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Josiah: I want to see you. I really do, but I got five new commissions this week. Two of them are actually big ones. I’m designing a website for someone. Do you think we can talk on Sunday at family dinner?
I throw myself against my bed and try not to cry. He’s letting me down gently. I’m sure of it. If he really wanted to see me, he’d make time for it. He’s always made time for me in the past.
I mean, I’m happy he’s finally getting real work. It’s everything he’s worked for over the past few years. But Sunday is so far away. How am I supposed to wait three more days when the words I want to say to him are practically bubbling out of me, waiting to explode?
It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have waited an entire week before bucking up the courage to message him. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at him in the first place. I should have listened to him and thought about how he felt instead of immediately getting defensive about it.
I jolt awake when the sound of a soft rap against my door interrupts my bizarre dream about a zombie dog chasing me through an amusement park. Sometimes I’m a little worried about my sleep-deprived brain.
“Come in,” I say, thinking it’s just one of my sisters letting me know that dinner will be ready soon. My eyes feel gritty and itchy, and my voice sounds hoarse and scratchy, thanks to a crazy shift at work last night that led to me working way later than I should have. I got to deliver a baby, though! There was no way the doctor was going to make it to that room in time, and there was no stopping that baby from coming out. It was so scary and exhilarating all at the same time, and it has put all kinds of wild ideas in my head. Like, should I go to medical school to become an OB-GYN? Or maybe I could go the midwife route. It’s all I could think about for the rest of my shift, and I could hardly fall asleep this morning when I got home and crawled into bed. I started looking up school information before I finally dozed off. It’s the most excited I’ve been about my career path since I first started nursing!
My door creaks open, and Josiah peeks his head through.At least, I think it’s Josiah. My eyes aren’t open enough to see much of anything. He just looks like a hazy blob. Honestly, it could be the boogie man coming to get me, and I’d have no idea.
“You decent?” he asks. Yep, that’s Josiah’s voice.
I look down at myself. I must look ridiculous. I’m wearing a t-shirt that’s three sizes too big that I got at a 5K that Valerie and Jolene talked me into running with them years ago. It’s speckled with holes from frequent wear and washing. My hair also looks like a bird’s nest on top of my head, and I can feel all the wispies falling all over my face and around my neck. Don’t even get me started on what my makeup that I was too exhausted to wash off must look like. But I’m clothed and covered, so it’ll have to do. I nod my head, and he comes fully into the room.
“Sorry to wake you up earlier than normal, but I was wondering if you would take a walk with me?” Ahh, the dreaded conversation that we have to have. One part of me wants to claim exhaustion and go back to sleep, putting off this little talk as long as possible. But on the other hand, I know I’d never be able to go back to sleep now. All I’d be doing is lying here, thinking of every possible way this conversation could go. Best to get it over with sooner rather than later.
I throw myself back against my pillow and cover my eyes with my arm. Josiah laughs softly from where he stands at the door. “Give me a few minutes to get dressed,” I say.
“Sure,” he replies, and then the door clicks shut.
I mosey out of my bed and to my bathroom, where I get my first good look at myself in the mirror. It’s much worse than I thought it would be. My mascara has smeared all over my eyes, so I look like a rabid raccoon. And my hair. It will be a miracle if I can manage to get all these tangles out without losing a good portion of my hair. I should be embarrassed thatJosiah just saw me like this, but I can’t seem to find the energy to care at the moment.
I brush my teeth and wash my face…twice. I put on some gel eye masks that Jolene got for me, hoping they’ll do what they claim to do and help eliminate the intense bags under my eyes. They can’t hurt, right? While those sit on my face, I get to work brushing out my hair. It takes forever, and my scalp is tender afterward. I spray some dry shampoo on my roots, and then put my hair into a long braid down my back. I throw on a pair of jeans that was laying on the floor of my bathroom and a sweater before deeming myself worthy of being around other humans.
