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I’ve never been able to understand that. Watching my mom was a good way to take notes on hownotto live my life, but I was capable of seeing her faults and avoiding that path myself. I wasn’t blinded because she was my mom, wasn’t doomed to be like her just because she raised me.
Maybe I’m lucky to be that way. I don’t know.
All I know is the love stories I imagined for myself weren’t about puffy white dresses and a wedding celebration full of friends and family members who don’t give a fuck about me.
I just wanted a man who would love me deeply and never turn his back on me.
Someone to feel safe with for once in my life.
I knew someday I’d find it.
Someday, there would be a man relentlessly in my corner, someone who would fight for me, die for me, rip demons apart for me with his bare teeth. Someone fiercely protective of me who would never let me feel the ache of abandonment, who would never let me feel alone in the world ever again.
And now, I’ve found him, and I have more than I ever could have hoped for. Not just one incredible man, but a whole family that has my back without question when push comes to shove.
I know I can’t lose them, too.
They love me when I’m ugly and impossible to love.
When I’m hurting and fight their unyielding embrace, they hold me down and force me to accept the support I need.
Even when I do everything in my power to destroy the good thing I’ve found, they just… don’t let me.
Even as a kid, I was always cognizant that my mother’s version of love was unreliable. If I made a wrong move, I might lose it. She might not want me anymore.
Now, I have a love I’m not afraid to lose. We’ve been through hard times already, but nothing has made him love me any less.
Finally, something solid and reliable. A love and a family I can truly belong to and thrive in.
Unconditional love and acceptance.
I sigh with a warm surge of contentment that wells up in my chest.
Normally, I’d roll my eyes at myself for feeling so sappy, but it’s my wedding day, for Christ’s sake. I’m allowed a little sap.
In the distance, the sun hovers just above the ocean.
A beach wedding at sunset. Perfect.
A pergola is set up on the beach with sheer white fabric strategically draped to look incredibly romantic and also to shield us from the wind a bit while we exchange vows.
Excitement surges up inside me and I grip Jonathan’s arm a little tighter.
One of the reasons I didn’t want a traditional wedding and reception is that I don’t really have anyone to invite. I don’t have any close extended family, and I haven’t spoken to the woman who gave birth to me since I ran into her at the grocery store that day.
Milo told me she raised a stink at the school about him taking me out for a week to go on vacation. It was after the run-in at the grocery store, so she was probably feeling vengeful after seeing me happy and engaged.
But, while he told me about it to keep me in the loop, he only told meafterhe had already handled it so I wouldn’t have to worry. Since then, I haven’t had to see or speak to her again.
I don’t know how she’s doing.
I don’t care, either.
I know she certainly doesn’t belong at my wedding.
Only my favorite people are at this wedding.
Milo and Jet are already waiting at the ceremony site with the officiant. Since we’re out in the open on the beach, there’s nothing to stop Milo from seeing me when he turns around.
