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Prologue
It’s too quiet. For days now, an eerie silence has settled in my house as hospice arrived to do what they could to ease my mom’s pain as she slipped away from me second by second. I knew this day was coming from the first time my parents sat me down and broke the news that she’d been diagnosed with terminal cancer. But knowing something’s coming doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to handle.
The shrill clang of the doorbell breaks the silence, and I rush to the door before she can press it again. There’s only one person I’ve invited over since my mom’s diagnosis. Only one person who I trust to be here, to see the only vulnerability I have.
When I open the door, Alayna—or Laney as I’ve started calling her since no one else does and I wanted a nickname that was just mine—stands there with a bundle of fresh flowers and her backpack strapped to her back. We were paired together on a project last year in junior English and instantly clicked. Despite coming from two different crowds, I kept talking to her after that project, and now that we’re nearing the end of our senior year, I can say without a doubt she’s my best friend.
“Hey, I thought your mom might like some fresh flowers to brighten up her room, and these sunflowers looked so happy,” she says, her deep-blue eyes shining with kindness. Her honey-blonde hair sways around her shoulders in the light breeze.
It takes me a second to realize the stretch of my lips is a small smile—probably the first one I’ve had since the last time Laney and I hung out. She’s the only one who can get me to smile anymore. I’m afraid of the day when not even she will be able to get that reaction from me.
Dread pools in my stomach because I know that day is getting close and I’m nowhere near ready. Is anyone ever ready to lose a parent? Especially the one who has always understood them?
“She’ll love them,” I say, my voice rough. I step aside and let Laney in.
“How’s she doing today?” she asks in a soft voice. Can she pick up on how my whole house has turned into a tomb as we wait for cancer to finally steal my mom from us?
I clear my throat again, the words scraping out. “Not well. Every day she gets a little worse.”
Her soft hand slides into mine and squeezes, offering me comfort she knows words can’t provide. We walk silently up the stairs toward my mom’s room, my hand still holding hers tight. Each step closer always makes my stomach clench because I never know what I’m going to find.
But when I turn the corner to the hallway that leads to my mom’s room, I halt in my tracks and my stomach twists sharply.
What the fuck?
I pull my hand from Laney’s and curl it into a fist, hatred ripping through me until I swear literal smoke is coming out of my ears.
In front of the closed door leading to my mom’s room stands my dad and her nurse—kissing.
They pull apart, staring at each other for a moment, something passing between them I’m too young or too pissed off to understand.
“You’re a fucking piece of shit.” The words rip from my throat, my limbs feeling hot and heavy with the anger pulsing through me, and a sickening feeling coiling in my stomach until I wonder if I’ll actually vomit.
My dad’s eyes widen, and that asshole has the nerve to take a step closer to me. “Dom. I can explain.”
“Fuck you.” I glare at the nurse. “And fuck you too.”
“Dominic,” my dad’s voice is like a whip lashing across the room. “That’s enough. Give me a minute to—”
“To what? To come up with some bullshit excuse for why you’re cheating on Mom with her fucking nurse. You both can go to hell.”
I’m not about to stick around to see what lame excuse he’s planning to come up with. Instead, I turn around and go to my room. I can sense Laney close on my heels, but she doesn’t try to talk to me or cool me down. Once again, she always seems to know what I need when I need it, and right now I don’t need anyone to talk to me until I’ve cooled the fuck down.
I slam my door behind her when we get into my room and then I pace back and forth in front of my window that overlooks our large backyard. My parents bought this house because of the property. They wanted me to have a place to run around and be a kid. It’s one of the nicest houses in our small town in northern Idaho, but right now I can’t see anything but red. All the memories of a happy childhood with two parents who were so obviously in love with each other are now incinerated by the vision of my dad kissing another woman—while my mom lies dying in the next room.
“I can’t believe he fucking did this to her. They were college sweethearts, and he goes and disrespects her with her own fucking nurse while she’s dying?!”
I spin around and Laney is staring, her lips parted like she wants to say something, but no words come out. I start pacing again, clenching and releasing my fists that ache with the urge to punch something. But buried under all the anger boiling inside me is a deep hurt.
My parents were endgame. They were the couple all my friends always looked up to. They used to make out in the kitchen until I would gag and tell them to get a room. It grossed me out, but I never doubted that their love was real. It’s the kind of love I aspired to have when I grew up.
Now, it’s tainted.
Did he ever really love her? Has he cheated before? Why now? He couldn’t wait until she was gone, but instead had to do it right outside her room? He probably wouldn’t even have to wait that long.
My gut twists until I feel nauseous. My nose stings and my throat tightens as my vision blurs. I reach out to brace myself against the wall as the first tear falls. I suck in a sharp breath when I feel Laney’s soft touch on my back, but it’s that simple tender gesture that breaks the dam.
I fall to my knees and bury my head in my hands, releasing everything I’ve been holding in. I can’t lose my mom. She can’t leave me, not with him. Not after what I just witnessed.
