Cody for a few days. It wasn’t like Alex and I had split up or anything. We were adults and having some time apart while we worked out our differences.
