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“And I’ve always been curious about choking.”
“I’m leaving right now.”
She cackled at my faux discomfort—not so faux, if I was being honest. “I see what true love looks like. I have a front row seat for it. I can’t settle for less than that.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“And I don’t need to. I’m surrounded by love. I know it’s not the same as the romantic kind, but I know I’m loved and cared for. My life is so full, I’m actually a little afraid of adding someone who would change this whole dynamic.” She squeezed my hand and gazed at me. “I feel like as long as I have you all in my life, I’m fine.”
I understood where she was coming from. My life was way brighter with Izzie and my coming boy. But despite my many demons, I was already a happy man.
I owed that to the person holding my hand, her brother, and her family. Even thinking about going on into my future without either of them made it hard to breathe. It was a paralyzing thought.
She shifted her body so she could face me and leaned back on the column of the porch, placing one foot on the top step and the other on the next one, bending up her knees. “I consider all that even when you all piss me off.”
I mirrored her stance to look at her. “What are you talking about? All we bring you is joy.” Her scoffing made me realize she wasn’t joking. “Seriously, what are you talking about?”
She was quiet for a while, and it was my turn to give her the time to organize her thoughts before speaking. It wasn’t easy.
“I don’t think you and Zach realize that. Sometimes you treat me like I’m not as part of the Company as you are. You undermine my suggestions, you try to leave me behind to do fewer on-field activities, leaving me with menial tasks, as if I couldn’t handle them or you don’t trust me enough to accomplish them.”
Her normally witted eyes were downcast, and I felt terrible. Had we really been this unfair?
“You act like I’m a little girl who needs to be handed everything, otherwise she won’t know what to do. It annoys me, because I was never that girl to begin with. I know you wanna protect me, but I don’t need your protection. I’m trained and professional. I know what I’m doing, as I’ve been doing it for quite some time, way before we started working together.” She shook her head. “I’m an equal, damn it.”
I didn’t remember seeing her so disappointed. Only a few minutes ago, I’d listed a few of her many accomplishments. Over the years we decided to work together, she was fundamental in closing more cases than any of us—Zach, Danny, and me—combined.
Yet we still managed to be idiots.
I wracked my brain, trying to think of something to say. “I’m sorry.” And I meant it. “I’m the last person who should make you feel like that. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I’m not just saying it.” I added when she started to refute my statement. “I owe you my whole life. From the moment we met until now, you did nothing but save my sorry ass. I’ll do better. I promise. I’ll rein in my assholeness and treat you with the respect and trust you deserve.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “I can’t believe I’ve been such a jerk. To you of all people.”
After a few moments, she stretched one of her legs, poked my foot with hers, and gave me a small smile. “You’re okay sometimes. I should’ve told you that already, it’s just not easy. I need to talk to Zach. But we’re doing well, you know. We all have such great chemistry, I don’t wanna jeopardize that by creating a ruse or an uncomfortable situation. I’m afraid Zach will refute me, and that will hurt. I think I’m cowardly trying to avoid the disappointment.” Her tone was self-deprecating.
“You should talk to him. If he refuses to accept, make him see it your way. You’re just as much a part of this Company as the two of us, even more so, since you were the one to come up with the idea and you’re always solving our issues. We’re complete jerks by making you feel like you should choose between making a stand or maintaining peace. I say you go for it and say your piece. He’s the one who should deal with it, not you.”
We stayed in silence for a few minutes, while she thought about what I said. I wasn’t done.
“I think this is your fault.”
“How do you figure?” Her eyes snapped at me.
“You spoiled us.”
“What?” She snorted in confusion.
“I know Zach is always trying to put out fire cans. But you’re the one who’s always making sure everything is running smoothly, everyone is taken care of. You’re the one who started feeding me when we were kids. Then you fought off Michael. You hired Haley when she had zero experience and a crying baby. You opened your house to them, even though we knew nothing about her. You offered Danny a job when he was trying to get back to civilian life. You made me see my errors in the way I was treating Izzie and helped me get her back. Yet you never ask for help.”
“Wouldn’t all that make you realize I’m capable?”
“You’d think so. But I guess we’re so used to you running around fixing our mistakes without complaint that we stopped considering you expect things from us. You know, like respect and stuff.”
“And that’s my fault?”
“Pretty much, yes.” I smirked at her.
“Why, thank you for enlightening me. I had no idea I was supposed to request your respect after cleaning up your messes. Duly noted.” Her sarcasm was right on point.
She sighed, as if feeling all the weight we inadvertently put on her shoulders, and once again I felt awful. “I’ll talk to him.” It was clear she was dreading that conversation. Not because Zach would mistreat her. He adored her. But that was a confrontation she wasn’t comfortable initiating. In all the years we’d known each other, I never saw them having so much as an argument. They disagreed here and there, but it was always easy-solving and soon forgotten.
