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She nibbles her lip and then frowns sympathetically. “Sorry. I think I’ve had too much to drink.”
She sets her wine glass down even though there’s still wine left in it, but it’s too late now. She’s passed off her introspective state to me, and suddenly I’m not feeling all that proud of the life I’ve built. All my excitement and most of my fun comes from hanging out with Dom and his friends.
What do I have without that?
Wine nights with Tessa are fun, but that’s not enough, is it?
For the first time since I made the decision to cut Dom out of my life, I’m realizing I don’t know who I am anymore without him. I may not have been dependent on him financially, but I’m starting to fear that there are other ways to depend on someone that might be equally unhealthy.
Maybe it’s time I started figuring out who I am on my own.
Ten
I’m not a guy who pines for a woman. I’ve never felt more than a passing interest in getting laid and being done with the whole thing. The fewer strings the better. I never felt lonely or felt like I was lacking anything in my life.
I’m quickly realizing that’s because I had Laney.
Through all the women, the family drama, the crazy travel schedules—there was always Laney waiting for me when I wanted to just hang out and let my guard down. When I wanted to laugh or talk about something deeper than the latest celebrity gossip or football.
Laney’s absence has created a vast emptiness in my life that I’ve never experienced before, and I’m man enough to admit I’m not handling it well.
Even as the press continues to hound me over Jen Summers, and Shawna calls every fucking day asking about my mystery woman and reminding me we need to get this plan in action as soon as possible.
None of it makes me feel anything.
I come home every day—if I even leave—to an empty house and my fingers twitching to pick up my phone and call Laney, just to hear her huff and yell at me for not giving her space.
Fuck, what I’d give to have her yell at me right now. Any excuse for her to talk to me, to be in the same room with me.
My phone dings, and I glance down to find another unsaved number inviting me to some Hollywood party tonight. I’ve got a dozen invites just like it, but not a single one interests me. None of these people are the one person I really want to hang out with.
My chest aches and I rub it absentmindedly while I stare out at my pool and perfectly manicured backyard. I pay a lot of money to keep it maintained. Normally, looking out at what my career has paid for makes me feel on top of the world, but nothing can pull me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself.
I move away from the floor-to-ceiling window and plop down on the couch, grabbing the remote in a lame attempt at distraction. I’m also hoping noise from the TV might help lessen the silence and loneliness that seem to permeate every corner of my house.
After twenty minutes of mindless channel surfing and not feeling any closer to clarity, I shut off the TV.
Fuck, how did this become my life? We go to the biggest game in the league next week, and I’m sitting on my couch moping over a woman.
Not just any woman, though. The woman.
How did I seriously never notice it before? Never appreciate her the way she deserved? It’s been a long time since I reflected on my life and the choices I’ve made to get here. I’m not sure I’ve taken a deep look at my life since I was in high school and my world was rocked by my dad’s betrayal.
But I would do it now—for Laney. If figuring out where I’d gone wrong would help me fix things between us, I’d do it, no matter how uncomfortable it made me to face up to the mistakes I’d made.
I would do anything for her.
I look around my huge living room with the ten-foot ceilings and open floor plan. The grays and whites don’t give it any personality, but it’s what the interior designer I hired recommended. It never felt this cold and bare before, did it?
The only change is Laney’s not here or planning to come over, and once again I’m realizing another way I took her for granted. I didn’t just take for granted the things she organized for me—like my birthday party—but also the way she brought warmth to my life. Her presence alone added to my life in a way that can’t be replaced by the sound of a TV or material items. It can only be filled by Laney’s laughter, her teasing, her shoes resting on the floor at the end of the coffee table while she tucks her legs underneath her and tells me about her day.
Fuck, I miss her.
The doorbell rings and I debate ignoring it, but after the third ring, I push myself off the couch and make my way to the door.
I shouldn’t be surprised to see Shawna on the other side, but I am.
She pushes her way past me into my house. “You’ve been ignoring me, and I have half a mind to fire you and tell you to find a new, better PR person, but I’m the best and your situation intrigues me. So let’s cut to the chase. Why are you avoiding me? Is it about this mystery woman you said you had? Let me guess, she’s not real.”
