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The next morning, she had stolen some of the blankets in her sleep, but she respected my space otherwise. After that, she asked me each night if I wanted her to come to bed with me. I almost always said yes. She was right. Even though I still couldn’t bring myself to touch her, knowing she was there calmed me. Like she would stop anything that could hurt me.
***
Days weren’t all bad, it was just hard to enjoy what was good. I knew Lydia was wanting me to get out of the house a bit more than I was. I only left for work and groceries.
“Today,” she said one Saturday over the quick oatmeal I had cooked that morning. “We should do that photoshoot.”
“Today?”
“Yeah. I actually have some suits ready that I want to model, and all my models won’t be in today. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d look great in our suits.”
I wanted to pay Lydia back for everything she’d done for me. “Let’s do it.” But I was also a little interested. I loved hearing Lydia talk about her work, even before I knew how deep myfeelings for her really were. She always got more confident, surer of herself when she talked about her work or went on about designers. It gave her a certain look in her eye that seemed to make her even more attractive.
We went to her offices after breakfast. They had the whole floor reserved in one of the skyscrapers in the main city. Besides us, there was one of her designers holed away in a room working on sewing something last minute. We basically had the whole place to ourselves.
“It’s usually much busier than this,” she said, smoothing out a jacket collar a mannequin had pinned to it. “During the two fashion weeks you will never see me.”
“I’ll just have to visit.” I looked at the designs pinned to the wall and notes after notes written out next to each.
“Here.” She surprised me by shoving an outfit into my arms. “Be incredibly careful with that.”
“You trust me with this?” I wasn’t sure I did.
“You won’t rip it. It won’t fit you exactly, I’ll have to pin it to see if it works. Don’t worry.”
“Where do I change?”
“We have a little curtain over there, for those who get shy. But most of the guys change in the middle of the room, you learn to get over that kind of thing.”
“When in Rome.” I began changing right there. I saw her eyes light up as I slipped my shirt up and over my head exposing the chest and stomach I had been working on. I knew I was having trouble being intimate, but perhaps letting her see was a good compromise. When I slipped my pants off, I could tell she was hiding her obvious want behind a professional face.
I carefully put on her suit. It was a light pastel blue with a raised pattern that swept throughout the fabric.
“Is it okay if I get closer to put some pins in it?” She asked.
“Do what you need to.” If I needed her to stop, I knew she would listen to me.
I felt her touch ghost over my clothes. It wasn’t direct contact so I could handle it. But as she moved up and down my legs, bringing the fabric closer and closer to my legs, I felt the spark I’d been missing flare a little. I wished I could feel this way more.
She finally stood to admire her work, her eyes admiring me as well.
“Take a look.” She gestured to a floor length mirror. I moved in front of it and looked at her work. I still didn’t know much about fashion, but I knew the way she pinned it was fantastic. I had been wearing ill-fitting clothes for so long, that looking at the suit now, I could tell it was fit for me. It was still a little tight in the arms, which made me suspicious since everything else was so perfect.
“You’re wonderful at what you do,” I said honestly.
“And you look good.” She said moving to stand next to me.
“What’s this suit for?” I asked.
“It’s a side project I’m working on. Now stand still, I’m going to take some photos.”
She spent a few moments directing me in different poses as her camera snapped. I wasn’t a professional, but I stood still and followed directions as best I could.
She got closer to me, seemingly taking headshots. I turned and used my hand to pull the camera down slowly then tilted her head forward. Her eyes went wide for a moment but then she set her camera down. I wanted to chase the good feeling while I still had it. Before my thoughts could ruin it.
Lifting my hand, I cupped her cheek. I kissed her, soft and quick at first. Then I went deeper. My mind went blank, but it wasn’t like when I couldn’t focus. It was like my mind was finally calm for the first time in weeks. Each time I kissed Lydia I felt akind of peace. Each time I tried to since my parents showed up, I was worried I’d taint that peace. Dropping my had, I put my hands on her waist and drew her closer, but I wanted more. I slipped my hands under her shirt and pressed my fingertips into her warm skin. She responded by rubbing a leg against my calf. I felt my desire stir at the movement. She always kissed like she wanted to get closer, to get so close we would meld into each other.
“I don’t want to get caught again,” she said breathily against my jaw when we parted to breathe.
