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“And trying to find dates after that, man …” Nick laughed ruefully, then sat up straighter. “What do you mean, that’s not what she said?”
“You told me Vicki said she wouldn’t make you live a life on the ocean.”
“Exactly. Same thing.”
Gavin shook his head. “Not at all.”
“Okay.” Nick put his bottle on the ground. “I know you love your word games, but could we not?”
“Let’s say you weren’t disabled,” Gavin persisted. “How would you feel about living on a boat?”
“Could be fun.”
“Bullshit. You’d hate every second of it.”
“I mean, if Vicki had asked me …”
Gavin pointed at him. “And that’s exactly what she meant. You like to be rooted, Nick. You pick a place and you make it yours. Your classroom, the bar, Vivez … hell, this house. My family. You invest yourself in places and people, and you take pride in being the guy people can count on to be there. It was never about Vicki letting you bring the walker on a boat. She knew she could make you commit to a life on the ocean, where you’d never get to be who you are.”
Nick blinked. “Huh.”
Gavin leaned back in his chair. “Funny thing happens when you’re actually treated normally,” he said. “Sometimes people hurt you for normal reasons.”
Nick nodded slowly, remembering his last conversation with Vicki. He could hear the emotion in her voice, the pain of having to hurt him.
“We’d been together for so long,” he said. “I just thought marriage was what happened next, like with you guys.”
“Let me tell you something about marrying your high school sweetheart,” Gavin said. “All those mistakes you make in your twenties, all that time figuring yourself out? You’re doing that together. Things actually get harder when you’re husband and wife.”
“Really?” Nick said. “I always thought …” He trailed off. “I guess I thought it’d be great not to have to worry about her leaving,” he said sheepishly. “Since you take vows and everything. Sounds stupid.”
Gavin smiled. “Hey, you know I was all about the vows.”
“How could I forget? If Mel had let you read what you wrote, the ceremony would’ve been six hours long.”
Gavin chuckled as he took a drink. “As great as it is hearing her promise not to leave, it might be even better when you realize you can’t leave either.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve considered it.”
“Not for a second. I’d marry her again today,” Gavin said. “Best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve never considered leaving because I’d never want to. But if she can’t leave, and I can’t leave, that means we’ve got to get through the hard stuff together. So sometimes you end up patrolling the front yard afterBreaking Badand thinking life would be easier if you didn’t have to be in your bathrobe in the dark.”
Nick laughed. “I wouldn’t have recommended the show if I knew she’d send you searching for drug dealers.”
“Sure you would’ve.” Gavin got quiet. “Sometimes it’s much worse than that.”
Nick stared at the darkening sky. He knew what Gavin meant, but he couldn’t say the words. Couldn’t say the babies’ names.
“You were right,” Gavin said. “We leaned on you a lot. We’d laugh with you, and then we’d go to bed, and she’d just sob. Nothing I could do. Doesn’t matter if a miscarriage is nobody’s fault. I wanted it to be mine just so she wouldn’t blame herself.”
The Beckett house had felt submerged in sadness back then. Nick felt tendrils of it returning now.
“You were never a burden,” he said softly. “It’s just that I had no one to come home to after.”
His friends had dealt with real pain. Hayley had dealt with real pain. They had chosen not to leave. All he had chosen was rage.
Nick said, “I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”
“I don’t know,” Gavin said with a smirk. “I’d have been disappointed if you hadn’t at least shoved him into that van.”
