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Riven barked a laugh and ducked under my arms before I could grip his waist. He pulled something out of a pouch sitting on the table and tossed it to me.
It was a small vial of clear liquid but it moved like thick sap from a tree. I held the glass up to the faelight by my shoulder and saw that it had tiny flecks of violet floating in the liquid.
“Rheih finally settled on a recipe she thinks will work.” He pulled the cap free from the vial and a long glass stem came out with it. “Three drops should be enough for a full night’s rest.”
I curved my hand around the vial and choked on my breath. “Thank you, Riv. I don’t know what else to say.”
Riven’s brows furrowed as his gaze fell on my wet eyes, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he took a deep breath and pointed to the bed. “You should sit down.”
Riven pulled the small chair from the corner and sat directly across from me, close enough that our knees were touching, but formal enough that I knew he wanted to talk.
My heart swelled looking at him, his shadows literally twisting into knots as he tried to find the words to say. He had let me live with my secrets for so long that I’d forgotten how it must have weighed on him, watching me struggle without knowing how to help. He kept so much of himself open to me, even while the darkness wrapped around his throat. It was selfish to not tell him what he needed to know.
He opened his mouth to start but I spoke first.
“Damien can access my dreams.” Riven froze mid-breath. I waited for him to blink or move, but he gave no sign of living at all. I tapped his shoulder. “Riven?”
His chest heaved at the feeble way I said his name. His eyes were violet storms, swirling just like the shadows along the ceiling. “What do you mean?” He said every word slowly, like he was fighting the urge to throw something across the room, or take the nearest portal to Koratha.
I straightened my back. “That day in the throne room. When Killian and I were captured?”
“I remember.” Riven’s jaw clamped shut.
“Damien injected something into my arm before he ordered his new Arsenal to take me to the dungeons.” I took a deep breath. “I didn’t know until a few days later because I barely slept in all the chaos. But when I finally did, Damien was there. Waiting for me.”
“In your dream?” Riven’s hands turned to fists along his knees.
I nodded. “He could talk to me as we are now, but he could also show me things. He could change the dream to be whatever he wanted, just like Feron did when he projected those memories into our mind.” The truth rammed against the dam that I had been keeping it behind. I could feel it cracking inside me with every breath until my breaths became sobs.
Riven dropped to the floor and grabbed both of my hands. Thick tears fell onto his skin but he didn’t care.
“He showed me what he had done to the Shades. The way he tortured them. The way he had hung them to collect their blood until they died. I know now that they were only fantasies, that most of it wasn’t true, but …” I leaned my head against his shoulder needing to catch my breath.
“But with the reports of the island being deserted you had every reason to believe him.”
I wiped my nose on my sleeve and nodded. “Some nights he replayed Hildegard’s death over and over again until I screamed for him to kill me.” My chin trembled as I let all the truth spill out of me. “He made me kill Brenna over and over again. Just like the first time, but worse.”
“Diizra. I had no idea.” Riven lifted his hand to my cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I looked down at my lap, twisting my fingers underneath Riven’s hands. “I didn’t know what else Damien could see. I didn’t know if he could access my mind outside of the dreams or if he could access my thoughts while I was in his nightmares. I was worried that if I tried to tell anyone, it would somehow endanger us more.”
Something like a growl came out of Riven’s chest.
“At first I thought the connection was like Feron’s mindwalking, that he could only show me memories and he was the one in control. But I don’t think it happened the way he intended. When I collapsed after we escaped the Order, I had another dream. But it was different than the others. I don’t think he expected it to happen.” I took a much-needed breath. “And obviously he wasn’t showing me true memories at all, just whatever he could to hurt me. But I had no idea until we found the Shades alive.”
Riven’s fists shook on my knees, but his shadows caressed my arms. “He probably had experimented on dozens of Halflings before he injected his twisted magic into you.” Riven spat out his words like they were ash in his mouth. “He didn’t know about your gifts. I doubt he ever considered how the injection might differ in the blood of a magic wielder.”
My stomach hardened to think how many people had gone through the same terrors night after night not knowing it was Damien who was feeding them, just to appease his vile pleasures.
I wiped my eyes. “I barely lasted a fortnight before it became too much. I was so tired and I knew I couldn’t keep seeing those memories, those scenes again and again each night …”
“That’s why you started drinking.” Riven’s voice was rough and jagged, but his touch was gentle against my cheek. “To stop yourself from dreaming?” Riven’s eyes fell on Feron’s ring and understanding settled on his face.
I nodded. “I wish I could say that this elixir will be enough for me to stop.” My hand shook and a thick tear fell onto my lap. “But I don’t know if I can. The cravings are just as bad as they were before. Worse. It’s all I think about, even with the elixirs you gave me.” I wiped my nose. “Sometimes I wonder if Damien designed it that way on purpose. If he knew what I would do if he made me desperate enough.”
Riven pressed his forehead against mine. His hand found its way to the back of my neck and I eased into the caress of his thumb behind my ear. I felt hollowed out with the truth no longer buried inside of me, but I was lighter too.
“Syrra and I can help if you want.” Riven pulled back just far enough to look directly in my eyes. “If you want to stop, there are methods that can help. They aren’t easy, but I suspect they would be easier than whatever you did before.”
