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“Nothing’s going on, Pheebs. Scarlet’s just being her usual annoying self.”
“Hey. I am not. You’re the one who’s being annoying. I’m a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, thank you very much.” She smirks and he scoffs.
“Oh, really? Who told you that?” He laughs and she giggles a little too.
“My mum, so there,” she retorts and sticks her tongue out.
“Pfft, your mums a liar. I grew up with her, I should know,” he volleys back to her.
She gasps in shock but then laughs straight after. “You’re in so much trouble when I tell her you said that. And I’m telling Grandma too. You know she thinks I’m a ray of sunshine.” She bats her lashes again and smiles angelically.
I’ve got a little whiplash from their verbal sparring, but also a happy heart. Because this is like having the old Freddie back again.
“I’m not scared of your mum. I reckon I can take her. And Grandma. Just give me a day or two to work out first, though. Grandma swings those rolling pins around like they’re nothing. She’s got guns of steel under those long sleeves she wears.”
Scarlet laughs so hard she snorts, which makes me laugh, and DJ, hearing our joy, comes over to ask what we’re laughing about.
“Come on, DJ,” Scarlet giggles as she holds her hand out to her brother. “I’ll take you to the sand and explain why Uncle Frowny Face is scared of Grandma’s guns.”
As they stroll hand in hand to the sandpit, we hear DJ exclaim, “Gwandma has guns? Has she shooted anyone?”
“You’re going to be in so much trouble when he asks Carol about her guns, Fred.” I turn my head to find him watching me. His eyes fixed on me like he’s seeing me for the first time. It makes me nervous and shy, which is stupid seeing as I’ve known him for nearly my whole life. I brush a loose strand of hair behind my ear and fiddle with the cuff on my cardigan.
He reaches over and grabs my hand to stop me. “Why are you nervous? You always fidget when you’re nervous.”
He’s still holding my hand and I know he’ll be able to feel my pulse as it quickens, so I don’t even consider lying. “You make me nervous.”
“How? You’ve known me forever. How can I make you nervous?” he asks, tracing little circles on my palm, his touch igniting me.
“I knew you, then. But now I never know what version of you I’m going to get,” I whisper, breaking our gaze and lowering my head. He lets go of my hand and I want to kick myself for spoiling whatever this was. But just as I’m mentally scolding myself, I feel his gentle touch under my chin. His thumb pushes slightly and I bring my gaze up to meet his.
“I'm still the same Freddie. Sometimes I forget that as well. I’m sorry… for being distant. It was never through choice or lack of wanting to be near you. More of a survival thing.” He moves his hand to gently cup my cheek and I instinctively nuzzle into his palm.
“You needed to avoid me to survive? Survive what?” I shouldn’t be asking this, as I’m not sure I want to know the answer, but I listen anyway.
“Another heartbreak. I couldn’t be near you, feeling the way I was, and not be able to take strength from you. To have you help me and guide me.” His eyes shine with unshed tears and I want nothing more than to kiss them away.
“But I was offering all of that and more.”
He interrupts me again, his words shocking and confusing me. “It wouldn’t have been fair.”
“Why?” I ask, a little more forcefully this time.
“Because I couldn’t give you what you needed. What you deserved. I couldn’t be the person I was anymore, which meant I couldn’t have what I wanted either. So I had to distance myself from you. So I didn’t end up taking everything from you and not giving anything back.” He drops his hand from my face and tries to take a step away from me, but I grab his arm and force him to stay where he is.
“What do you mean? I don’t understand. I would’ve given you the world without expecting anything back. All I wanted was you.” I say the words I wished I’d said so many times before and search his eyes for recognition of the truth, that he hears what I need him to.
Pain and regret flood his face and I drop his arm and step away from him. His truth hits me like a slap to the face. “I couldn’t give you me. I’d already promised myself to looking after my mum and sisters. I was at max capacity and couldn’t give anymore. I don’t want to. I won’t leave behind what my dad did.” He stands straight and snaps his shoulders back, his eyes shielded and closed off from me, and I know he’s reverted back to arsehole Freddie.
“And what was that, Fred? A loving legacy. A wife who adored him. Kids who idolised him. If you think your dad would be happy with what you’ve turned his legacy into, you're deluded. He’d want to see you happy. In love. Starting a family. Not chained to a promise and a restaurant that even he didn’t care that much about.”
I turn on my heels and head toward the sand pit. I can’t be around this version of him. The one who feels like he has to look after everyone when in fact the person who needs the most help is himself.
CHAPTER FIVE
Freddie
Iwatch her leave and know I’ve pissed her off. What was I thinking, touching her and telling her how I felt about her. What would it achieve? Nothing. That’s what. She’s pissed, I’m pissed, Scarlet’s going to be pissed, and all because I wanted more.
