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Two of his roommates were in the kitchen. Both paused, frowning at me. I held up a hand. “He went to his room?”
One narrowed his eyes at me, a spoon held in front of his mouth. The other one nodded, grunting. “A reminder that we’ve got practice at three, hmmm?”
“Right,” I muttered, shuffling past them and turning the corner, going to the far end. His door was closed, but I opened it.
“What the fuck do you mean I broke your heart?” Cris was glowering, looking all murderous as he’d been waiting for me to show up.
I stepped in, closed the door, and said the reminder, “You have practice at three.”
“What?” he barked, then glanced at the clock. “Shit.” He pulled his phone out.
“What are you doing?”
“Setting an alarm in case we fuck.”
My eyebrows went up. “I thought we were about to fight.”
He cast me a look.
I closed my mouth. Right. Fighting might lead to fucking.
When he was done, he tossed his phone on top of his laundry basket where a blanket was folded up. “Christmas song? Broke your heart? I don’t understand that. Oh, and what else did that asshole say? That you fucked him so you’d forget about me? What the fuck, Maren? Start talking.”
Right.
I took a breath, ignored the pain that sliced through my chest, and started. “We started hooking up around Halloween.”
“Yeah. So?”
I couldn’t look at him when I was going to say all of this, so I went past him, sat on his bed, and turned so I was facing the wall. He shifted around to watch my back, but I could feel his restlessness. He was like a caged tiger that was hungry and got his first scent of food. His energy was assaulting, but I ignored that too. “We just hooked up. It was fun. New. Easy.”
“Already knowing all of this shit, Maren.”
“We had sex on Thanksgiving. You remember that too?”
He quieted, but said, “Yeah. You and Mackenzie stayed. The four of us had our own Thanksgiving dinner that night at the dorms.” He blew out a ragged breath. “We fucked that night.” An abrupt laugh came next. “We fucked like four times that night.”
“Yeah.” I closed my eyes, my chest stinging. The pain was fresh as I was reliving it all over again. “I fell in love with you on Christmas Eve.”
I heard nothing behind me.
I kept going, some numbness starting to seep in, thankfully. “The next day, you were my Christmas song. It’s what I listen to, that makes me happy. I usually have one during the holidays because I love Christmas, but it can be a song during any time of the year. You were my Christmas song. You were supposed to make me happy. I wanted to keep you. Forever. I wanted you to tell me you loved me too, and the four of us would be friends forever. Ryan and Mac are endgame, but I wanted you and me to be endgame too.”
“Maren,” he said so quietly.
My heart shattered all over again because how had he not known? Truly? I hardened myself and stood, looking at him. His face was closed down, but I saw the regret in his eyes. That said everything. I shook my head. “Don’t. It’s not even anything surprising. Friends with benefits. I knew the deal. I broke the deal. That’s on me. Me.” Nope. The numbness was sliding away and the pain returned. It was sweltering this time around. I almost pitched forward, just to ease some of it away, as if I could stand in a different position, it would help in some way. That was also foolish, like I’d been back then. “Starting basketball player, as a freshman too.” I whistled. “You were the dream, Chavez.”
His eyes flared at the use of his last name.
I cocked my head to the side. “You’re tall. You’re hot. You’re amazing in bed. And you liked fucking me. I thought we were on the fast track to falling in love, until I was so wrong. I saw you at a party and I remember the date, because it was like the universe was laughing at me. Valentine’s Day. How stupid of me.”
He closed his eyes slowly, his head falling back a little. “You told me you were going home that weekend.”
Now was where the pain really amped up, feeling like razors were being sliced down my insides, slowly, to draw out the torture. “I did. I drove back. Mac said you were at the Phi Beta party since you guys won that night. I went to find you.”
We both fell silent because we both knew what I would’ve seen that night.
He swore, hanging his head. “You never told me. We never had the exclusive talk.”
