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Killian sighed and his jaw pulsed. There was something familiar about it and the way his eyes darkened that looked like shadows. Now that I knew the truth, I could see the traces of Riven in Killian’s form. It only made me angrier that I had fallen for his deceit.
“How much of the truth do you want?” His jade eyes were soft but determined as he faced me.
“All of it.”
Killian took a deep breath and started. “I didn’t tell you when we first struck our deal in Aralinth because I didn’t trust you. I didn’t even like you, though that had more to do with my faults than with yours.” He sat back down on the chair properly and leaned on his knees. I inched to the end of the bed, not wanting to miss a word of it.
“Everything changed after Silstra—it had been changing for weeks, but I couldn’t deny it then. You had riskedeverythingfor that mission and holding you in my arms, thinking you were dead was the worst day of my life. I felt like I had only just found you and that you had been taken from me. It felt like a taunt from fate, a punishment that I deserved. But then you lived.” His jade eyes were misted when he looked up at me.
I balled the sheets in my hands. “And then you chose not to tell me.”
“Maybe if I loved you less I would have.” Killian ran his hands through his hair and the crease between his brows deepened. “What I told you in the Singing Wood was true, Keera. I thought you were safer if you went into Aemon’s throne room not knowing the truth. Yes, I thought it was the best for the Elverin and the rebellion, but really I thought it was the best for you and that was all that mattered.” Killian let out a long breath. “I had no idea what my father was going to do. He had grown so paranoid in those last years and I was terrified he was going to hurt you or worse. I didn’t want youto carry the burden of all my secrets when you gave your report. You already had enough to hide.”
I swallowed, remembering that same fear. That day had been like a dance, swinging and blocking threats with my tongue. I had been hiding so many secrets, and Aemon and Damien had been hiding many too. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Killian was staging his own dance in the company of liars.
“But we had a whole night in that cave, and you didn’t breathe a word of it.”
Killian bowed his head. “Nikolai and Syrra advised me to tell you, but I thought I was right. I knew that your transition into theFaelinthwould be difficult because I had done it myself. I knew how watched you’d be in those first few days and I thought it would be easier to keep the secret from the rest of the Elverin if you didn’t know. By the time they had grown used to you, we knew we had—”
“A mole,” I finished for him. “Did you suspect me?”
“It crossed my mind,” Killian answered truthfully. “But no, the attacks were targeted against you. Still, I knew the mole had an interest in watching you. It didn’t seem prudent to tell you the truth. Then we went to the capital and everything changed.”
I gasped. “That was you. In the throne room, that day. You were the one who was there when Hildegard died.”
Killian paled and he nodded.
My chest heaved. “But you heard what Damien said about me. About Brenna. I looked at you and thought you were disgusted.”
“I was.” Killian sat up straight. “But not with you. With Damien. I had never imagined there was more to the story than what you told me about your scars. I was fighting the urge to transform right there and kill them both.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Killian scoffed. “What do you think the Mortals would have done if the king and the prince died the same day a Dark Fae was spotted in the throne room? There would have been an uprising we had no hope of controlling. Mortals would have killed Halflings in the streets while the lords decided who was best suited to the Crown.” Killian grabbed my hand. “I never wanted Hildegard to die.”
A quiet sob escaped my lips. I hadn’t wanted it either.
“I would have told you the moment you returned to Myrelinth, but you never left Gwyn’s side. And then you started to pull away. I thought I had done something, that you had decided that whatever had been happening between us was done. I was scared telling you the truth would make you despise me as much as I despise myself.”
“Why would I ever despise you? I only wish that you had told me without being forced.”
Killian cleared his throat. “Do you know why I hated you when you first came to theFaelinth?”
“I had disrupted your plans and I was arrogant.” I shrugged.
Killian laughed. “No, those would come to be some of the things I loved most about you.” His jade eyes hardened and his finger picked along the cuticle of his thumb. “I saw you in your cloak and fastener, brandishing your title, and I saw myself. The version of myself that stumbled into theFaelinthall those years ago. I had not come for some righteous reason. I came because I needed answers, because it was my only hope of surviving. All those years I had spent in the kingdom, knowing my mother was a Fae, I never questioned it. I never worried about the Halflings that lived in the palace or the ones that starved in the streets. I never cared to know what cruel things my father had done and continued to do to them. I just wanted my books and a full belly. I was a naïve, ignorant princewhose life was made possible from the pain and suffering of his own kin.” Killian’s lip curled back in disgust.
“So when you came, throwing your boots onto the table and demanding to help our cause, I thought your motives were the same. I thought you enjoyed your wine and royal spend account and didn’t care what it took for you to keep it.”
I bit my cheek. “I was an act I had to play.”
“I know that now.” He slumped back. “And you played it well. But you couldn’t hide yourself completely those days along the road. I saw glimpses of Keera underneath the Blade’s cloak. Then you pulled out that medallion in Caerth and I knew. The Rose Road is older than my rebellion. You had been fighting for the Halflings for twodecadesbefore the thought had even occurred to me. When I saw you for who you were, pained and trialed, butfighting, I couldn’t hate that. That was what I had been trying to be for so long.”
“But you did start fighting.”
“Eventually.” Killian sighed. “But it shames me to know how long it took. When I was Riven, the Elverin accepted me without qualms. Because I was Fae and because they didn’t know the truth. So when I decided to fight against my father, I knew I had to use everything at my disposal and that meant introducing Killian to the Elverin too.”
“They were cautious at first.” It wasn’t a question, I knew it well enough.
