AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Yes, but not for long. But that feeling of proving myself never disappeared, it only grew. The shame I had for living a half-truth, the guilt from knowing that while I might have a legacy to the Elverin, I had a legacy in their horrors too. I was convinced I wasn’t good enough for them and when you crashed through that window and into my life, I started to convince myself that I wasn’t good enoughfor you either. I made excuse after excuse, Keera. Until everyone I love most paid the price.”
“Yes, we did.” It wouldn’t ease his pain to decorate the truth in softness. A blade with roses on its sheath still cut just as deep.
“Does it ever get easier?” Killian’s gaze was desperate. “To live with the choices you made?”
I pressed my cheek to my knee, unsure of the answer. “Yes and no.” I sighed against the sheet. “Your regrets will mark you. Change you in ways you never imagined because now you know the truth of what you are. The lines you’re willing to cross, the people you’re willing to sacrifice when the scales weigh out against them. And those decisions can haunt you if you let them and then you’ll never be free.”
Killian’s chest broke and he nodded to his lap.
“But”—I reached out and lifted his chin—“you have some control over how they change you. You can learn this lesson once and never make the same mistake again. You can bring those you harmed some honor byfighting. Keep fighting to make the world better for having made that choice.”
“That still won’t bring Maehral back.”
“No, it won’t. But she lived most of her life praying to see the sun. If you have the power to bring a little more light into world she loved so much, you owe it to her to do so.”
A hoarse rasp escaped Killian’s throat. “I can try.”
“That is a brave thing to do.” My jaw hardened. I knew too well all the ways a secret could spoil. Enough to know I was done carrying them any longer. “I have lived in the darkness for too long. Burdened by my guilt and shame in ways not so different from you. But I meant what I said in Vellinth. I am done hiding behind my past and I am done keeping secrets. I will not keep yours, not after knowing what the cost may be.”
Killian swallowed. “I would never ask you to.”
“I have one more question.” I wrapped the sheet around my forearm, unable to look at him. “What should I call you?”
No name left his lips. He sat there, still as a statue as his jade eyes swam at the meaning of that question.
I stood from the bed and walked into the shower. Living a lie made it hard to parse out the person from the act. I left him to take all the time he needed.
CHAPTERFORTY-NINE
IWALKED OUT OF THE SHOWERand Killian was gone. The scent of parchment and fire smoke still hung in the air as I dressed myself in a simple long-sleeved tunic and pants. I found solace in the training grounds. I wrapped my wrists, wanting to punch something but instead I lay on the grass, staring up at the burnt streaks the setting suns had drawn across the sky. I heard soft footprints overhead and a black whirl somersaulted overtop of me.
Gwyn landed at my feet.
“Another trick Gerarda taught you?”
She shook her head and scratched the letterFthrough the air.
I smiled as best I could. “I’m glad you’ve made a friend. Even if she did try to sneak you onto that ship.” I raised a brow and was glad Gwyn had the grace to blush.
She plopped onto the grass beside me and pointed at the Myram with her chin. Her knees were tucked underneath and she swirled a long blade of grass between her fingers.
I leaned back onto the grass. There were so many emotions swirling inside me, I didn’t know what to feel first. But I knew if I didn’t do something soon I was going to explode. “You heard about Maerhal?”
Gwyn frowned and nodded.
Tears pricked my eyes. The guilt over what had happened in Silstra had hollowed me out so completely that I didn’t think there was anything of me left. I was just a shell, filled with useless rage about Riven’s lies and secrets. I wanted to scream until my voice tore to shreds and I could spend the rest of my days in silence.
I would just lay on the sand like the discarded shell I was and wait for the tide to wash me away.
Gwyn’s wide eyes tracked me as I rocked back and forth in the grass. I tried to find the words to explain it all to her, but she was just sixteen. Why should she be burdened by the woes of the world? By the terrible things I’d done. It was my job to keep her safe, not burden her with my regrets.
She pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Her red curls were not loose and bouncing as they always had been, but pulled straight into a tight bun at the back of her neck. Her fingertips were calloused from hours of sword work and there was a breadth across her shoulders that hadn’t been there before.
My stomach tightened. Gwyn was not a child in need of protection, she was no longer a child at all. Perhaps what she needed, what we both needed was for me to speak to her as I would my other friends. Let her know everything and come to her own conclusions.
Everyone else was too close to this for me to trust their answers. And Gwyn had been the one to come and find me.
I opened my mouth and words cascaded from my tongue like the thundering falls at Silstra. I told her everything. The alliance that I had struck months before, the bond between Riven and I that had only grown. The secret he had been keeping from me the entire time. Her eyes widened and blinked with every new piece of the story, but she never turned away. Not even when I told her what Damien had done. To Brenna and Maerhal both.
