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“This time I won’t open the door. For anyone.”
I got changed as quickly and carefully as I could. Even if I was worried that I’d run out of steam, I didn’t want to ruin her work. In the elevator down she kept her arms wrapped around my arm, like she was afraid I’d run off.
The car ride was interesting as I had to keep my eyes on the road while she kept teasing her fingertips over my arms and drawing swirls that made goosebumps break on my skin.
We got in the house and I locked the door. This time I wasn’t going to let anything distract us. I wanted to scoop her into my arms and carry her to our room. It was going to be our room now. But I let her take my hand and run-pull me up the steps. She looked excited and ready.
We got in the bedroom and locked the door. I was about to slip my shirt off once again but her hands on my arms stopped me.
“Let me.” She took the edge of the shirt and pulled it slowly over my head, revealing myself to her once again. She ran her hands over my pecs and over my shoulders.
“You like what you see?” I smirked.
“I should have gotten you to model for me sooner.” She peered up at me.
It was her turn. I helped her take off her top. I didn’t think about it often, but she had a wonderful chest. I moved to kiss her again, cupping her right breast in my hand. She let out a deep sigh as I teased the delicate skin, and I pulled a gasp from her as my fingers slid under her bra to brush against her nipple.
“Get it off.” I didn’t need much more than that. I reached around to unclasp her bra letting her breasts fall out against my chest as she pulled me in for a quick deep kiss. While our tongues met, her hands wandered down to my waist and began unbuckling my belt. I heard the zipper creep down and then she was hooking her fingers in the waistband beginning to pull them down.
“Lydia.” She immediately broke the kiss and moved her hands away. She backed up, worry clear in her eyes.
“I can’t.” She could hear my voice shake. I felt tears spring to my eyes. I hadn’t cried in years. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I stumbled back to the bed and leaned against it. I shoved my hands in my face and let the tears leak out my screwed shut eyes and drip between my fingers. Lydia was going to see I wasn’t what she wanted now.
“Taylor.” I felt the bed dip as she sat down. I peeked from behind my hands to see her wearing my shirt and close enough to reach out, but far away enough that I didn’t have to touch her if I didn’t want to.
“I’m sorry Lydia I can’t. This is all wrong.”
“What’s wrong?” She asked, her voice too understanding, she should have left as soon as I broke down.
“I’m using you Lydia. I am using you.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I paid you to be in this relationship. I just wanted to use your need for investors to get what I want. This relationship is built on that. I am using you. I am just like her.”
“Just like who?” She asked, calmly, like she knew already.
“I’m just like my mother.” Saying it out loud what I had been thinking for weeks gave me some kind of horrible relief. It felt true hearing it said out loud. I had been justifying my actions for weeks, but it had to be true. I used Lydia. I lived in fear for years that I would become just like her. I didn’t want a partner if I was going to be just like her. I didn’t want kids if I was going to become a monster like her.
“You don’t have to tell me,” She said, her voice small. “But I don’t think you are like her. I don’t think that at all.”
“No.” I let out a breath. “I want to tell you.”
“Only if you think it would help you.” Why hadn’t she left yet? Would she leave after she learned the truth?
Chapter 12
Lydia
He paced around the room a few times before he finally sat back down on the bed. He kept rubbing his hands over his face, like he was trying to wipe away his emotions.
"I don't want you to force yourself," I said. I didn't want him to feel like he had to tell me. So much of himself had been revealed to me without his choice. I was worried he felt like he owed me an explanation. He didn't. "I will understand Taylor if you can't tell me."
"What if I said I wanted to tell you?" He asked, his voice sounding hoarse.
I swallowed. "Then, take your time." I looked at his hands itching at his face. "Do you think if I took your hands, it would help?"
He nodded. I took both of his hands in mine and sat so we were facing each other on his bed. The light was low in the room because the curtains were drawn and we were so excited before, we hadn't turned any lights on. It made the space feel unreal, like we were in our own universe.
