AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Alex had messaged me, too, and I read it over and over.
ALEX: I don’t want to fight about this, Nat. I’ll give us a few days and we can talk about it. You have to understand that this is destroying me! Never doubt my love for you. I’m giving us space for a few days in case either of us say something that we might regret. Who would have ever thought that I’d become the sensible one?
Our conversations were always heated when we had a discussion in the moment, but even though I was angry with him, Alex’s comment about being the sensible one made me laugh.
Finally managing to get showered and changed, I went downstairs to get something to eat from the kitchen. Mary had left me a few light bites in the fridge.
The mansion was eerily quiet. Fuck, I’d pushed everyone away. There was no one left! That was what this kind of heartache did to women like me. It ripped us from reality and dumped us in a dark abyss that we could see no way out of. I’d become so detached from the world I had once known. All I saw were the little lives I hadn’t been allowed to keep. The bitterness ate at me like a fungus, stripping away who I had once been. Lost was an understatement. I was fucking drowning in a pit of despair.
“You look like death!” Diego looked at me disapprovingly as he wandered into my bedroom. “Alex doesn’t look much better. I’ve just left him at Cody’s.”
“Is he okay? I know, like me, he’s not sleeping.”
“You two shouldn’t be apart. You need to face this together, Babycakes. It might be happening to your body, but Alex is feeling everything, too.”
“Diego, he took away my choice to try for another baby without even talking to me about it. Okay, he’s hurting the same as me, but that isn’t his choice to make!”
“Oh, and you wanting to try again isn't just as bad, when Alex can’t take it anymore?” Why was he on Alex’s side? “I’m not saying either of you are right, but you’ve got to come to a compromise at some point. Maybe take some time out from baby making for a little while. Concentrate on you and Alex. He fucking needs you, Nat!” Tears trickled down my face. I didn’t want to give up. Having Alex’s child was all that had clouded my mind this last year. Giving up on a dream when we’d been so close wasn’t easy. “Babycakes, this isn’t the end. It’s only letting it rest for a while so you can heal.” Diego lifted my face up to meet his. “You have to admit, you haven’t been yourself lately. We all miss you, Nat. Watching you suffocate this way by blaming yourself is hard for everyone! You need to break free at some point.”
“I’m not sure I have the strength anymore,” I muttered, looking down at my knotted fingers.
“You have an extremely sexy rock god husband that is willing to go to the gates of hell and drag you back up to the surface with him. Talk to Alex. Tell him your biggest fears, and be honest with how you’re feeling. You’d be surprised at how much he’ll understand.”
“I’m scared that if I let him in, he’ll see how weak I truly am and won’t love me anymore.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up! As if Alex would ever fall out of love with you! It’s time to put your big girl panties on and get your fucking life back!” Diego’s bitch brow glare made me smirk. “Oh, am I amusing you? Call your damn husband and sort this shit out! The stress isn’t good for my skin!”
A giggle erupted from my chest at his outburst, but I knew he was right. Grabbing my phone, I quickly texted Alex asking him to come back home. Alex and I couldn't carry on this way. We had to find a compromise somehow.
If anyone could get me out of this soul crushing despair, it was my rock star. I had to realise that everything he did was because he loved me.
Alex was standing in front of me within an hour. Diego patted him on the back after hugging me, leaving to give us some space.
Had it only been days since I’d seen him? Looking at him now, it felt like months. Even with dark circles around his eyes, Alex looked heartbreakingly beautiful. He stood motionless, watching me. He was probably afraid to speak first in case he said something wrong. Fuck, I’d done this. I had pushed my husband away to the point he couldn’t talk to me.
“Thanks for getting here so quickly,” I finally spoke, playing with the hem of my top.
