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“You are too fucking tempting,” Alex purred, pulling my leggings and panties away off of me in one swift motion. My whole body was on fire as he took a seat in front of me, pulling my sex toward his waiting mouth. Crying out, my hands found his hair. Shit, I could never get enough of feeling his tongue swirling around my clit before sucking it into his mouth. “I’m going to take this extremely slow, baby,” he groaned from between my legs. “I hope you’re comfortable.” I lost all sense of time in that moment. All I could feel was Alex worshipping me, taking me over and over with his tongue and hands. When I finally felt him enter me, I was so full of sensation that I almost climaxed again. His pace wasn’t hurried, either. Thrust after thrust, I was slowly losing my mind. All I could sense, and see was him. I closed my eyes, arching my back off the table as he slammed inside me harder. Yes! This was what I wanted. I needed Alex to claim me, fuck me until I couldn’t remember my own name.
“Ugh!” I moaned. My body was his, and I wanted Alex to take me over that ledge with him. “Fuck!” Alex slammed in hard, stilling inside me. “Don’t stop!” I pleaded.
“Mmm…I fucking love it when you beg.” Another hard slam in and out. I needed more.
“Alex, please! If you don’t fuck me, right now, I’m going to lose my shit!” It wasn’t a plea, it was a fucking order.
“Okay, baby. I’ve made you wait long enough,” Alex cooed, gripping my hips roughly. “Hold on.” His onslaught began as soon as his words ended. Over and over Alex thrust inside me, claiming me. I was glad of the clothes on my back, as they occasionally caught on the indents of the wood. Each thrust clipped that tiny coil inside me, which was burning, slowly releasing. My wetness should have been embarrassing, but not with Alex. It only pushed him harder, knowing how much I was enjoying this.
After a few more thrusts, I fell, crying out while holding onto him so I could ground myself. Alex lifted my hips a little higher, riding out my orgasm. He finally pumped inside me one last time, then stilled. My body relaxed as he slumped onto my chest. “I love you,” he murmured into the crook of my neck.
“I love you, too,” I breathed. We lay there for a short while in silence, as if our broken parts were slowly fitting back together. Healing…slowly, I was healing. I could feel it.
“I wonder if Matt has heard about my book release yet,” Alex mused, doing his trousers up while I pulled my leggings back on. Fuck, we hadn’t even had time to take our clothes fully off. Our need for each other had been that desperate. “I can’t wait to see the look on that fucker’s face.” I had to admit, I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that, too. “The press release will be out now, and that motherfucker won't be able to print his books fast enough to beat my release date.”
“You should send him a copy,” I snorted, taking a sip of juice that was on the far end of the table. When had he even moved our glasses and plates?
Alex snorted at me. “Great idea! I might even gift wrap it!”
“I’m not sure I ever want to leave this cabin.” I blushed as Alex gave me a small smile. “Having you all to myself…it’s a little addicting.”
“Watching that light slowly coming back into your eyes…” Alex placed his hand on the side of my face. “We can stay here as long as you want.”
“You have a new book and album to promote,” I sighed, putting my hand over his on my cheek.
“And? You think that has any hold over me? If this is what you need, Nat, to help you out of this darkness, we will stay as long as you need. The only thing, the only person that has any hold over me is you.” Tears trickled down my face. After the way I’d been shutting him out these last few months, I didn’t deserve him! “No tears, baby,” he soothed, wiping them away with his thumb. “I was worried that I couldn’t be the man you needed,” Alex admitted, gazing straight into my eyes. “You’ve always been the strong one out of us, Nat. I feared that I’d fucked up somehow. You were so closed off, I couldn’t see a way in…a way to get you back. I thought if we stopped trying, you’d get better in time. You’ve been so obsessed with wanting a child, it’s consumed you. Consumed us. I made that choice without thinking, and I’m sorry. Of course it’s your choice, too. All I ask is that we wait a while. Until you’re stronger. I get obsession, I really do. It’s not too unlike an addiction, actually—the need for it when it’s all you want—but I miss us being happy. I miss this light in your eyes. Let’s wait until you’re truly ready, okay?” I’d already agreed to waiting, but I understood what Alex was saying. I had to push this darkness away, focus on something else for a while, to allow the old me to surface again. “We will try again, baby. I promise. As many times as you want, but I need you well first.”
“This desire to have a child,” I began, talking so fast I could barely keep my thoughts straight. “It’s because I love you so much. Giving you a child is the greatest gift I can ever give you, and I hate my body for continuing to fail over and over again. It’s such a simple thing for so many women, yet for some unknown reason, mine won’t give me what I want. I’m in this darkness because I’m battling with myself. I want to scream at my body…why won’t it do this one simple thing that all female bodies are meant to do!? But it’s like it mocks me, silently laughing at me each time I lose another child of ours. I hate myself, Alex. For losing all those parts of us. I fucking hate myself!” Alex should hate me, too, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.
