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“Every day, I would …” She sniffled, cleared her throat. “I’d stand in front of the bathroom mirror, and I’d go through every hour of the day and where my breaks would be and exactly how long I’d have to keep everything under control. I was drinking all the time and hanging onto Kevin like he was a life raft …” She sniffled again, forced herself to keep her head up. “But I kept dancing, and I kept smiling, and then I couldn’t dance or smile anymore. It was like the closer I got to that stage, the more my entire body would scream at me to stay away. So I tended the bar for the run of the next show. I could handle that most days.” She shook her head. “Do you know what it’s like to have your mind go a million miles an hour all the time? My body was exhausted, but my brain was justchurning, you know, and it was all I could do to make a mojito and hand it to a customer.”
He was next to her now, standing at the counter, their shoulders almost touching. “It scares me to not be in control,” he murmured. “My body fails me when I want it to do more, and my mind … it’d be easier if my mind could dolessand stop with all the second-guessing.”
She stared at the wet paper towel clenched in her hand. “Kevin got fucked over at Icarus because of me,” she whispered.“He’s brilliant on his own, but Cyd only wanted him with me, so when I broke down, she put him in the ensemble. The background. We’re here because of me, and he’s gone because of me, and you’ve gone through so much shit because of me.”
Nick’s fingers closed over her hand where it gripped the sink. Hayley wrapped him in her arms and held on tight.
“You don’t want me,” she whispered.
“I do,” he said. “I swear to God I do.”
She shook her head. “I’m using you, Nick. That’s not fair.”
“No, you’re not,” he said. “You’re leaning on me. Like I lean on you to get up those steps at karaoke.” She wasn’t convinced. “You’re done with Kevin, aren’t you?”
She nodded easily; Kevin was behind her now. Nick pulled back to look her in the eyes.
“I’ve tried so hard to be worthy of someone like you,” he said. “And then yesterday, when you really needed someone, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t have a plan or a charming story. I was just me.” He smiled. “And it turns out when I stop trying to be someone else, being there for you is easier than breathing. So as long as I’m not taking someone else’s job, you can lean on me all you want.”
Hayley had seen his showman’s grin at the bar and heard the easy laughter he shared with his friends. The smile Nick gave her now was different, tender. Her heart told her this smile was for her alone.
“Your heart is in your eyes again,” she said.
He said, “I sure hope so.”
29
“It’ll be great, I promise.” Nick checked his side mirror and changed lanes. “A birthday party means birthday cake.”
“I don’t know.” Hayley rummaged through her purse in the passenger seat. “I wouldn’t want strangers at my birthday party.”
“Mel’s thrilled,” he said. “And I know you trust Mel more than me.”
“Hey, do I finally get a demonstration?”
He glanced at her. “What?”
“How do you drive this thing?”
“Hand controls.” Nick nodded toward his right hand, which was gripping a spinner knob mounted to the steering wheel. “That lets me steer one-handed.”
“What about the gas and the brake?”
“See this handle over here?” It jutted out to the left of the wheel. “It’s connected to the pedals.”
Hayley was using the mirror on the sun visor to carefully apply pink lipstick. She caught him looking and winked.
God. Just knowing this woman was in the world made him feel better.
“So the handle moves the pedals,” she prompted.
“Yep,” he said. “If I push the handle toward the dashboard”—he showed her—“it moves the brake pedal. But if I release it”—he brought the handle back toward himself—“and then press it down toward my knee, like this, it hits the gas.”
“Is it harder to drive that way?”
He shrugged. “I learned this way.”
“Oh. Of course.” She looked out the window, embarrassed.
