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“What do you see?”
He opened his eyes, blinking a few times. “You.”
“That’s good,” I said, continuing to move my thumb over his palm. “Do you want to talk to Dr. Tupp?”
He nodded. I handed him the phone.
“Do you want me to leave?”
He looked unsure for a moment but finally nodded. I left him there and went to my room so I couldn’t hear their privateconversation. I knew that Taylor had some kind of regular appointment somewhere. I had never asked what it was for. All along it was therapy. I wish his parents had never come. If Taylor wanted me to know about his therapy, he would eventually have told me. If I were forced to be so vulnerable in front of someone, I wouldn’t know how to handle it.
I decided I wasn’t going to push him to share anything with me. I would let him know he could be open with me, but I wanted him to tell me on his own schedule. I was mid preparing a speech when I heard a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I said and got up from my bed.
Taylor opened the door and stood at the threshold, not moving any closer. “We should take some photos to send to my grandfather.”
“What? Oh. Because of what I said. Yeah, we can do that sometime, it might be fun.”
“Good.” He looked at me for a moment. “I’ll talk to you later?” He turned and shut the door.
All the words I had planned to say died in my throat as I was left alone.
Chapter 11
Taylor
I struggled to get out of bed every morning for the next week. I still pushed myself to get up and managed to by focusing on my guilt at abandoning my responsibilities. I was on autopilot when I went to work. I did everything I was supposed to, but it didn’t feel like I was the one doing it; it was like I was at a distance, floating, watching my body work. I came home and made dinner, then went to bed again. I didn’t feel up to exercising or anything else. Mrs. Tupp told me I was very likely spiraling into a depressive episode but hearing those words didn’t pull me out of it. I had felt a weight on myself nearly my whole life. Only recently had I felt it get lifted further and further until it only bothered me sometimes. Now it was like it had been shoved back down on my shoulders and its weight was all I could feel.
Lydia made it better. During our nightly dinners she had plenty of time and reason to, but never asked what happened between me and my parents, between me and my mother. When they had visited, I had no idea what I was going to do, my brain stopped. But without having to even ask me what was wrong, she seemed to know what I needed and how best to keep my mother away from me. Lydia didn’t even let her get close enough to touch me. I would never be able to repay her for that. But I could tell she was worried about me, but after my illness, I promised that I didn’t want to do that to her again. I tried to get myself in the mood to give her the affection I know she craved. At the gardens I had wanted it too, but now I lacked the spark that drove me to take her there.
A few days after the incident, I pushed her against our countertops and kissed her hard and fast. She wanted this and I wanted to get it done quickly. I crashed into her lips and sheseemed to be into it too. At least I thought, until she tapped my wrist. I stopped immediately. She gently put a hand on my chest and pushed me back slightly. She smiled, but it wasn’t her usual bright one, it was twisted with concern. “Maybe we should try this later?” I felt shame deep inside. She could tell I couldn’t be what she wanted like this.
***
I tossed and turned. Since my old prescription didn’t seem to be working anymore, Mrs. Tupp and I discussed different options. I was started on a different antidepressant and it fixed my constant drowsiness but replaced it with insomnia. I was going to have to try something else. But that wouldn’t help me now. I knew it would be better to stay in bed and keep trying, or at least rest my eyes. But I threw my covers off anyway and started wandering around like I was some kind of specter in my own home. I wanted to keep moving.
I paced around in the dark hallways in near silence, the creak of older floorboards and my feet against the floor being the only sounds. My head snapped up when a door creaked open and footsteps padded over to me. It was hard to make out anything in the low light, but I could see the shape of Lydia slowly reach over and tap my wrist.
“Can’t sleep?” She didn’t move closer, just rubbed circles into my palm.
“I’m sorry for waking you.”
“No, I couldn’t sleep either,” she murmured.
“Any sleep remedies to share?” I asked. I always thought I could learn to handle anything, but I was slowly learning that Lydia seemed to know everything and could help me when I couldn’t.
“When I was younger, and I couldn’t sleep, all I wanted was to not be alone,” she said calmly. “Do you think that would help?”
I swallowed the lump building in my throat. “I think it might.”
I took hold of her hand and led her to my room. We both got into bed and laid on our sides facing each other.
“Do you want me to get closer? To touch you?” She asked.
I shook my head no. “Not yet.” I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t know if I would ever be.
“If you need me, I’ll be right over here.” She didn’t turn away, simply closed her eyes. That seemed like a great idea, I closed my eyes as well and felt my exhaustion finally take over.