“You’re talking to the world's best self-loather, Straight Lace. When something is out of your control, it’s normal to hate yourself. This all happened inside your body, I understand that. We’ve tried to find out if it’s a medical issue. We’ve been to countless doctors to explore all the possibilities and found nothing wrong with you. And that hurts. I fucking get it! To have no answers when that’s all you want. Maybe the universe is punishing us. It might be punishing me for all the shit I’ve done, but what if all of this is about timing? What if it simply wasn’t time to have a child yet?”
“How can you have that much faith after all we’ve lost?” I could see it in his eyes. Alex truly believed that one day, we would conceive a child that we’d get to keep.
“Dum Spiro, Spero,” he whispered. His tattoo: while I breathe, I hope. “You came into my life when I needed you most. I had to wait for you, but when you did appear, I understood why it had to happen when it did. I was a fucking asshole, consumed with hatred, mostly toward myself. Then you walked in, turning my world upside down and making me actually like myself a little. If someone like you can love me, I can’t be that bad, right?”
“You’re amazing, Alex! I never saw anything bad inside you. Lost maybe, but never bad. Definitely egotistical, though.” That got a smile from him. “Even when you told me about Ness, I didn’t hate you. Alex, you were in love. Ness loved you the same way. It was a destructive love that killed her in the end, but love can make people do crazy things.”
“My feelings for her are nothing compared to what you mean to me, Nat. I’ve told you before, Ness was everything wrong for me, you are everything that is right.”
“I often wonder what would have happened if she’d still been alive when I walked into your life. Would you have even noticed me?”
“Oh, baby, I noticed. Those eyes aren’t easy to forget. I saw you once, you know, at a gig of mine years ago.” WHAT? And Alex was only telling me this now? “I wasn’t ever planning to tell you. It was the reason I was so feral when I first met you. It’s in my book, though. I felt you deserved the truth about how you took my breath away even then, in the minutes I spent gazing at you. I was going to read the part in my book to you later.”
“I don’t want to hear it from your book,” I panted. “When the hell did you see me? How do you know it was even me? There are millions of women that look like me!”
“It was the last gig in London. The night Ness took her life.” Oh fuck! I knew from Milly that it was a gig I had been to. Did he notice me from the tour bus that had driven past when Liv and I got stranded? I would have been so far away.
“You saw me after the show? I know Liv and I were waiting outside…”
“No, I saw you before the gig, when you and Liv were walking around the outside of the stadium. Trying to find our tour bus, I imagine. Did you ever find it?” Holy shit! How did he know? Alex had seen me, at the young age of eighteen!
“No, but Liv wanted to write how much she loved you on it.”
“Oh, and you didn’t?” he smirked, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Cody was my favourite that month,” I teased, letting him guide me to the sofa to explain. “Where the hell did you see me? I didn’t see you at all!”
“That’s the beauty of mirrored glass. It looks dark to you, but you have no idea who might be watching from the other side.” Was he trying to say that mere glass had stood between us at some point at that concert? “Ness and I had that huge argument the night before, and I needed some time to think before meeting the rest of the band. I sat on a staircase near the back of the stadium for around three hours. It was near the stage and cordoned off, so I knew I was safe. Shane knew where I was and wasn’t too far away. I’d made such a fucking mess of everything…Ness, Matt, the band. My whole fucking life if I’m honest. I begged the universe for a fucking sign, some light at the end of all this fucking disaster. That’s when I saw you. You were putting your hair back up, using the mirror of the two way glass I suspected.” My heart stopped in my chest. I remembered that exact moment. My hair band had come loose, and with no mirror to put it back up, the window had been my best option. “My feet moved of their own accord. I studied your face, the curve of your cheeks, the three small freckles on your chin, how full your lips were. I became mesmerised, watching the way your hair curled down your shoulders. Wondering why you bothered to put your hair up in the first place. You were breathtaking. When your eyes locked onto mine—a pure, loving, chocolate gaze—I could have sworn you could see me. It was impossible, but in that instant, I wished I could have been a man capable of loving a girl as sweet and beautiful as you. Liv called to you, and you smiled without looking at her. You were still adjusting the hair you’d put up. I wanted to place my hand on the glass, reach out to let you know I was there…that I was ready for you…but then you were gone. A ghost vanishing into the crowd. Once onstage, I looked into that front row, praying you’d be there. You weren’t. Then we got the news that Ness had overdosed. My mind was in so much turmoil that you slipped from it until that day in London. When I got closer, studying your face, the three freckles, your cheeks, those deep, hypnotising chocolate eyes, desire flooded me. Fuck, I wanted you so much, but you weren’t a fan anymore. It was clear you hated me, and I lost it. You remember it, don’t you?”
