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“Eat two bites of that burger and you can get out of here,” I said. He picked it up and did as he was told.
A couple of months ago, I explained to Colin the real truth about his mom as much as I could. Meeting Katie had really made him think a lot about moms and he’d started asking questions. She was so good with kids, maybe because she was a teacher, and Colin definitely picked up on that. I’d answered a lot of his questions, telling him that the woman who gave birth to him wasn’t ready to be a parent and that it wasn’t because of anything he did—he had done nothing wrong and it wasn’t his fault that she left.
But I knew that he felt like it was. He felt like he wasn’t a good enough kid and that was why she didn’t stay. It broke my heart. I often wondered if she didn’t think I would be a good dad and that’s why she dropped him off in foster care. I didn’t know what Colin went through during that first year of his life, and I hoped he never remembered a second of it.
I just wanted him to be safe and loved and happy, and I hoped he felt that way every day.
Colin was playing with his trains and I wanted to get a shower before I put him in the bath and then to bed.
I kept thinking about Katie’s brown eyes, the way she looked up at me with them swimming with tears when I broke it off. And why had I broken it off, anyway? Just because I was afraid of where things might go? Because I was afraid that I’d enjoy sleeping next to her each night, waking up with her in the morning?
Maybe I could have compromised, found some sort of middle ground instead of just breaking things off. It wasn’t like I was in love. That wasn’t possible for a guy like me. But we could have casually dated for a while. She didn’t say she was ready to get married or anything like that. She just wanted some reassurance, and I’d shot her down.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like her, I liked her a lot. She was a great girl. I just wasn’t the type of guy that did relationships. Though I definitely felt something for her that I’d never felt for anyone before.
I got out of the shower after the water ran cold and dried off, looking at myself in the mirror.
“You’re an idiot, Adam,” I mumbled to my image, and then dressed in a pair of sweats and a tank top before going in to Colin’s room.
“Hey, Dad, watch, the superhero is caught on the tracks by the villain!” Colin said, pointing at a Superman figurine he’d put on the train tracks.
I smiled. “Okay, bud, finish your story and then we have to go get a bath and get in bed.”
“Dad,” he whined, but I shook my head.
“It’s almost eight already, time for bed,” I said firmly.
Alice had her own private en suite at the house. She came and went as she pleased, stepping in if I needed to travel suddenly—which was a real possibility with my line of work—but I always handled dinner, baths, and bedtime when I was home.
I wanted that closeness with Colin, for him to know that I was his primary caretaker even though he had nannies that helped out. I guess I wanted him to have a female influence in his life, even if I didn’t want them to take over all of the day-to-day duties.
Colin finished up his story and finally walked to the bathroom, brushing his teeth while giving me the stink-eye.
“You know you can’t stay up late unless it’s a weekend. You’ve got preschool,” I told him.
“I don’t likepreschool,” he argued. “There are no cool kids or cool teachers like Katie.”
“Did she tell you she was a teacher?” I asked, surprised. Maybe he and Katie had gotten closer than I suspected.
He nodded. “Yep, she told me she takes care of lots and lots of kids, every day. Which is why I think she’d be a good mom. She likes to play and doesn’t just pretend like other people do.”
I looked at him for a moment before starting his bath. I threw in his rubber duckies and some of his boats so that he could play, and sat on the toilet, chatting with him as he bathed.
After letting him play for a while, I washed his hair, which he absolutely despised, terrified that soap would get in his eyes. Ithad happenedonetime when he was about three years old and he’d never forgotten it.
When I started to dry him off, Colin was already sleepy, yawning. I helped him with his pajamas and carried him to bed, tucking him in.
“You’ll be here when I wake up?” Colin asked.
“Probably, unless I get called into work early.”
Colin pouted. “If I had a mom, she would be here while you worked.”
“You have Alice,” I pointed out. “You love Alice.”
“Yeah, but she’s more like a grandma than a mom,” he whined, and I was grateful when he rolled over and closed his eyes.
I shut the door halfway and walked out into the hallway, sighing heavily. He was really stuck on Katie as a mom, and it made my heart ache. Was he missing out because I didn’t do relationships? WasImissing out?
