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Because I needed to see if her skin felt as smooth as I remembered. I needed to hear her laugh and feel her nuzzle into my palm like she used to. For fucks sake. This is why I’ve stayed away. I have no willpower when it comes to her and I don’t want her to hurt because of me. I couldn’t take it.
A sharp shooting pain radiates from the inside of my chest out and I clutch my jeans to stop myself from clutching at the spot of pain. I grimace and turn away from their view, not wanting the kids or Phoebe to see me in pain. I don’t want them to be worried or scared. This happens every time I’m stressed. It’s probably an anxiety attack or something. I focus on my breathing. This always calms the pain down. Grabbing for myphone, I pretend I’m on a call.Inhale for four, hold, and out for four.A couple of those and the pain subsides.
My vision’s a little spotty, but I’m able to focus enough to put a frown on my face and head over to them knowing I’m about to annoy the fuck out of all of them.
“Lauren called. There’s an emergency at the restaurant. I have to go. Will you watch the kids for me? They’ve already told me how much they hate being there.” I look anywhere but at the three sets of eyes staring up at me. I don’t want to see their upset and frustrations.
“Sure. But I don’t have their things.” Phoebe’s voice is tight and her annoyance is abundant with every word.
“I’ll drop their things at Mum’s on my way. Thanks, Pheebs.” I notice the slight flinch when I use her nickname, and I want to gouge my own eyes out for making her feel bad, but I can’t help it. She’ll always be Pheebs to me. I turn around and head toward the exit but stop when Scarlet calls my name. I sigh loudly and fix a frown back on my face as I turn to her. “What, Scarlet?”
“You’re just leaving? After everything we said yesterday. You’re choosing the restaurant over us? Over her?” The pain in her voice is clear as day and I can’t take it. I drop to my knees and hug her. I hate that she loves me. That she wants me to be a part of her life. Love just means pain. No matter what happens, no matter how hard we love, it always ends in pain.
“I have to, Scarlet. I’m sorry. I love you more than anything and I’m sorry if you don’t believe that. All three of you. There’s just some things I can’t explain to you yet. You’re too young. I’m sorry. Don’t hate me. Actually, do. It’ll make life easier if you did.”
Confusion swirls in her eyes and then, as if something registers in her brain, she reaches up and hugs me. Her arms wrap around me and cling to me. I hold back a sob as she whispers in my ear, “I will never stop loving you. Nothing youdo will change that.” She lets go, smiles, and walks back to the sandpit as I wipe tears away from my eyes and walk in the direction of the car, not knowing where I’m going, but just knowing I can’t stay here.
I wake panting for breath, a cold sweat covering my body. The clock on my sideboard says it’s 3:40 a.m. The same time every night.
I pound my fist down on the mattress and run my hands through my soaking wet hair. I’m done with these fucking nightmares. The same time, the same style, and always the same reaction. It’s a joke. I’ve tried every herbal remedy going and nothing works. I refuse to take sleeping pills in case anyone needs me in the middle of night and I’m too whacked out to know.
So, besides knocking myself out, the only thing I can do is analyse the fuck out of them and see if I can figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I close my eyes and relive the terror again.
Scarlet’s dressed in a black suit, her long hair in a french braid. She’s carrying a red rose in her hand and she looks so sad. DJ approaches her and mirrors her stance in his own black suit. The sorrow oozes off them, and I hate it. I want to see them happy and smiling. Not miserable and crying. I try to shout out to them, make a joke or something, but they can’t hear me.
Instead Lola stands next to them and places a hand on each of their shoulders. I can’t see what they’re looking at. Their backs are to me. My mum walks to them as well, but she’s being aided by Ivy. She looks frail and broken. Like she did after mydad died, but worse this time. She stifles a sob and Ivy helps to keep her upright. Fuck this.
I try to fight my way to them, to help support them with whatever this shitshow is they’re dealing with, but my feet won’t move. I can’t get to them. They need me and I can’t help them. My dad’s words echo in my brain, ‘look after my girls,’ and I can’t help them.
His voice gets louder and louder and then I see her. Pheebs. Slumped in a chair, sitting next to a man I’ve never seen before. He’s holding her hand, comforting her. She’s crying. He wraps an arm around her and kisses her head. It’s wrong. It’s all wrong. That should be me. It should be me.
I should be holding Mum up, helping Lola and Ivy. I could make the kids smile again. It should be me comforting Pheebs and giving her kisses, she's mine. ‘Look after my girls,’ booms in my head and I can’t focus on anything, his voice echoing a thousand times until everyone disappears and I can finally see what they were looking at. What caused the pain and sadness. What broke my mum worse than before.
I just need to be closer. Slowly inching forward and then…
I wake up. Every fucking time, I wake up. I never get to see what was causing them the pain. Instead, I’m left over thinking, sweating and tired.
I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I’ll never fall back to sleep now. This is my new normal and one I’d gladly swap for anything else.
CHAPTER SIX
Phoebe
“So he just left?” Lola frowns at me and I nod.
“Yep. He left. He dropped their stuff at your mum’s and hasn’t bothered to reach out at all. Scarlet was really quiet the whole time she was with me. I think she was more disappointed than she told me though, so maybe keep an eye on her or have a little talk. You two are so close she’ll probably tell you about it all anyway.”
I’m catching up with my bestie while the kids are at school and Dan is at work. One of the joys of being self employed means you make your own hours and I can spend a few of those with Lola right now.
“I honestly don’t understand him. It’s like he wants us around him, he loves us, right?” I nod again because I don’t doubt for a second that Freddie loves his family. “But then it’s like he can’t be with us too much because the more he is, the more he wants. But what's wrong with wanting and having more? I don’t get it, Bebe. You and he were on the perfect path to fulfilling my romance loving heart's dream. My best friendmarrying my brother and officially becoming my sister. Who wouldn’t want that?”
“Apparently your brother, the unwilling groom.” I joke but I’m met with a tut of disapproval. “I don’t know, Lo. Maybe he just isn’t that into me. Maybe all the flirting and sparks from before have died out and he actually enjoys being a Frowny Faced Grump whose life revolves around the restaurant.”
“No. That’s not my Freddie Bear.” She shakes her head adamantly and her words drip in defiance. “Something happened when dad died, and that stupid promise he made has skewed his vision as to what’s important in life. Hang on. What did he say? He had to distance himself from you? Of course!” She slaps the dining room table with her palm, stands up abruptly, and leaves the room.
Instead of being concerned by this type of behaviour, I simply roll my eyes, grin, take a sip of my tea, and wait for her to come barreling back in.
Within a few seconds, she emerges with a notebook and pen and sits back down opposite me. I’ve known this girl far too long to question any of her weird quirks. “We’re having a dinner party. You, me, Dan, Ivy and whatever her newest beau is called, and Freddie Bear. Mum will watch the kids. We’re going to get Mr. Frowny Face drunk. I’m talking so drunk he can’t see straight. He’ll end up blurting all his feelings out for you. And once he does, there’ll be no turning back.”
