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“About what?”
“Before, when you thought he viewed me as a threat or that he was jealous or whatever, I thought he was pretending to be. Ithought it was a tactic. I didn’t think he was really… I’m still not sure. It’s hard to know with him.”
I’m hesitant to ask the next question since I don’t want her to think I deliberately brought the conversation back to this, and I know it could look that way. “Did he… say anything to that effect when you talked to him?”
“No. He wasn’t adversarial at all, but he was very in control of that interaction. He’s comfortable when he has all the control.”
I nod my agreement. He lost it tonight. That’s what made him so angry.
I don’t realize I’m quiet for a moment until she asks softly, “Did you want to ask me more about that?”
My heart pounds, so I play dumb to buy myself a few extra seconds. “Hm?”
“The message I sent Dare. You brought it up again, so I wasn’t sure if… maybe you had more questions. I’d read it to you, but I deleted it, so… I can’t.”
Since the words left Dare’s mouth, I’ve had questions, but now, actually talking to her, I can’t bring myself to ask them. It would feel wrong, like I don’t trust her.
She’s not the one I can’t completely trust.
“No, I don’t have any questions. But, if you’re going to talk to him one-on-one,pleasebe careful. Sometimes Dare goes places he doesn’t want to be tracked, and he leaves his phone with me. I have his passcode, so he knows I can go through it anytime I want. I know Dare, and I know how much he wants you out of my life. It’s the only thing he’s demanded of me that I’ve refused to give him. I think he knows I’d never forgive him ifhe… resorted to a more permanent measure to remove you, but he wouldabsolutelyuse manipulation. If he can make itlooklike you… want him or something, it would be a lot harder for me to fight him when he insists the best thing for our relationship is to stop talking to you.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and my heart skips several beats. I’m afraid I’ve offended her. “You think I…?”
“No, of course not. It’s not you,” I assure her quickly, feeling too guilty to even let her finish her question. “I trust you completely. I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but I also know Dare, and I know how sneaky he can be.Ididn’t want to like him when he started pursuing me, either. Hemademe like him. He shrouded me in so much fog I couldn’t see where he was taking me until I was lost at sea with only him for a life raft. He has this predatory way of finding your weak spots and striking in precisely the right place. I don’t think he has a conscience, so he can do things without batting an eye that would make normal people feel guilty, or at least uncomfortable. He doesn’t get uncomfortable. And you can’t tell what he’s thinking. He can make you believe he’s going to take something all the way, even if, in his head, he has always known he would stop. It makes him really good at laying traps. You’re not like him, so you get caught up in his game and develop real feelings, but he was always detached. He was always being methodical, just playing the game however he needed to win. Hedoesn’t feel bad about coming right up to the line and even stepping on it becausehe knowsif he will or won’t cross it, but no one else does, so it’s… terrifying to be on the board with him.”
Hannah’s voice is soft. “It must be scary to love someone like that.”
“It is. But it’s also… intoxicating.” I shake my head. “I don’t know. We’re immensely fucked up, I know that, but there’s no one like him, you know?”
“That may not be a bad thing,” she says dryly, but good-naturedly. “I don’t know how many Dares the world needs.”
I crack a smile. “I can’t argue that. One is more than enough.”
“Maybe too many.”
I laugh, and it feels good just to feel happy… even if wearetalking about the wedge between us.
My gaze drifts to the sidewalk just to make sure I don’t see him coming. “Have you ever liked someone who was bad for you?”
If she’s surprised by my question, I can’t tell. “No. Not really my type.”
I twirl the end of my hair around my thumb. “Whatisyour type? Just out of curiosity. We never really… girl talked like that.”
“I…” She pauses to consider, almost as if she has never been asked that before. “I tend to like people who leave the world a better place than they found it. I enjoy people who aren’t afraid to care, who think of others and at least want to do good.”
I can’t bite back a smile. That’s such a Hannah answer. “So the complete opposite of Dare.”
She laughs a little. “Basically. I want a cuddly, loving golden retriever, and he’s more of a Rottweiler raised in the wrong kind of household. In my opinion, Dare’s a source of endless pain and harm, and I can’t find anything to like in a person like that.”
I could tell her Dare has his good qualities, too—because he does—but I’m not interested in defending him to her right now.
I watch the end of my hair as I idly twist it some more. “What would your ideal person look like?”
“I don’t care about that.” Her tone is so dismissive, I can tell it’s not one of those things people say to sound good but don’t really mean. It truly doesn’t matter to her. “It’s the insides that matter. Look at my mom and Jackie. Both beautiful on the outside, but one was full of love and light and she made the people around her feel nourished, and one is calculating and cruel and poisons everything she touches. What do bodies matter anyway? We’re all going to be old and wrinkled someday if we’re lucky. I just want to spend my life with someone I love who loves me back. And I want tofeelit. I don’t want them to be shy or stingy with their love, you know? I want the kind of passionate, affectionate romance that makes cynics sick. I want happiness to come a little easier because I’m with them. I also want a family someday, so for a long-term partner, I need someone I could see having that with. But there’s no checklist other than that. True love and a family of my own… that’s all I want.”
My heart aches a little, and I don’t know why. “I can’t imagine that will be too difficult to find. Who could not love you?”
She doesn’t say anything, and my heart races a little. I need to get this train back on the tracks.
