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His compromise was to give her free rein of the kitchen as he stood nearby. “It’s good that everybody helps with everything,” she continued. “At Icarus, being stressed even starts to feel good, because you finally figure out how to do a dozen things without screwing up, and then Cyd says congratulations and addssomething else. You feel like you’re earning the work. So I go from dancing in a group to dancing by myself or with Kevin, and then dancing and choreographing, which is awesome. Plus I find out I’m really good at bartending.”
“Sounds like you’re more of a rock star than I am.”
“That’d depend on who you ask.”
“Nah,” he said. “You kick ass, and you know it.”
The excuses started running through her head, the lines she’d give to patrons, lines she told herself when she tried to be grounded and sensible.Thanks, I had a lot of fun. Thanks, but it’s really a team effort.And always in her head, but never out loud:Thanks, but you don’t know me.
She didn’t want to make excuses anymore.
“Yes.” She grinned. “I kick ass.”
Nick grinned back, reflecting her glow. “And what’s it like, having millions of adoring fans?” he asked.
She rolled her eyes at him, but she was still smiling. “Fans are good, but at Icarus most of them wanted something. Which is fine, I guess, except that’s all in addition to actually doing my job.”
“You couldn’t just tell them no?”
“Sure, but it never seemed to happen. I mean, nobody got my phone number. But I felt bad if I said no to a picture or a hug, let alone telling Cyd I couldn’t handle a dance number or needed a day off.”
“Icarus was doing all of this before you got there,” he pointed out. “They’d have to understand if you said you wanted a break.”
“It was complicated.” She wiped down the counter. “Everyone would bitch at the bar after work, but the job was our choice. If I wasn’t happy, I could always throw myself into the next show. Leaving would mean I couldn’t cut it. And then I’d have to hear ‘I told you so’ in a million ways from Mom.”
He nodded. “Not an option—I get it.”
“So at first I was just tired, but everybody was tired. Then I was tense, like I was always about to cry or kill somebody. But we all fought like a family, right, so there was always somebody I could blame for feeling shitty. No matter what happened the rest of the time, I could get on stage with my man and feel it all melt away for a couple shows a night. Then one Friday night I felt worse after the curtain call than I had at the opening number. I just stared at a wall backstage, thinking, ‘My God, I have to do all this again in an hour.’”
“I can’t imagine doing it all once,” Nick said. “That’s not a crip joke,” he added. “Just saying I don’t have the energy.”
“Honestly, I think you find what you need,” she said. “But it is crazy. We were never not tired. Just exhausted on a good day and destroyed on a bad one.”
“I’m guessing the bad days started coming more often?” he said gently.
She nodded. “I started carrying it with me, you know?” She tapped her chest. “Like everything that wasn’t okay was collecting right here. If I didn’t keep it under control, I couldn’t breathe.”
He stepped closer, eyes warm and on hers. “I’m sorry.”
She smiled weakly. “So we finish the late show one night, and Kevin heads to the bar, right? But I go home to work on some staging. Except I can’t find the notebook I’ve been using to put together the new show. And when Kevin comes home I’m curled up on our living room floor, just sobbing. I’ve gone through the entire house, and I can’t find that goddamn notebook anywhere, but Kevin can’t convince me to stop looking and go to bed. I fell asleep right there on the floor that night.”
“Did you talk to anybody about it?” he asked.
“Sure. Kev knew. And Denise.”
“And?”
Hayley sighed. “They said get some rest, but it didn’t work. There wasn’t much else to do. Time off meant no money, and it’s not like Kevin could’ve supported both of us.”
“Still, it seems like—”
“It wasn’t worth killing myself?” she snapped. “I should’ve gotten the hell out of there?”
Nick stood there in silence, and Hayley’s glare faded.
“People have been working at Icarus for a lot longer than I did.” She ran her hands through her hair, swept it off her shoulders. “They don’t need someone to hold their hand. They get through it.”
“Hayley,” he said softly.
