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Not at Icarus, though. Not with Kevin. Not with Nick.
“Persistence comes so much easier to you than it does to me,” Mom said. “You press on. You work so hard at your job and your relationships, and you’d keep going even if it meant walking through a hurricane, if you thought it was the right thing to do. It never occurred to me that you would press on because you thought we wouldn’t be proud of you if you didn’t. We’ve always been proud of you, Hayley. Always.”
It was too much. Hayley was used to navigating conversations with Mom by picking a reaction she’d approve of, but now she was too overwhelmed to react at all.
“You always seemed so disappointed,” she said.
Mom reached out and took Hayley’s hand. “I wasn’t disappointed,” she said. “Not with you. When I pushed—really pushed—it wasn’t because I thought you’d make a mess of things or that you wouldn’t survive. I was worried that you’d get hurt or that you were already hurting, and I hated that I couldn’t change anything. It didn’t matter if I tried not to say anything, because you’d always see it. I’m capable of many things, but I’ve never been able to turn away when someone I love is hurting. Especially not you.”
Hayley looked at her mother. She’d studied her own face in the mirror countless times, trying to see how much had been passed down from this woman who always seemed so confident, never sensing the similarities she couldn’t see.
“Do you ever wish you could turn away?” she asked. “Not care?”
“Of course,” Mom said. “But I have a daughter who wouldn’t dare do such a thing. I get my courage from her.”
“Me?” Hayley could barely get the word out.
Mom nodded. “Everybody fails, Hayley. But it’s never been because you didn’t try hard enough. You’re not capable of that.”
It took a moment to really hear her, to understand and believe, and then Hayley was crying. “I always want too much,” she said. “I want too much, and then I’m the problem, and people get hurt.”
“A job you love and a man who loves you? You deserve atleastthat much.” Tears came to her mother’s eyes. “You’re worth that and so much more.”
Hayley wrapped her mother in a hug. She whispered, “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, sweet girl.”
Hayley heard her father clump back down the steps, and the two women took a hurried moment to dry their eyes.
“The thing is,” he said, “there’s no way to tell what’s clean and dirty up there, and I didn’t really want to try too hard.” He took in the sniffling Burke women. “I can get more milkshakes.”
“Not yet,” his wife said. “I was about to ask our daughter what makes her happy.”
45
Nick had never rung the Becketts’ doorbell in his life, so when he did, Mel opened the door with the same sort of guarded surprise she’d show a magazine salesman.
“Nicky.” Not altogether icy, but cool.
“You were right, Mel. I lost her.” He started to crumble. “I had her and I lost her.”
Before he could do anything to stop it, Nick was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Oh, Nicky.” Mel flew out the front door and wrapped him up.
“I’m sorry, Mel. I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” she said.
Nick took a seat at the kitchen table, and Mel brought him tissues.
“I would do anything for you guys,” he said. “And Rosie. I never want you to think—”
“You don’t need to prove it, Nicky,” she said. “I know you were upset.”
“That’s no excuse.”
“I’m telling you I don’t need one.”