“Baby, you know there’s no place I’d rather be. You call and I’ll always come running.” My treacherous tears failed me again. Closing my eyes, I basked in his words. “Nat,” Alex cooed, crossing the room in a flash, pulling me tight against him. “It’s okay, baby. Let it out, I’ve got you. I’ll always fucking catch you, okay?” Deep sobs erupted from my chest as I clung to Alex like he was my lifeline. “If you could only see yourself through my eyes, you’d realise I only fucking breathe for you. I fucking love you so much. If I could take this pain from you and carry the burden, I would! Watching you like this, it’s worse than any withdrawal or come down I’ve ever had. I’m spiralling out of control. The things I said the other day were out of fear. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry! You were right…I can’t take that choice from you without having a proper conversation first. I’ve been a total prick at a time when you needed me! Please forgive me?” No, I couldn’t have Alex thinking this was all his fault. It was time to be honest and explain what I was going through.
“Alex, you did nothing wrong. All you’ve tried to do is support me. I’ve been the one shutting you out.” I was muttering into his chest, too scared to look up at his pained, cool blue eyes. “I’ve been in such a dark place this last year, consumed with wanting to give you a child, and now I feel like such a failure.” The words burned in my throat as they came to the surface. Shit, it felt good to say them, though!
Lifting my eyes up to meet his, all I saw in Alex’s gaze was a tenderness that froze me in place. “Straight Lace, you are not a failure. I could never see you that way. The love I have for you, fuck…I struggle to even put it into song lyrics. No words feel powerful enough. I’d never even given children a thought until you came into my life. If a child isn’t in the cards for us—and I’m not saying it won’t happen—a childless life with you is still fulfilling to me. There is absolutely no pressure. I want to be wherever you are with or without a child.” Alex’s confession was making more tears trickle down my face. He wiped them away with his thumb. “You saved me from myself with your love, and I want to return the favour. I can be the strong one while you’re lost for a little while. You’ve taught me how to be strong. What you’ve been through this last year, I’m in awe of you. I’ll hold your hand every step of the way, and once I’ve got my girl fully back, we’ll try one last time. How about that for a compromise?” My heart soared! Alex was willing to try one more time! How could I not agree to that?
“I’ll find my way back to you, Alex,” I whispered, reaching up to stroke his face. Leaning into my gentle touch, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I love you too much to ever give up on us. You know that, right?”
“I do, baby. All I’m living for right now is waiting for that light to come back into your eyes.” Alex placed his hands on either side of my face. “Will you let me look after you for a little while? I could draw you a bath? Put some of your favourite bath salts in there?” That did sound like heaven. Letting Alex take control sounded like the right thing to do.
If anyone could put me back together again, it was my husband.
Chapter Twelve
We had a few weeks before Alex’s new album and book came out. In true Alex Harbour style, he whisked me away for a romantic retreat, deep in the San Gabriel Mountains. Our log cabin was spacious and beautiful, set in dark timber with a brick chimney. A wooden balcony wrapped around the entire building, with views that looked out across the forest.
With the place being so secluded, it meant security were staying at a smaller cabin down the road. Ben and Steve had drawn the short straw to keep an eye on us out here. Not that there was a lot for them to do. The place had no cell or internet signal at all, and I loved it. Having Alex completely to myself in front of an open fire for three days was pure bliss. We didn’t have to worry about the mansion while we were gone, either. Shane and Liv were looking after it for us.
It had been eight weeks since our last miscarriage and I’d been given the all clear from the doctor to try again if we chose to. I had gone back on the pill, though. Alex was right: I had to focus on myself for a while and make sure I was mentally okay. What kind of mother would I be in this state, anyway?
We’d had music playing in the background on our portable speakers while Alex read aloud from his advanced copy of his autobiography in the vast lounge area. My legs were resting over his lap, while he was sitting up on the sofa. He was on the early Steel Roses days. The book had floored me; not only was it beautifully written, but it was also so honest. Alex didn’t sugarcoat anything. Back then, he’d been an asshole. It was real, it was raw. His fans were going to love it!
