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"No. I don't write anything sappy either. Just that I haven't forgotten him. I feel I owe it to him to remember him. I couldn't give him what he wanted. I was determined not to come out. My father was demanding, tyrannical. His behavior drove my mother away. I wasn't about to complicate my life by being in a relationship with another guy. I got on the baseball team and my father finally showed me some approval. I knew I couldn't keep his good opinion for long, but I wasn't going to throw it away either. So I acted like I didn't even know Kyle. I froze him out. I never told anyone about him. I just wanted to forget anything happened between us. Kyle said I wanted to erase him." Now Derrick took a long pause. He had trouble getting out the rest. "And then... I had just gone away to college when I heard he died. He'd wrecked his brother's car while he was drunk."
Tentatively, Malcolm asked, "Do you think he did it on purpose?"
"I don't know. But I turned my back on Kyle back then, so I feel I owe him something, some kind of acknowledgment that he wasimportant to me, even if I didn't show it at the time. So every Valentine's Day, I make sure to keep his memory alive."
"Were you in love with him?" Malcolm wondered as they walked slowly.
"I don't really know. I've always been very closed off emotionally. Even if I was in love, I'm not sure if I would know it or be able to recognize the feeling." Derrick smiled bitterly. "I haven't changed much."
Malcolm wanted to disagree with him but Derrick stopped and turned toward the office building. "So, how's Paula doing? I miss having her in the office," he said signaling that the previous subject of conversation was closed.
"She's good," Malcolm said. "She likes Mrs. Saddler. They do old lady things together."
As they walked back to the office in silence, Derrick seemed to be deep in thought. Malcolm was too. He couldn't stop thinking about what Derrick had said about Kyle. Was he in love with him or was it only guilt that kept Kyle in his thoughts?
Malcolm was grateful that Derrick had shared this with him. At the same time, he questioned if it was a sign that Derrick was opening up to him or a warning not to expect anything from him.
Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Malcolm noticed that Derrick was watching him. He could feel the heat of his gaze. They had reached the office building, and now they stopped and Derrick turned to face him.
"Better get back to work, I guess," Malcolm said as Derrick stepped closer.
"Don't let me rush you," he said.
Malcolm was trying to ignore the way his body was reacting to Derrick standing so that they were almost touching. He was so close now that his nearness made Malcolm want to lean into him, feel him, forget that Derrick ever made him feel anything but this desperate need for him.
Chapter 17
Malcolm was about ready to head home from the office when he heard Derrick clear his throat behind him. "I don't mean to keep you, but have you seen this?" Derrick asked, holding out his phone for Malcolm to look at.
Malcolm leaned in to look, expecting something that had to do with business, so he was confused to find himself watching a video of an ice skating performance. "It's an ice ballet show. I thought maybe Paula would be interested," Derrick said.
"Ice ballet? Isn't that just figure skating?" Malcolm said. He was feeling flustered because Derrick was standing close and that made his heart speed up. He needed to push aside those kinds of feelings, but it wasn't easy when Derrick was within touching distance. "I'm pretty sure Paula would like it."
"There's a show tomorrow night," Derrick said.
"Oh, I wish I knew about it before. It might be too late to get tickets," Malcolm said, feeling bad for Paula as he started to look up the information on the show.
Derrick handed him two tickets. "It's sold out but I already got these. They're for you and Paula."
Malcolm blinked at him. "That's really nice of you. I'm sure she'll love it."
Derrick smiled cautiously. "I just thought it might be something fun for the two of you to do together." He started to turn away and Malcolm bit his lip.
"So did you only get two tickets?" Malcolm asked.
"How many do you need?" Derrick said, turning back. "I'll get however many you want." For a sold out show? Malcolm wasn't completely surprised.
"Just one more for you unless you don't want to go see some ice ballet with us," Malcolm said and then held his breath waiting for Derrick's answer.
He got his answer even before Derrick said anything. He smiled then said quietly, "I'd love to see some ice ballet with you and Paula."
Now Malcolm was the one smiling, but he didn't let himself act like a fool. He didn't know what this meant. And hadn't he sworn off Derrick? So much for that. "I better go pick up Paula. She's going to be thrilled when I tell her," he said and rushed off.
Paula was thrilled to be going to see some ice ballet. On the night of the show, Malcolm wasn't exactly calm either. After how long it took him to pick what he was going to wear and then get his hair just right, there was no question that Malcolm was making too big a deal out of this. It wasn't a date. He and his boss were just taking Paula to see some figure skating by another name.
Now Malcolm was trying not to pace as both he and Paula were ready too early and waiting for Derrick to come by. "Is he here yet?" Paula asked when she saw Malcolm checking his phone. He had told her that Derrick would text when he arrived.
"Not yet, but soon," he said, smiling at her. Then he did get a text and Derrick was at the door a few minutes later.
