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“I have no idea what that even means.”
“It means how the flip do you have afax machine?”
“Because I’ve had it so long it’s technically classified as an antique. That fella offRoadshowtold me it was worth fifteen grand. What do you think I’m going to do, piss money down the lav? Fuck no, I kept hold of it. And look, I was right to. Because now I know that the interwebs thinks I find you repellent and am suddenly incapable of kissing in an exciting way.”
He thrust the papers at her on the last word.
She didn’t take them, however.
Mainly because a) she knew what they said.
And b) what the fucking fuck, he had a fax machine worth fifteen grand?
“I honestly cannot tell what part of that is a joke and what part is real,” she said.
“I wishnoneof this was fucking real. It’s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Yesterday I almost murdered a man for ogling you. One of my only friends thinks me getting a rollicking online is hilarious. And this morning that Henry Samuel whatever the fuck from Harchester sent me fuckingflowers.Don’tlisten to people saying you’re a terrible kisser, I’m sure you’re great, the card said.”
She did her very best not to laugh.
God, it was hard going, though.
Her face actually ached from the strain.
“Yeah, just to be clear he probably really meant it,” she admitted.“The first conversation we ever had, he used the wordanyhoot. With aTon the end. And he keeps sending me emails that say things likeHang in there, I know you two crazy kids can make it, reckon I’m going to wear a blue tuxedo to your wedding.”
“A blue fucking tuxedo. To ourwedding.”
“Apparently, he believes in true love.”
“Thereisno true love. A fact that I proved by kissing you so poorly that someone called LivingInsideAlfieHardingsUnderpants said they had known all along that I could never feel anything for a woman with a bum like yours. So now I have to go murder someone for a) looking at your bum, b) disparaging my taste in bums, and c) apparently having a house right next to my cock without me knowing it.”
Okay, now she did laugh. And she suspected that he almost did, too, when he saw her trying to hide it. His face wavered, and he had to fight to maintain his six-foot-deep frown.
“Stop it, Mabel, this isn’t funny.”
“You look like you think it is.”
“Yeah, but I’m trying not to. Because seriously, what are we gonna do?”
She sat down on the arm of her couch before she answered.
Mostly because what she had to say wasn’t going to be easy.
It made her stomach churn like whoa just thinking about it. In fact, for a moment she considered going with something else, instead. Something likeLet’s just forget all this, it’s bonkers, it’s never going to work, and we’re both going to end up doing completely humiliating things. But he just seemed so agitated about it, and so determined, and her brain automatically went to those little lasses outside with banners, and in the end she couldn’t.
She had to go with a solution instead.
“It’s obvious what we’re going to do. Next time you kiss me, you will do your level best not to look like you’re being repulsed by a massive hideous monster,” she said. Much to his utter fuming disgust. He actually made a snarling noise about it.
“What have I said to you about repeating what they say like it’s true?”
“That I should do it even more to really annoy you.”
“You know full well that wasn’t it, you little liar.”
“I do. But if I lie we don’t have to get into this.”
She got an even more annoyed noise for that.