When I get to the bottom of the stairs and turn the corner into the living room, I see Josiah standing behind the couch where Merrily and Jolene sit. They’re all watching something on the TV. It’s an animal documentary that I’m sure Merrily chose. When Josiah hears me coming, he turns his head, and I instantly freeze in place.
I can’t breathe. Why is there no air in my lungs? Someone has somehow sucked all of the oxygen from this room. But that can’t be, because no one else seems to be struggling to breathe the way I am. Is this a panic attack? I’ve never had one before, so I’m not sure. No, I’m not panicking. Well, maybe I am a little bit, but it’s only because Josiah is standing in front of me…wearing glasses. And he looks so sophisticated and gorgeous in them. More gorgeous than any man has a right to be. I didn’t think Josiah could get any more handsome than he already was, but he always has enjoyed proving me wrong. I force myself to look away, but my eyes can’t help but take another look…and another.
Just when I almost have myself back under control, he smiles at me, and I turn into a bumbling mess again. The last time we talked, we had a huge fight, and I haven’t seen him inan entire week, and the man has the audacity to look that good and smile at me! I should stay mad at him just to be spiteful.
I’m still frozen on the stairs with my mouth hanging open, so he moves to stand right in front of me. We’re almost eye level, so I have the perfect view of his new glasses. I smile, happy to know that he listened to me and went to an eye doctor. Now that he’s this close, I can see that it’s just the same Josiah as always, just slightly more distinguished looking. And I’m a sucker for distinguished.
“What’s it like being able to see?” I ask, trying to go for humor, but the breathiness in my voice betrays me. He huffs a laugh anyway.
“Well, it’s weird. I’ve never even noticed that you had gold patches under your eyes. I’ve really been missing out all these years,” he says, trying to hold in a laugh. My face heats as I reach up to grab the gel eye masks that I had completely forgotten about. He leans in close to my face and adds, “It’s an interesting look.”
“Oh, shut up,” I say, pushing on his chest to move him out of my way. I take a step forward, but in my flustered state, I’ve forgotten that I’m on the stairs. Now, I’m falling down the stairs, but before I can hit the floor, Josiah’s arms wrap around my waist and pull me up.
His face is an inch from mine. My breath is ragged as I gaze into his warm, brown eyes, now shielded behind those glasses that somehow only make him more appealing. I can see the faint layer of freckles on his nose and the scar above his right eyebrow from when he cut himself climbing a tree when we were kids. I forgot that scar was there. I want to reach up and caress it. Kiss it.
I glance down at his lips, and he holds me closer to him. I lean in, hoping I’m not about to make a complete fool of myself by misreading this situation. But no, he leans in closertoo. We’re an inch apart. So close that a light breeze would bring our lips together.
“What’s going on over there?” Jolene asks from the couch a few feet away. Josiah releases my waist and jumps away from me. We’re now wearing matching red faces, and I send a glare in my evil sister’s direction. She doesn’t seem too concerned, if her mischievous face can be trusted.
“I’m going to go get some water before we go,” Josiah says.
As he’s walking out, Jolene makes a circular motion with her hand around her eyes and then fans herself. I think she’s trying to say she likes Josiah’s glasses, but who knows with her?
I meet Josiah in the kitchen where our moms are busy cooking together. I would feel bad that they’re doing all the work, but I learned long ago that this is how they like it. I used to offer to help, but they’d just kick me out. I eventually figured out that it’s their time to drink wine and gossip without a bunch of nosey ears listening in. They don’t get much time alone together, so they take advantage of Sunday dinner.
They share a look as they watch Josiah and me walk out the door together, so no doubt we’ll be their topic of discussion for the next hour at least. A few weeks ago, I might have been annoyed about that, but now I find that I’m okay with it. Probably because I’m hoping for the same thing they are now.
Josiah and I walk down the road in tense silence for several minutes until I feel like I’m going to burst. I can’t take it anymore! I stop in front of a random house and grab his arm. He turns to face me and places his free hand over mine still on his arm.
“Josiah, I’m sorry about the other night. It was thoughtless of me, and I was way out of line. I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I…I’m sorry,” I say.
