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But Ranch Rodeo was the competition I first met Walker, which feels all the more poetic. This is where it began. I’ll do new things, accomplish new goals, make new friends and relationships, but I’ll never replace Walker. This, tonight, is my memorial for him.
Since Brody is competing tonight, I take care of my own arrangements. Might as well get used to that. I pull my bull and give the management my music (while making a special request for Brody’s turn). Then I warm up and drink my water. Honestly, I don’t feel nervous. In fact, I’m buzzing with excitement. I’m not mourning tonight, I’m celebrating. Winnie’s in the crowd, sitting somewhere alone. Her event’s not until tomorrow afternoon, so she came with me, gave me a searing kiss for good luck, and then sauntered off to the stands. There’re video crews here tonight, some cable sports shows hoping to catch early glimpses of favorites, and I know my girlfriend is on that list. Which is why she’s wearing my old ball cap. Lying low so as not to be seen by anyone but me. I pick her out after a beat of looking, and she gives a piercing whistle before blowing a kiss and ducking her head again.
Brody goes first, and after easily hanging on for eight like the professional he is, he finds me and flips the middle-finger salute, laughing as he jumps the fence back to the waiting area. He’s gonna kill me later for the AC/DC, maybe even try to say I was hoping to throw him and give myself the advantage, but we both know I wouldn’t. The thing is, Walker was his brother first, and they’re the ones who shared the dream, in the end.
Brody should be the one to inherit Walker’s shitty intro song.
Two more riders go before my name is called, and when it is, the opening piano chords of “Don’t Stop Believin’” pulse over the speakers. I see Winnie’s head pop up. I doubt she sees mywink before I slip in my mouth guard, but later, she’ll see it on the footage and laugh. I still think ’80s rock is the worst, but I hate this song the least. And it makes me think of all the good things I have—the new, good memories I’m creating.
I straddle the bull, an oldie named Titanium, and reach for the clutch, wrapping my gloved fingers around it. The chute boss passes me my rope, and I work it tighter and tighter in my grip while the boss steadies me. Titanium is practically vibrating, and I have this uncontrollable urge to laugh. The lights, the sounds, the fifteen hundred pounds beneath me, the girl I love in the stands… it’s a fucking gift.
Walker’s laugh echoes in my head, shouting,Giddyup!
I nod at him in my mind, slapping my chest with my free hand. “Let’s ride, brother.”
And the chute opens on the rest of my life.
Thirty-TwoWINNIE
The August afternoon is blazing hot, and my brother releases a long-suffering breath, swiping his forehead.
“Tell me you’ll have air-conditioning, at least.”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll probably install a window unit in the bedroom if I need it. But I get a good breeze up on the hill like this. It’s not like I’ll be inside much during the day.”
“Even the trailer has air, Winnie,” Garrett says. It’s been two weeks since my dad gave me his “time to move on” speech, and as anticipated, my little sister has been a bit of a hard sell on the idea. Camilla and Case suggested bringing my siblings by to see the cabin firsthand so they could feel like they are active participants in the changes. It’s clear Garrett especially needed this. I told her I wasn’t moving in yet. I wanted to get her and Jesse’s opinions first. Camilla has worked out such a deal on rent for me, though, I’m not sure I could afford anything else.
“I’m getting you on-site, Winnie. You’re doing all of us a favor.”
“But if I’m traveling…”
“Then we won’t be any worse off than when no one lived here. Some is better than none. Besides, I’ve been talking to Junior about hiring some more help. With you touring and Case off to college, we’ll need hands.”
I pull out the key I got from Camilla and insert it into the lock.
“If I end up with this place,” I say over my shoulder, “I’ll give you both a spare key, just in case. Okay?”
Garrett’s small face is pale but determined. She’s working so hard to be grown-up about this whole thing, and her determination is enough to make me sob all over again. I won’t do this if she’s not okay. I refuse to abandon her, no matter what anyone else says. Yes, I know I’m not her mom. Yes, I realize I have to live my own life. Yes, I’m sure it says something about my own personal fucked-up psyche and abandonment issues.
I still won’t do it to her.
Stepping into the dim space, I leave the door open wide behind me as my steps echo over the wood-planked floor. I hold my arms aloft, spinning around. “Come on in and tell me what you think. Snoop around. I want your opinions.”
My brother and sister step in, pausing to automatically wipe their feet on the friendly mat at the door. Garrett’s expression is reserved, but I can practically hear her brain cataloging the details. The large, bright windows, letting in sunshine and blessing us all with the view of the rolling fields of CBM Ranch. The clean lines of the whitewashed paneled walls brightening up the cozy space. The small kitchen, complete with a compact butcher-block island, cozy wood-burning stove for the winter months, and a tiny windowed nook framed by three rustic chairs. The inviting living area, complete with a small sofaand end table. There’s a sweet-looking woven rug defining the space.
“The bedrooms and bath are through here.” I lead them down a short hall to the back of the cottage. “I was thinking I could make this one a guest room, since I don’t need an office space for the work I do. It would be a place for either of you, or maybe Jesse, and then Garrett can stay with me. If ever you wanted or needed…” I trail off.
Garrett slowly approaches the center of the room and takes it all in.
“There’s even a closet, so I could get a few things for you to keep here. That way you wouldn’t even have to pack. It could be like your second home.”
Garrett turns to me with a sharp inhale, her heart in her eyes and her lips pressed tightly together. I cross the room to fold her in my arms, and she erupts into loud, racking sobs. Jesse meets my gaze over her tiny shuddering shoulders, a worried shadow darkening his features.
“Garre! It’s okay. I don’t—” I swallow hard. Suddenly, I find the words are sticking in my throat, making this more difficult to get out than I’d anticipated. I hoped she might give it some time. I restart. “I don’thaveto move. None of this is fixed. I promised I would never leave you and—”
She pulls back, her eyes wide. “No! You have to go!”
“But—” I look to Jesse, and he shakes his head, just as confused.
