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But I am.I’m justactuallysingle parenting, while Ben has had a partner almost since the day we separated.
Aaron made me see that.He’s made me seemyselfin a way I haven’t in so long.He makes me feel so special, like I’m the only one who can give him what he wants in a partner.
“And what is that?”I whisper to myself, the backs of my eyes beginning to sting.“A boring, grumpy, small-town single mom who can’t imagine leaving her family behind, even for Prince Charming and his magical stick?”
Even as the words leave my lips, however, I know they aren’t fair.
Yes, Aaron’s stick is magical, but not nearly as magical as his heart.
He’s truly a good man.And he loves me and cares so much about my baby that he was prepared to fight bad guys buck naked on Chase’s behalf, with only one good arm.
I’m sure most women in my situation would be pinching themselves, unable to believe their luck.Not only is Aaron a handsome, hardworking, kind guy who’s in touch with his feelings and not scared away by the thought of raising another man’s child, he’s also a celebrity.Or on the verge of being one.He’s an elite athlete about to make all his dreams come true and he’ll be a millionaire by the time he retires, even if he only plays for a few years.
I’m probably the only woman in the world who wishes she’d fallen for an electrician.Or an insurance salesman.Or the guy who coaches peewee hockey instead of a man who plays for the NHL.
I can’t leave my family or my home.Just thinking about it is enough to make my heart race.And even if I could make peace with raising my son hours away from his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, Ben would flip out if I said I wanted to move.
We’d have to work out an entirely new custody schedule, and I would likely have to go for longer stretches of time without seeing Chase.And that would kill me.I already feel like I’m missing out on so much.Every giggly video and grinning selfie Ben sends when he’s with Chase instead of me breaks my heart.I want to be there with my son for all the fun and adventures.I don’t want to miss out on half of his life because my husband decided he didn’t want me anymore.
“It isn’t fair,” I sob into the warm spray, letting the water wash away my tears.I’ll get all my immature, feeling-sorry-for-myself bullshit out now and leave the shower with my big girl panties on.
Iama big girl, after all.I know life isn’t fair and that people don’t always get what they deserve.And people make harder choices than this every day.
Twenty minutes later, I’ve pulled myself together.I change into my coziest flannel pajamas and extra thick socks that muffle my footsteps as I tiptoe past where Aaron is settled on the couch.
He isn’t asleep—his breath isn’t long or shallow enough—but I pretend he is and slip into the downstairs bedroom without saying good night.Then I lay down with Chase and pretend tomorrow will never come.
But it will, and when it does, I’ll have to tell Aaron this is over.
Whateverthisis.
It’s what you’ve always wanted.And what you can never have,I think, the back of my nose starting to sting again.
But I don’t let myself cry.I snuggle closer to my son, kiss his sweet head, and remind myself how lucky I am to have this precious baby.So many women struggle with infertility issues.They would be overjoyed to have a healthy, happy kid, even if they had to share him with their ex-husband and parent him alone.
Instead of dwelling on what I can’t have, I should be grateful for my sweet little buddy, amazing sisters and brothers, and supportive parents.
I try to be, I really do.
But when I fall asleep, I dream of a young girl locked away in an attic, poison pancakes, and a family story that ends in the ugliest kind of unsolved mystery…
Chapter 22
Aaron
My sleep is garbage and my dreams haunted by a pale girl in a white dress, who keeps telling me her “stepfather did it,” while pouring me tea and slapping my hand every time I reach for one of the pancakes on the table between us.
Thankfully, those dreams eventually give way to more enjoyable, sexy Melissa-based content.But the steam is soon replaced by dreams in which she breaks up with me again and again, and I wake certain that she’s going to ask me to leave.
Or that she and Chase are going to go back to her place, and I’ll be forced to stay in this house alone for the next two weeks.
I suppose I could ask Nora to come over.But I gave her so much shit when she claimed to have had a ghostly encounter at the local “haunted” hotel, she’d never let me hear the end of it if I confess, I don’t want to be alone in my haunted vacation home.
In my defense, I honestly thought there was no such thing as ghosts.
Now, I’m not so sure…
“Aaron?Are you awake?”a soft voice hisses from the end of the couch.
