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“I thought you had gotten over him. I thought you were ready for this.” He sighs, sounding more sad than anything now.
“I am over him,” I say.
“You’re not. You just spent our entire date trying to make him jealous,” he says. My heart stutters for a moment before it picks back up into an almost gallop. “If you were over him—really and truly over him—you wouldn’t have done that.”
“Josiah, it’s the first time I’ve seen him since he publicly humiliated me. I was angry, and I didn’t know how to act. I just panicked a little,” I explain. I get where he’s coming from. I can see how it would be annoying for someone to spend an entire dinner putting on a show to make someone else angry,but this is Josiah. It’s not like it’s the first time we’ve been out together, and it won’t be the last. Sure, it was our firstrealdate, but there will be plenty of other opportunities. And if he hated the idea so much, he didn’t have to join in on the little act! He could have asked me to stop, and I would have.
I say as much to him, and he just rolls his eyes. He rolls his eyes atme, like I’m the unreasonable one!
“Can’t you have a little understanding for me? No, I’m not sitting around shattered inside over him. I don’t even miss him! But yes, it’s awful knowing that he didn’t care enough about me to have a simple conversation with me when he knew it was over between us. He got engaged to that woman right in front of me! So yes, I’m angry, and I wanted to piss him off!”
He clenches his jaw as he takes in what I’m saying. His face relaxes, and I hate the pity I see in his eyes. I don’t want pity. I just want him to understand where I’m coming from. He nods his head and says, “You’re right. You have every right to be upset. I knew it was probably still too early to ask you out. I should’ve given you more time.”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” I yell at him. He’s not getting it! “I don’t need more time!”
“I know what you’re trying to say, but forgive me if I don’t exactly agree with you.” He closes his eyes, and I can see him telling himself to stay calm. He’s practically screaming it to himself in his head.
“Oh, so now you’re going to tell me how I feel?! I’m not putting up with this anymore,” I say as I open my door and climb out of the car. I will walk the rest of the way down this long and creepy driveway before I listen to him lecture me and explain my feelings to me!
“Ellis, get back in the car,” he groans.
“No!” I slam the door shut behind me so I won’t have tolisten to him, but he rolls the window down. Why is he choosing this moment to be so pushy? Can’t he just let me storm away in a tornado of emotions like most men would? I don’t want to talk all of this out tonight. I’d rather let all my feelings fester and brew so I can think of all the best statements and slap them all on him later. Right now, I’m too angry to even form a complete thought, and it’ll all come out jumbled.
He follows along slowly beside me and says, “Are you really doing this right now?”
“Don’t talk to me!” I cross my arms across my chest and rub my hands up and down my arms, trying to keep the shivers at bay. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the walk down the driveway, thankfully, but it’s incredibly awkward with him scooting along in his car at a snail’s pace. He must be going three miles per hour.
When I get to the front door, he hollers, “Good night!” out the window. I roll my eyes and groan before rushing inside and up the stairs before anyone has a chance to stop me and ask how the date went. I’m not ready to tell any of them that it was one huge disaster. There’s a good reason people always warn you against trying to date your best friend.
14
Ellis
I am miserable. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. Josiah hasn’t spoken to me since our disaster of a date an entire week ago. I’ve never gone this long without talking to him. We usually talk every day, even if it’s just a quick ‘good morning’ text, but I haven’t even gotten that from him. The radio silence is killing me. And I had a really good story from work that I wanted to tell him, about a dad passing out in the delivery room, but I guess that will have to wait.
I haven’t thought of anything but our date since I got home that night, and the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that maybe he wasn’t as out of line as I initially thought he was. I now realize that I was out of line and totally immature. I can understand how my actions would have been hurtful to him and how he would have viewed them as me not being ready to move on. I’m so embarrassed of the way I acted, and I wish I could go back in time and redo everything. If I could, I would ignore Brandoncompletely. I would pretend he wasn’t even there, and I would just enjoy my time with Josiah. But I don’t have a time machine, so that’s not an option. So it looks like apologizing is the only way to go.
I’ve picked up my phone to call or text him so many times, but every time, I’ve gotten scared and backed out. I know we need to talk, but I’m scared we’ll just end up fighting and yelling at each other again. Okay, he never yelled. He stayed perfectly calm. The yelling was all me. I’ve never mastered controlling my temper, even though my poor mother tried so hard to teach me when I was younger.
The longer the silence stretches on between Josiah and me, the harder it seems to pick up the phone and reach out to him. I need to get over my pride and just do it. I don’t want to wake up one day, ten years from now, and wonder why I ever stopped talking to my best friend.
Come on, Ellis. Put on your big-girl pants and call the man!
It can’t be thathard to send a simple text. I pick up my phone for the tenth time in as many minutes and bounce it around in my hand for a moment. I’m really going to do it this time. I will not chicken out again.I take a deep breath, and then another, and another. I type out the message for the millionth time, close my eyes, and hit send.
Me: Hey, Josiah. Do you have time to meet me for coffee today?
There. I did it, and it didn’t kill me. But, oh, the waiting to see what his response will be just might do the job. If he responds at all! I hold my phone up in front of my face and stare at the screen, hoping and praying he’ll message me back. I sit therefor minutes, maybe even hours. I can’t be sure. I glance at the time. Okay, it’s only been three minutes.
A response comes through, and Josiah’s name flashes across the screen. I shriek and throw my phone across the room, where it lands on my plush chair. I stare at it where it landed as if it’s a wild beast ready to attack me.
Get it together! It’s just a silly little phone…that has a silly little message that has the potential to crush your silly little heart!
That’s it. I’m not reading it. I will simply pretend he never responded. A moment ago, I thought him not responding would have been the worst possible outcome, but now I know that’s not the case. A complete rejection is! What if he said he never wants to see me again? I would be crushed!
But what if he didn’t reject my invitation? What if he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him, and he’s sitting on the other side of that phone, waiting for my response as eagerly as I was waiting for his?
I’ll have to read it. That’s all there is to it. I stand in front of the chair and reach out a shaky hand to pick up the phone. I open the dreaded message and instantly deflate when I read the words.
