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I guess mine is magical, too, but the magic here is dark and reserved only for Dare. Sometimes he allows me glimpsesbehind the curtain, the notion that I’m powerful by extension, because I’m his.
But he’s the only one with actual power inourworld.
I think I had some before I got swept up in his storm, but I gave it to him for safekeeping, and he kept it all for himself. Now I only have as much access as he grants me. He can be as stingy with it as he wants to be because what recourse do I really have?
Maybe his power overmeis part of whatmakeshim so unconquerable.
A sick part of me wants him to be, though.
In a twisted way, he makes me feel safe. Whatever faults he might have, I know Dare is devoted to me, and I believe he’ll always do whatever he must to protect me. There are lines I wouldn’t cross myself, but he will without hesitation. For me.
I don’t yearn to see Dare defeated, I just… I want more forme, too.
Hannah doesn’t even know the half of it, but she knows more than anyone else. She’s the only one who can understand why saying I love my boyfriend feels like a shameful confession, and the only person who wouldn’t judge me even if shedidknow all of it.
“I still love him, Hannah.”
She sighs, but her tone is exactly the kind of playful I need right now. “Ah, right. That pesky detail.”
I crack a smile, but it’s a sad one. “Yeah.”
“Emotions are complex,” she says seriously, clearly wanting to offer some real support in light of my somber tone. “Knowing that someone is bad, or even bad for you, doesn’t instantly melt everything you feel for them. It’s why so manywomen can’t get out of relationships like yours, and then yours is compounded by Dare being… Dare.”
A knot forms in my stomach at my next confession. “I’m afraid he’ll hurt you someday.”
I expect that admission to surprise her, but it doesn’t. “Yeah. Me, too,” she says softly.
“You’re like a loose thread he just can’t stop picking at no matter how much it unravels things. I don’t know why he can’t just give me this one allowance, just… let me keep you.”
“It’s because I’m so intimidating,” she teases.
I appreciate her attempt to make me feel better, but the things Dare said to me about her being afraid of him, then Hannah herself admitting she worries he’ll hurt her…
Tears well up in my eyes, blurring my vision. “The best thing I could probably do for you is leave you alone. I don’t want to be one more person who makes your life dangerous. I thought with us living so far apart, you would be safe, but… He won’t let me keep any part of you,” I say, my voice breaking over the last word. “He wanted me to delete our message chain tonight, and I fought him on it. I don’t usually fight him on things because it’s never worth it, but I’m so alone here, Hannah.” I pause to sniffle and blow out a breath. My voice is wobbly, and I hate it. I try to pull it together, but I can’t stop the tears. “I can feel him getting in my head more. There’s no one to pull me in any other direction the way you did, so I’m just following him to the places he goes naturally, but they’re not natural for me. It’s like I can’t find a balance anymore. Tonight, this idiot guy tried to hit on me at a party and he got a little pushy. My first impulse was literally to send Dare after him. No reluctance, no moral qualms, just, ‘oh, you wanna fuck with me? I have a monster and I won’thesitate to unleash him on you.’ The guy sucked, sure, but that should not be my first impulse.”
“I’m sure it’s tempting to wield power like that,” she murmurs sympathetically. “I hate to say it, but… Anae enjoyed the idea of harnessing that power, too. Look where it got her.”
“I know,” I mutter. “Don’t think I haven’t thought about that.”
“She’s still awful without him, but if I’m being honest, she was significantly more evil when she was under his influence. He manipulated her, made her feel like she needed to rise to new levels of depravity to impress him—and then he wouldn’t even be impressed, so she had to keep trying. It was an endless cycle, and she never got out of it. She was still trying to impress him when he got tired of her and threw her in a mental institution. He trained her like a pet, Aubrey, and she didn’t even see it. Dare is an expert at finding a person’s weakness and using it to get in. He knows how to work people to draw out their worst impulses. With Anae, it was a lot because she’s already so bad on her own, but just because someone starts out good doesn’t mean he can’t corrupt them.”
I hug my knees closer to my chest. “It’s hard to hold on to my perspective when he’s the only person in my world.”
“I’m sure it is,” she says softly. “And I’m sure he knows that. But you’re never truly alone, Aubrey. I’m always a phone call away.”
I nod, forgetting she can’t see me, but I know I’ll always have to pay a toll to talk to Hannah. As long as he only takes it out on me, I can handle it, and I will—gladly—if it means I can keep her in my life.
But I’m worried about his jealousy escalating—and his violence with it.
I’m worried he’ll hurtheronce he sees hurting me doesn’t get him what he wants.
“It’s just hard because I know if I do reach out to you, I might be putting you at risk. You know what he did to Rina Cahill, and he didn’t even consider her a threat, just an annoyance. I don’t think he’ll stop trying to push you out of my life, and I worry about the lengths he might go to if I don’t just… let him have his way.”
It’s unusual for Hannah to sound angry, but she does when she says, “He shouldn’t get an automatic win just because he’s willing to play dirty.”
“No, he shouldn’t. But he does. He always does. And I know that, so it’s like… I’m always balancing on the razor’s edge when it comes to you. I can’t let him know I’ve eventhoughtabout you without feeling like I’ve possibly put you in harm’s way. But then, if I’m secretive about you, it seems like I’m doing something wrong. But hemakes me! If he would justlet metalk to you, this wouldn’t be an issue. And heknows it, that’s the craziest part. Dare is usually the smartest guy. He thinkseverythingthrough and weighs every possible benefit, but heknowsthis is the biggest problem in our relationship. Heknowshow grateful I would be if he would ease up and just let me have access to you, yet he continues to be ridiculous about it.”
Hannah’s quiet for a moment, then she says softly, “Maybe I was wrong.”
