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She practically had hold of his lapels.
Or at least her hands were close to doing that very thing.
Only all she got in response was him, putting down his glass.
So he could take those hands in his.
And try to soothe her.
Even after everything, all he wanted to do was soothe her.
“Right. But I did that because itisthe most important thing to me,” he said.
Patiently, gently—like this was a thing that would ease her mind, too.
Despite how absolutely wild it was. Could he not see how wild it was?
“Oh my god. Oh my god, how are you saying this so matter-of-factly?”
“I don’t know. Probably because it is one. A matter of fact, I mean.”
“Maybe to you. To me it’s like someone opened the Ark of the fricking Covenant right in my flabbergasted face. I swear to god, my eyeballs are about ten seconds from melting out of their sockets.”
“Well, I’ve no idea why. I mean, I only wrote what you must already have some idea about. Because if you didn’t, if youweren’t bothered by the thought of me loving you and wanting more from you, why on earth did you run away?”
She took a second then. She had to, because she felt pretty sure her heart had just stopped. It simply ran to a standstill on the wordsbotheredandbyandme loving you, and then couldn’t seem to get going again. She almost smacked herself in the chest, the phantom sensation was that intense.
And it didn’t get any better once it faded.
Because now it was clear that she hadn’t just fucked up.
He had, too. Of course he had, too. Somehow, he had, too.
So now she was the one who had to explain.
“Alfie, I ran away because I thought that things were really seriously going down a path thatyoudidn’t want. That you were just knee-jerking into it all and I was making you somehow and any second you were going to be disgusted,” she said. Then wondered if his sudden expression was the one she had felt on her face on reading those passages. Like he had just found a door at the back of a wardrobe, and had the terrifying but incredible feeling that there was fuckingNarniaon the other side.
Though like her, he tried to fight it. He tried to fight it really, really badly.
“That’s not possible,” he said. “I was so bad at covering it up. You must have suspected, at least.”
“I didn’t, though.”
“Even though I told you in about twenty different ways.”
“But you weren’t specific. You didn’t spell anything out. And Alfie, you have to know by now that I’m the sort of person who needs things spelled out.”
“But I said all that about how lovely you are.”
He raised an eyebrow then.
Like he thought he was onto something now.
Even though he completely fucking wasn’t.
“That just meant that you were being nice.”
“Nice. Is that what you told yourself?” He shook his head. “Phew, your self sure is gullible.”
