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Trouble that was about to get worse.
Because judging by the sounds outside, the car was there. And now she had to go get in it, while pretending getting in it meant nothing at all.
The SunNewspaper,March 27, 2022
ALFRED THE GREAT AT IT AGAIN
Alfie Harding got himself into yet another explosive fight outside an East End pub on Tuesday night after what appears to be a stern exchange of words with paparazzi.
Harding allegedly threw the first punch in reaction to a series of insults aimed at the new woman in his life. The woman, who wasn’t present, had to date been unidentified. But Harding was heard yelling “How dare you say Mabel Willicker is too fat to be dating me,” clearing up the short-lived mystery.
Willicker, 33, is a freelance writer and reportedly a lifestyle guru. When we contacted her agent for comment, we were told “Oh my god, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Friends appeared similarly mystified by this development, though secrecy around Harding’s love life has been the standard throughout his illustrious career.
This made it all the more surprising when bystanders reported that Harding had also bellowed “She is my true love,” after delivering a thorough headbutting to a man who had claimed otherwise.
“He was like a wild animal,” one anonymous pub patron noted.
Police have released a statement, suggesting no charges have been filed about the incident, and they consider the matter closed.
TwelveI Know, I Can’t Believe He Doesn’t Like Sausages, Either
She did her best to look more normal when she next opened her front door.
Or at least, normal enough that ten thousand people wouldn’t screamIs she wearing fuckingMy Little Ponypajamasat her for five hours, as they had upon seeing the last shots the gaggle of paparazzi/influencers/god only knew what else outside had taken. But the problem was: nothing could ever be normal enough now. She stepped out in something she felt looked nice—a green swing dress covered in little folksy animals paired with red low-heeled shoes that looked like old-fashioned telephones—and what felt like everybody on Instagram and Twitter wanted to know if she’d intended to look like a Christmas tree.
Immediately, like they were all across the street watching her every move. She had to somehow walk to the car while glued to the screen, just so she could correct anything else she did that seemed weird.
Only it wasn’t really possible to correct the rest of what they were talking about.
Alfie must have gone mad, a lot of them seemed to agree.
But even the ones that didn’t were kind of unnerving to her. Many were a dab hand in grudging or backhanded compliments, like:She’s cute as a button I can’t believe she’s thirty-three I thought she was twenty-five.And:Those shoes are so cool they really distract from her chunky ankles.And though she could dismiss a lot of it as Alfie’s stans, who she already knew got mad and passive-aggressive about anyone he dated, though she could compartmentalize andpush stuff to the back burner in her head, there was some stuff she couldn’t.
Some stuff she wasn’t even sure she wanted to shove aside.
The truly kind stuff that had her all mixed up within seconds of reading it.I’m so glad someone like us has scored a major hottie, one said.She deserves, another person had tweeted.Yessssss my new cute curvy overlord rule over him with a benevolent hand, a third had said, while doing a whole dance on TikTok about it.
And it was cool. It was good. She’d never felt so buoyed in her life.
But at the same time, it was something else. Something that made her feel like she could never live up to whatever they were saying. She didn’t know how to be that person they were imagining. Heck, shewasn’tthat person they were imagining.
She was good enough for them to believe she was dating a very famous, very beloved ex-footballer. But she wasn’t actually doing it. It was all just nonsense. It was made-up stuff that was making her all hot and prickly and excited and terrified at the same time.
So she decided:
Her best bet was just to turn off her phone.
And then maybe pretend she didn’t have one.
Alfie has the right idea, she found herself thinking. Then immediately took it back before he could see her and guess that she had ever thought for even one second that he was correct about a single flipping thing. No, she wanted him to only know that he was quite possibly the most ridiculous person alive.
Especially when she got to the car.
And he got out. And tried tofightthe fewpaparazzi that were still trailing after her.
Again. “You leave her alone, you dirty great fuckface,” he yelled as he launched himself at the one who almost had hold of her arm. She actually had to put her hands on his chest to get him to calm down. She had to touch him, even though she absolutely didn’t want to. But even more shocking:
Somehow, against all odds, itworked.
